Jan. 1, 1804. Preached in the afternoon at Trinity Church with seriousness, but with little feeling. Visited a house in Wall's Lane after church, where I met with two men, to whom I gave, I think, a clear and convincing warning. I exhorted my hearers this day to think on their ways. May I think of mine! On the review of my journal of the last year, I perceive it has been of late becoming a diary of my life, instead of being a register of my state of mind. And this is to be attributed, partly to sloth, and partly to having devoted too much time and attention to the outward and public duties of the ministry. But this has been a mistaken conduct. For I have learned, that neglect of much and fervent communion with God in meditation and prayers, is not the way to redeem time, nor to fit me for public ministrations. Nevertheless, I judge that I have grown in grace in the course of the last year; for the bent of my desire is towards God, more than when I thought I was going out as a missionary, though vastly less than I expected it would have been by this time. In heavenly contemplation and abstraction from the world, my attainments have fallen far short of my expectations: in love to man, I perceive little or no increase. But in a sense of my own worthlessness and guilt, and in a consequent subjugation of the will, and in a disposition for labour and active exertion, I am inclined to think myself gaining ground. I have had few seasons of joy since my ordination; for many of the duties of the ministry have called to light the hidden evils of my corrupted heart, and my exertions in prayer have been to keep them under. I have however much to complain of in slothfulness in that duty,--that I do not stir up myself to lay hold upon God; yet my soul approves thoroughly the life of God, and my only desire is to live entirely devoted to him. Oh may I live very near to him the ensuing year, and follow the steps of Christ and his holy saints! It will be attended with much self-denial and warfare, nevertheless it yieldeth the peaceable fruits of righteousness to them who are exercised thereby. I have resigned in profession the riches, the honours, and the comforts of this world, and I think it is also a resignation of the heart.

2. Spent, I hardly know how, very unprofitably; for want of a previous regulation for a time of leisure.

3. A sense of my present deadness and unprofitableness, as likewise a regard to my bodily health, determined me to devote the day to fasting and prayer; but I could not get near to God: in all my confessions for myself as an individual, or member of the church or nation, I could feel no contrition; nevertheless, though the cloud hanging over the nation, and my own pride, cast a heavy gloom over my mind, with a sense of guilt, and of God's displeasure, I strove against an evil heart of unbelief, which tempted me to depart from the living God.

4. Rose late, as I have done several times, and when this is the case, I seldom begin or perform the duties of the day with satisfaction. Read much of 'Edwards on the Affections,' about humility, and was much profited. In hall and in the combination room, I sought to exemplify a Christian spirit by mine, and found by those moments of recollection, when I was able to do it, that my usual temper and conduct differ very widely from what they ought to be. In the evening my soul drew near to the Lord, and pleaded with him a long time for understanding and strength, to fit me for a long life of warfare and constant self-denial. I prayed to see clearly why I was placed here, how short the time is, how excellent to labour for souls, above all to feel my desert of hell, grace to enlighten my eyes in those dark and gloomy seasons of outward trouble and desponding faith, grace to enable me to despise the indulgence of the body, not to shrink from cold, and hunger, and painful labour, but to follow the Lamb wheresoever he goeth, and that he would bring all these things to my remembrance the next, and every succeeding day. In all this I did not feel any desponding fear, against which I prayed, hut the contrary. But my want of humiliation was apparent and painful. My soul longeth for perfection, but has not yet learnt the secret of happiness,--a poor and contrite spirit.

5. I retained on my mind the savour of last night's meditation: for humility seemed to be my object, if not my temper. Preached on Isaiah lxiv. 7. Oh, let not my sermons rise up in judgment against me! A few friends supped with me; but though my own mind was well disposed for religious conversation, I could not lead them to it.

6. Was preparing the whole day for the evening, the subject, 2 Tim. i. 12, was very cheering and comforting to myself in the morning; but after dinner I was languid and indisposed to any exertion, and low-spirited. At the society I was very dull, both in exhortation and prayer, and so were the people. There were but six; with little appearance of devotion; the sense of my exceeding unprofitableness was very humbling to me: yet it had not the effect of drawing me away from God, and so I was contented to be thought little of by men. I rightly attribute my present deadness to want of sufficient time and tranquillity for private devotion.

7. Hoping to give some motion and liveliness to my mind, I sought to give it recreation this morning, by reading some of Thomson's 'Chemistry,' and Jon. Edwards on 'Original Sin.'

8. Full of anxiety; relieved at times by prayer. Preached at Lolworth. Called at three of the houses, and found them as ignorant of the gospel as heathens. Oh, let it not appear at last, that the Lord hath hid his face from them, on account of the unworthiness of their teacher! May he pour out his Spirit upon them and me, that I may warn them even with tears! On my road home I met with Mr.--, and sought to improve to his good the death of his brother. During the rest of the evening, I was groaning under the most dark, distrustful, and unhappy thoughts. The little appearance of life-devotion among the people of Lolworth, either at public worship or at other times, and returning home in a cold snowy night, had, I suppose, these melancholy effects upon my mind, and made me dispirited at the prospect of missionary hardships; but they would not have this effect, except on account of the burden which--is to my mind; the Psalms this evening were in entire unison with my feelings. I could have repeated those words many more times, "Why art thou so heavy, O my soul, why art thou so disquieted within me? "I got most nearly to peace and happiness, by labouring to feel myself the meanest of God s creatures, and the desert I have of being consigned over to eternal punishment.

St. John's, January 9, 1804.

I heard of the death of your brother, my dear Sargent, some time ago; but I had neither inclination nor leisure to write to you immediately after. I hope the first impressions of grief are now somewhat worn away, but that you retain that blessed effect of sanctified sorrow, a tender spirit, which to me at this time appears so desirable, that I could be willing to suffer any thing, or do any thing to obtain it. I should judge by your account, that he could have hardly attained the age of moral agency, and so we may hope he is among those of whom it is said, "Of such is the kingdom of heaven." I trust that the melancholy event has, in answer to your prayers, been beneficial to--. If not yet in the degree you could wish, yet cease not to pray for her. But how can I encourage you to a duty in which I am so languid myself, so seldom disposed to "stir up myself to take hold upon God?" How necessary is self-denial in this as well as every other duty, through the corruption that is in us! Sometimes I feel the most ardent and strong resolutions to fight manfully, to exert all the powers of the soul unceasingly in mortifying the flesh; but these resolves are short-lived: sometimes through forgetfulness, sometimes through weakness, I find myself giving way to ever-craving self-indulgence * * * *

I thank you for the kind interest you take in my missionary plans. But unless Providence should see fit to restore our property, I see no possibility of my going out, Most probably after all, I shall be settled at Calcutta, in that post which Mr. Grant is so anxious to procure some one to fill: for by this the pecuniary difficulties which attend my going out would be removed. * * * * *

You told me some time ago, that the multiplicity of business which would attend me as Mr. Simeon's curate, would leave little time for reflection on my future plans; and truly I find your prediction fulfilled: for the composition of sermons, and preparing for the societies, confines the hours of devotion into far too small a compass. Nevertheless I have found my spirit disciplined by these more active parts of the ministry, so as to perform with willingness those duties from which once I used to shrink. * * * *

Farewell, my dear brother,--amidst all the afflictions of the gospel, and truly they are not few, we shall also be made partakers of its consolations. The contemplation of the eternal world is of necessity my chief happiness, and yours I hope by choice: for though this world demands your attention more than mine, you have learnt to give it its right value. In our Father's house there are, I humbly hope, mansions prepared for us, purchased only by the blood of Jesus, who will also keep that which we have committed to him till that day.

H. M.

11. At the funeral of Mr. Mann, at Lolworth, felt very solemnly: though the entrance into eternal joy, when my body should in like manner be laid in the dust, appeared too good to hope or believe.

12. During the day was thinking on Col. xiii. 1--3. Mr.--stayed an hour, and unexpectedly edified me much by his conversation about repentance. Walked in the afternoon, and was able to pray steadily with some seriousness. Walked about with Professor Parish till church-time. He observed that if I went out under the patronage of the East India company, there would be more danger of worldly-mindedness: on my own account I should prefer a state of poverty. Was more perplexed than ever this evening about--but that only determined me to leave the matter entirely to God.

13. Was dissatisfied at not rising so early as I might: these instances of self-indulgence have a very bad effect on my temper. Engaged on reflecting on the same subject as yesterday. Drank tea in the evening at--and met about fifteen or sixteen there. I delivered the subject I had been thinking on; but with little animation. My mind enjoyed, during the rest of the evening, a sweet serenity and peacefulness. It did not amount to spiritual joy: yet when did I ever experience such happiness in the days of my vanity?

15. Heavy and distressed this morning; but I found in some measure, the truth of the promise, "cast thy burden on the Lord, and he shall sustain thee." Walked half an hour by the river-side after dinner, endeavouring to compose my mind for extempore preaching, and this I accordingly did at St. Giles's, on Matt. v. 3-5, though by no means to my satisfaction; nor ever yet in the pulpit, or in public addresses, have I experienced any sweetness of spirit. Called on one of the old women in the alms-houses, a truly contrite soul. Drank tea at--; was somewhat comforted in the evening by Mr. Simeon's sermon on "Sing, O ye heavens, for the Lord hath redeemed Jacob; "Christ's atonement was my only ground of hope and peace. How this disastrous affair has deranged all my systems of reading, early rising, &c.

16. Went to-- to breakfast, labouring to maintain heavenly-mindedness and humility, but for want of more reading, retirement, and private devotion, I have little power over my own tempers. Read Edwards on the Affections, and found some parts very convincing to show me my low stature in Christ. In the morning I had a most painful time of prayer, the expressions of egotism were so hateful that I could rather have died than use them; this was not, I conceive, humiliation, for I felt no love towards God or man, and could make no petition; but now after reading Edwards, I was able to pray with seriousness and strength, but I was unhappily interrupted. Called at the alms-houses in the afternoon, one old woman of eighty-four seemed to understand the word, which was new to her. Another was "all for grace," she said; she could not bear the law and morality in preaching, manifesting a most bitter, contemptuous, and proud spirit in all her language. I asked her if she did not apprehend herself in danger of pride. 'No,' she said, 'not particularly:' But did not she believe that the heart was naturally very proud 'O yes,' and many other things she mentioned in the same strain, allowing the general topics of humiliation, but admitting none of them into her own heart. She related with abhorrence that she had heard a friend of Mr. Simeon's preach a sermon in which the name of Jesus Christ was not so much as once mentioned. Might I not do the same, I replied, if I were to preach on this text, "Be not high-minded but fear." I left her with those words, "If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them." Of what an unconquerable nature is spiritual pride. Went to Mr. Owen's to supper; he sometimes amused and sometimes edified me by his conversation, but--lay as a dead weight on my mind: yet I was relieved at intervals by saying, "I will do thy will O my God." Sat up till two in the morning losing my time by uncontrolable wanderings of thought in self-examination.

17. Was unwell with cold and headache, endeavoured to consider Matt. vi. for exposition. Drank tea at--, and expounded Matt. v. 3--5. as the company by their conversation seemed particularly to need it.

18.--breakfasted and staid great part of the morning. Had some freedom and comfort in prayer in the middle of the day. Walked in the cloisters of Trinity, and amid much carefulness and despondency, had many reviving views of Christ. With some friends I could say nothing. O the exceeding emptiness of my mind for want of more reading of the word of God in private. Dined at Professor Parish's with Owen, but left them at five to go to S--'s. Here they expected, I suppose, that I should begin a conversation with them, but I was utterly unable, for through want of preparation on a subject of exhortation, I was uneasy. However I lifted up my heart to the Lord, and he helped me to explain and enforce the beginning of the vith chap, of Matt. Perhaps the people are edified through the divine blessing; but my preachings and exhortations fall infinitely short of what I should call good.

19. Enjoyed most delightful peace and joy this morning in communion with God. Read some of Genesis. * * * * How mortally do I hate the thought. Yet certainly will I do the will of God, if I be cut piece-meal. I bear in mind Abraham. God's promises seemed impossible to be fulfilled. Yet he obeyed, and so will I, if it be God's will, though it clogs my way. To be made fit for the work of a missionary I resigned the comforts of a married life when they were dear to me, and that was a severe struggle; now again will I put forth the hand of faith, though the struggle will be far more severe. How unaccountable the providence of God appears! Yet he is wise, and righteous, and good, and so, "submissive to thy will I bow." "Teach me to do thy will, for thou art my God."

20. Unbelief and unhappiness this morning were removed by my being able to humble myself, and remember the resolutions of last night. How deficient in poverty and heavenly-mindedness am I daily with my pupil, yet these little events of life are proper trials of Christian temper. In prayer I drew near the Lord, and rejoiced to repeat before him my determination to do his will. Walked with--, and tried to persuade him to accept that post in Calcutta which he has been pressed to fill, but to my surprise he cannot consent to leave his native country. Now that my mind was easy one would have thought that the prospect of the ministrations in the evening would have been delightful. But no such thing. Now that I had got rid of one difficulty, my perverted heart sought out another.' At dinner time, gloom began to gather. I was not prepared for the evening; then was I constrained to wonder at the patience of God, then did I see it good to be afflicted, for the moment the rod was removed I was going astray. O Lord, guide me by thy own council. It is not in man to direct his steps. Do thou act towards thy blind creature according to thine own wisdom and love, the natural bent of my heart is to depart from thee--keep me through thine own power through faith unto salvation. I see the reason why Jesus would not remove the thorn out of St. Paul's flesh. Now, O my soul, that thou hast found rest for awhile, quicken thou thy face towards heaven. Now that thine enemies cease to. molest thee, lose no time in getting forward. O! that I might feel resolved to wrestle with God! In the, evening prayer I designed to have dwelt entirely on love, that I might receive it from God, but found so much reason to pray for humility that I could think of nothing else.

21. Pride filled my heart with evil surmises this morning when I rose. There is no living without humility. Found that peculiar kind of self-abhorrence in prayer this morning, (as I have often felt when expressions of egotism were hateful,) which, unaccountable as it may seem, always accompanies a humiliation not evangelical. Or else humiliation is only of one kind, namely, legal, and that which is called evangelical it humiliation is the peaceful frame which succeeds humiliation, not necessarily, but through grace. Considered 2 Titus i. 10. in order to preach on it to-morrow.: Found myself sinking into an earthly and unhappy spirit and struggled against it, and rose above it. The livth of Isaiah, and iiird and ivth of 1 John afforded me much refreshment. Walked with--, not in that exercise of heavenly-mindedness and love which I expected, but through worldly conversation, I returned home dissatisfied. After dinner the sense of my ingratitude to God and indifference to the poor people at Lulworth filled me with shame as having existed habitually in me. Prayer, however, removed my unwillingness to duty, and slothfulness, and I went forth disposed to visit the people in Wall's lane. The awfulness of the ministry pressed on my mind deeply. O that I might remember what it , f is to watch for souls as those that must give account.

22. Found the presence of God in prayer at night.

23. Interrupted by preparation for my journey. I went on the Telegraph to London, with my thoughts . M taken up at first with happy views of God, but afterwards they wandered dissatisfied, upon the things around me.

24. Rose early, and with great difficulty attained a I right spirit by prayer. Learnt some of Psalms xci. And cxix. by heart. Walked about the streets, calling at the booksellers', &c. till two o'clock. Thought little of God during my walk through this great city; when I did, however, it was with much affection. Returned, and if read St. James, and Edwards on Redemption. Distracted by the bustle of this place, and the dissipation of my thoughts through want of reading and meditation; found it hard to be collected in private, or to force myself into a clear and lively view of eternal things.

25. Called on Dr. Wollaston, and at the British Museum, and attended the Gresham Lecture on Music by Dr. B--. Returned, and unable to remain longer in such a dissipated, unholy state, I. sought God earnestly in prayer, and found that degree of realizing faith, which is necessary for my peace. After dinner I called on-------, and I stated the circumstances of my family to him, and he seemed to think that I ought to wait longer for the directions of Providence. A veil was thus cast over my future proceedings, and I went away bowed down in spirit. In company I forgot that sweet poverty of spirit which it would become me more to feel. Poor mean thing that I am; but I am contented to remain contemptible among men, so that my heart be thereby made in any degree more fit for the residence of God. I walked back to Mr. Bates', cheerfully resigning the conduct of this business to God.

26. Staid at home till near one; read some Greek Testament with Mr. Bates, and Jonathan Edwards on Redemption. I then walked to the India House to Mr. Grant, who desired I would come down to Clapham. So I went with Mr. Grant, and upon the road he gave me much information on the state of India. He said that the language spoken by the natives who lived in the English settlements, was the Hindostanee, which was a mixture of several languages, Arabic, Persic, Shanscrit, a sort of lingua franca, but that the Bengalee vernacular tongue of the bulk of the inhabitants, and must be acquired by missionaries amongst the Hindoos; that it would be absolutely necessary to keep three servants, for three can do no more than the work of one English; that no European constitution can endure being exposed to mid-day heat; that Mr. Swartz, who was settled at Tanjore, did do it for a time, walking among the natives. Mr. G. had never seen Mr. Swartz, but corresponded with him. He was the son of a Saxon gentleman (the Saxon gentlemen never enter the ministry of the church) and had early devoted himself to the work of a missionary amongst the Indians. Besides the knowledge of the Malabar tongue, in which he was profoundly skilled and eloquent, he was a good classic, and learnt the English, Portuguese, and Dutch. He was a man of dignified and polished manners, and cheerful. We arrived at Mr. Wilberforce's to dinner; in the evening we conversed about my business; they wished me to fill the church in Calcutta very much; but advised me to wait some time and to cherish the same views. To Mr. Wilberforce I went into a detail of my views, and the reasons that had operated on my mind. The conversation of Mr. Wilberforce and Mr. Grant during the whole of the day before the rest of the company, which consisted of Mr. Johnson of New South Wales, a French Abbé, Mrs. Unwin, Mrs. H. and other ladies, was edifying; agreeable to what I should think right for two godly senators, planning some means of bringing before Parliament propositions for bettering the moral state of the colony of Botany Bay. I had some conversation with the French Abbé about the authority of the church, but for want of understanding more French I could not well engage in it. At evening worship, Mr. W. expounded sacred scripture with serious plainness, and prayed in the midst of his large household. In my room, after difficulty at first, I realized eternal things, and retired to rest in the desire of walking more closely with God.

27. Evil tempers, and dark perverted views of divine things, made me unwilling to pray this morning, as they often do, yet by prayer the Lord restored my soul, and led me in the paths of righteousness for his name' sake. I had many strong heart-searching desires after grace and holiness, but these are like "the early dew," and it is for want of a contrite spirit that my purposes of keeping in view one thing are so unsteady. The deep-rooted pride of my heart makes God behold it afar off, and throws a veil over all the bright and joyous things in religion. Walked in the shrubbery, and read some of Miss Hamilton on Education, till breakfast. After breakfast read a French account of the death of Louis XVI. which the Abbé put into my hands, and after some conversation with Mr. W. left them at one, and took a place in the coach for London; had an opportunity of speaking to the landlady on the wickedness of not going to church; and on the coach-box with the driver, I was talking to him all the way; some of it he received very well, other parts not. Mr. S. called on me this morning after my return, and with him afterwards I had a really religious conversation. In prayer before dinner, after much pain, I drew near to God, and received strength and seriousness. After being much in company, I declined as usual in spirit, but the music and the sight of a rural scene of solitude had the effect of fixing my thoughts on heaven.

28. My whole morning prayer was taken up as much of late in labouring after a humble and contrite spirit. Drank tea at Mr. Newton's; the old man was very civil to me, and striking in his remarks in general; but few being disposed to speak, and he deaf, the conversation on the origin of sacrifices, a subject I proposed according to his desire, was not much illustrated. On my return I found myself unhappy in mind, and unhappy in heart, but by prayer and reading some scripture, I recovered. This text which I met, gave me many glad and instructive thoughts. "If any man serve me let him follow me, and where I am there shall my servant be." Read in the evening to Mrs.--, 'Burke on the Sublime,' and had in the course of it, an instructive conversation on contrition of heart; she wished to feel it more, and I know it is the one thing needful for my peace.

29. (Sunday) Read Isaiah liv. after breakfast, with some consideration and profit. ... On coming home, I retired to my room, and had a most affecting reading of Isaiah liii. The arm of the Lord seemed to be revealed to me. What manner of love was it that the Lord should be pleased to bruise him. I found it in my heart to grieve at the sufferings of Christ, and the sins that occasioned them, and not to seek for any of this world's enjoyments, when Christ was such a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. I hoped that my soul would have been tender and humble the remaining part of the day. After evening church, drank tea with Mr. S. and had a very profitable religious conversation; he seemed to desire we should part with prayer, but as v my mind was rather distracted, I went away without it, but my heart smote me afterwards, accusing me of sloth.

In prayer at night had many sweet thoughts of God's pardoning love, and protecting power, and interceded with unusual earnestness for my dear sister.

31. Began the day in hopes of being able to keep:' steadily in view the eternal world, and to walk humbly with God. Alas! I have little fear of God before my eyes, and seem to belittle aware of the peremptory commandment of God. I go on from day to day indulging indeed no sin in my heart, yet feebly pressing towards the mark; yet I seem to imagine that a slight review of the defects of each day is sufficient, * * * * * * May the Lord give me repentance I unto life, open my eyes and give me a holy fear, lest after having preached to others I myself should become a castaway. Read Isaiah--at one we went to hear the charge delivered to the missionaries at the New London Tavern in Cheapside. There was nothing remarkable in it, but the conclusion was affecting. I shook hands with the two missionaries, Melchior Rayner, and Peter Hartwig, and almost wished to go with them but certainly to go to India.

Returned and read Isaiah, and retired in hopes of holding communion with God, and receiving strength for the remaining part of the day. But whilst I was beginning to intercede for some of my dearest friends (in which I am very irregular) and especially for the two missionaries I was called down by some friends. The afternoon passed in much Christian conversation, and in the evening went to London Stone Church, where--preached on "the blood of sprinkling, which speaketh better things than that of Abel." What do I know, as he asked, of the cleansing efficacy of the blood of Christ? The continually open fountain of that precious blood is an encouragement to me to come for pardon after repeated falls, but do I not walk less carefully under the covenant of grace than I should do under the covenant of works?

Feb. 1. Read Isaiah, and endeavoured to think about a sermon for Sunday. Walked with M. to the British Museum, and though I saw there much for which I could at times glorify God,--as the varieties of birds, fishes, reptiles, minerals, &c. and the works of his intelligent creatures,--I was plagued with the workings of an evil, proud, selfish, dissipated, discontented heart.

2. Left London and came to Cambridge. At first on the road my thoughts ascended freely to God, and my remarks were lively, and I began to think with pleasure on my Sunday's sermon, but I soon grew tired.

3. Went to bed with an earnest and hopeful desire of living in poverty of spirit and a sense of my own unworthiness.

4. The temper I wished to retain was a source of great tranquillity to me this morning. I was rather oppressed with care, yet I checked the suggestions of sloth by considering the example of Christ and his ministers in the present day, and was rather humbled as I ought to be, that I did not feel a burning zeal for the salvation of the poor Lolworth people, which would make it sweet to preach the Gospel. Employed all the rest of the evening in thinking of my sermon. In prayer at night, at whatever part of myself I looked, an immense change seemed to be necessary. Except for more zeal I could only pray again and again, "Create in me anew heart, and renew a right spirit within me."

5. (Sunday.) In preaching at Lolworth was more serious than usual, and felt an earnest desire to persuade them to commit their souls to Christ. After church called at two of the cottages. In one the man, the father of a large family, and in the other the mother, of whom I expected better things, told me in the course of conversation that they used the belief as their favourite prayer at night. I was perfectly shocked, not only at their accounting this prayer, but also that, after having heard the gospel so long, they should not at least know better. During my ride home I was much depressed at reflecting on their extreme ignorance, yet through the miserable perverseness of my heart, instead of pitying them I felt the strongest dislike to going to Lolworth, or to any such kind of work. What a spirit for a missionary! But I looked up steadily to Christ, and though the prospect of such uncomfortable ministerial labours damped my spirits, yet I encouraged myself with the examples of Christ and his wise and holy servants, now with him in glory, who once passed their lives in such services. I considered too that such difficulties were beforehand to be expected, and that unless I suffered with him I should not reign with him. To these arguments I was obliged to have recourse, for the love of God and of souls was not uppermost in my thoughts.

6. All my prayers should be full of important petitions, and should be attended with so much diligence as to make me remember the subjects of them, and wait for answers. Yet I scarcely remember about what I prayed this morning. At dinner to-day I fell again into that self-indulgence which I determine to avoid. Want of self-denial in the little things, which concern the body &c. unspeakably enervates the soul, and wounds the conscience. I sat down in the evening to read the Scriptures for my own comfort, and was able to give many hours to it uninterruptedly. I collected all the passages from the four gospels that had any reference to self-denial. It is a subject I need to preach about to myself, and mean to do to others. How unspeakably awful is the latter part of Mark ix. Oh! have I consid4ered what it is to be in hell for ever, and that my sin really deserves hell. O Holy Spirit decide my mind when it is doubtful. Let me perceive how rich the mercy is for me to be permitted to flee from the wrath to come. Let me see how slight are the trials I am called to endure for the gospel's sake. And let the ministerial work to which I often have carnal objections, be my dear delight.

7. Oppressed with care this morning for want of time to prepare for the evening. Walked with Mr. S. who advised me not to preach extempore yet, so I shall desist. * * My soul trembles often, lest my repentance should not be deep enough, or lest my sins should be unpardonable. But the blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth from all sin, and if there is any state of mind I desire, it is not joy, but grief; for then I feel my footing surer--am better disposed to diligence, sympathy, and heavenly-mindedness.

8. Did not endeavour to maintain that childlike, humble, serious frame, which is the desire of my reflecting hours. Prepared for the evening in a more cheerful spirit than heretofore. But during my walk, anxiety on that account constantly damped those sweet and heavenly thoughts which, at intervals, arose in my mind. Made the reflection at dinner, which I have often had occasion to make when I have been most oppressed, that even this condition is infinitely preferable to that of those whose minds are discontented in the pursuit of dangerous trifles, whereas my trials, which either arise from ministerial or Christian duties, are for my present and eternal welfare. Let not the Lord be provoked at my continual obstinacy, for I am indeed as a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke, but may He, by his own gracious influences, subdue my stubborn will. Drank tea at -----'s. There were so many people crowded in a very small room, that my faculties were quite clouded. I found great difficulty in explaining the first chapter of Revelation, and was very unprofitable, and, what was worse, my heart went not forth; as it seldom does. When I came to the part, "to him that loved us," &c. where, if anywhere, my tongue should have been loosed, I could say nothing, and it was for want of a contrite spirit. When I knelt down to pray, it seemed as if I had not a word to say, yet I found myself soon at ease, and particularly disposed to dwell on the prospect of the world to come.

9. Read some Psalms before church, but found I had been getting into shortness in prayer. How can I "expect the comforting and sanctifying presence of God, 'without "watching unto prayer with all perseverance?" At church preached on "Enoch walked with God." O how much is contained in that text! What holy breathings of soul, what familiarity with God! What acquaintance with his ways. It was to-day my constant desire, though not my attainment, to be truly humbled; without this temper I cannot pray aright. It is a hard? proud heart, that keeps me from rejoicing in God.

10. Rose earlier than for some time. Considered the latter part of Ezekiel xvi. for an hour or two. In prayer about this time, I desired the true spirit of contrition, but for want of variety in expression for prayers for this grace, my petitions slip through my own mind unheeded, the words not exciting corresponding ideas. The subject I was considering this morning, namely, why we should sorrow for sin when it is forgiven, was very comforting. I expect more profit yet from the further prosecution of it.

11. When I walked, enjoyed much delight in the happiness of a soul bought with blood. I had a more clear view of the glory of the dispensation of redemption than ever, and felt also assured of future glory. How trifling then did all expected difficulties appear, though these happy moments soon passed away, yet blessed be the Lord for them. Such Elim refreshments encourage me to urge my dreary way with speed through the wilderness.

12. Had some desires in prayer for the good of my Lolworth people. On my ride thither, I was in general able to cleave to God, though sorrowful, and to be unconcerned about the comforts or distresses of the body. Preached on the parable of the Publican and Pharisee, a written sermon, clear and generally, I believe, understood. Called at three of the houses, two of the masters of them were serious men, in whom I was much comforted. Before the sermon I had prayed as in a void and barren place, to which God would not vouchsafe his presence, but now I rode away in a more cheerful mood.

13. I took my walk in great distress about my want of preparation for the evening, yet I put my trust in God, and seemed to feel a spark of grace amidst all these billows of corruption and trouble. Indeed I seem used to these trials, and the remembrance of past assistance helps me onward. The part I took was Ezek. xvi. 6. but I got on with difficulty; in prayer rather better. When shall I minister with a heavenly sweetness in my own heart? when shall I have high and exalted views of this glorious ministration of the Spirit? In prayer at night, I had a solemn sense of the presence of God, and was conscious that he heard me.

14. Having no urgent business to seize my mind this day, I enjoyed for a while the liberty of being disengaged, but it had the effect of leading my heart astray. Sat down to read at last, with a more serious sobriety of mind. O what happiness is there in a heart weaned from the world, and undisturbed by its perplexing vanities. But I am very far from a steady enjoyment of these things. More frequently I only feel a momentary desire and wish to enjoy such a frame. Read the beginning of the Acts, with some profit. In prayer at the society and with-------afterwards, found to my sorrow that I am acquiring an unthinking fluency. O let me learn to watch my spirit, and seek to pray in secret, earnestly, in a heart-searching manner!

15. Read this morning Kichener's account of his success in Africa. I felt a happy delight arising from the account. Omitted one of the parties (which I had in a manner promised to attend) thinking it right to appropriate more time to myself. I had some little doubt whether I was doing right, but begged of God that I might improve the time I had taken for myself.

Nevertheless, I accepted without thinking, an invitation from Mr. Simeon to drink tea, where I met L. with his fulness of anecdote engrossed the whole conversation, so that I went away at eight o'clock with the dissatisfied conviction of having lost two hours. Went home eager to read, and began to think upon Mark viii. 36. but spent several hours in vain attempts to define the extent of self-denial, and to define it at all. Alas! the days that I lose. I am an unprofitable servant, Lord, teach me to redeem my time. .

16. Breakfasted with M. and B. but, though I had solemnly engaged in prayer with a sense of the importance of a deep seriousness, and earnest improvement of
the talents of conversation, I was neither profitable nor sober-minded. Thought about Mark viii. 36. with very little better success during the whole morning. Prayed over the promises in Isaiah xli. 42, 43.

17. A despicable indulgence in lying in bed this morning gave me such a view of the dangerous softness of my character, that I resolved on my knees, to live a life of far more self-denial than I had ever yet done, and to begin with little things. Accordingly, I ate my breakfast standing at a distance from the fire, and stood reading at the window during the morning, though the thermometer stood at the freezing point. I was so cold that I did not get on much in my work of sermon; but the effect on the flow of my thoughts was very surprising, the tone and vigour of my mind rose rapidly. No expected difficulty daunted me, but seemed to stimulate me to encounter it. I rejoiced that God had made this life a time of trial. To climb the steep ascent, to run, to fight, to wrestle, was the strong desire of my heart. I was sometimes in doubt whether this were not merely the vain and proud spirit of heathen sages; but passages enough of scripture occurred to remind me that the spirit of the gospel was self-denying. As I walked afterwards, this temper still remained. All those duties from which I usually shrunk, seemed but recreations, and the sight of the vaulted roof of azure, bid me aspire to reach it by treading in the footsteps of Christ. At five, went to Mr. P.'s, and without clearness spoke to them on "Thy will be done." Went away feeling the iniquity of my holy things, for though fluent in prayer, I found myself unimpressed with the ordinance at which I had been ministering. Passed the rest of the evening in writing on Ezek. xxxvii. 11-13.

18. Employed most of the day in writing on the same subject as yesterday. In prayer at noon interceded seriously for the people at Lolworth. I prayed particularly that I might take delight in being with them, and wait in faith for the time when this wilderness should begin to blossom. In my walk had too much lightness of spirit. Conversed with an old man on the road, who seemed to have a serious concern, but was building on his own foundation. I preached to him Jesus Christ. He seemed to receive the doctrines without emotions of any kind, but I hope these truths will be found to suit him the next time he is in fear.

I indulged the pleasing hope, that I had been sent to him, as Philip to the Eunuch.

This is my birth-day. Twenty-three years have elapsed since I saw the light, only four of which have been professedly given to God. Much has been left undone, much, very much remains to be done in altering my views as a Christian and a minister. Yet my past experience of the long-suffering of God, leaves me in no doubt of being carried on all the way. My desires at first were half true and half false; but now I feel that my heart is whole for heaven, and the world in the main behind my back. Yet its passing vanities, and the flesh kept under too little, make me gain little ground. Praised be the Lord for his mercy, for his patience, for it is that which the last year has taught me to understand. The number of my days is exactly fixed in his purpose. O may I glorify thee on the earth, and finish the work thou givest me to do through Jesus Christ!

19. (Sunday.) Many happy and heavenly thoughts were kept out of my mind, by reading at church instead of praying there. Preached at Lolworth, on Ezek. xxxvii.11-13, but not intelligibly, and without animation. The two families on whom I called afterwards, seemed incapable of comprehending or attending to any saving truths. Was greatly dejected when riding home, on account of their ignorance and my want of zeal. Alas! how can I expect they should feel life from my preach ing, if I have it not myself. Yet I feel disposed to;4 labour in prayer for improvement.

20. Morning passed with pupils, and preparing for the evening. I found after dinner, the presence of my God in prayer; how great is his mercy, that without I any particular meditation or reading, he permitted me to speak freely, and to look off for a time from those concerns, even of a religious kind, which, through my weakness, either of knowledge or faith, often distress and burden me. After giving the afternoon to the subject, I went very cheerfully to Mr. Phillips's, and spoke on the subject of temptation from the words, "God did tempt Abraham." Stammered out some very unintelligible things, which did not seem at all to engage their attention. Went away humbled and grieved at the iniquity of my holy things. If ever my ministrations are of use, it is the Lord who makes them so.

21. How many dark and uncertain days in the years of my pilgrimage. Finding it impossible to prepare for the evening, I went to request S-- to go in my stead, but he was out of town. This was some vexation to me, yet I endeavoured to make it an occasion of faith, for I thought that if I were going about the work of God, he would give me grace to perform it. W-- called on me to walk, but as my heart was heavy, I could not introduce with success any religious topic, but rather I fear, betrayed a satirical temper, which I detest, conceiving it to be the most opposite to a Christian temper of any. * * * O let me live in a holy superiority to those earthly things which would tempt me to sin by producing anger. After a busy day sat up very late to gain a few moments to read. Read Brown's remarks on the latter part of Genesis, with some comfort and profit. Never a day comes without annoyances. Every day my will is thwarted. Let these trials but issue in my sanctification, and I will welcome them all. I trust and hope that from them I have learned in a great degree the evil of sin, a humbled and tender spirit, and a subjugation of the will to God. Yet amid these trials of my faith and patience, my walk is not close with God, as far as it regards the manifestations of his presence. I seem to pray to a God not angry, but indifferent about my prayers. This I know to be occasioned by my not reading Scripture enough for myself; for if I were in company with another Being, I should not be much the better for his presence, however much I might speak to him, unless I were to hear his voice.

22. Rose full of dark and fearful thoughts, but soon became easier by recollection and prayer.

23. Stayed up so late last night, that I could rise but just in time to receive C-- to breakfast; but it was neither a time of profitable conversation, nor an exercise to me of a heavenly temper. After he was gone, I sat down to read a newspaper, forgetful of having had no prayer; and though I recollected this in the middle of it, I continued reading, thinking with myself, that I might as well finish, and so have done with it. In prayer afterwards I hardly knew in what manner to approach God, and how to address him. I could not dare to confess the sinfulness of that which, if I confessed, it, would be a profession of my having deliberately disobeyed the dictates of my conscience, the moment before; which I was not convinced that I had.

24. Rose at half-past five with great difficulty, and after a long deliberation, so little have I been in the habit lately of not listening to the body. In prayer, new and original subjects of petition seemed to open before me.

25. The leisure hours of the morning were employed in writing a sermon. Omitted walking, through a self-indulgent dislike of a cold wind which blew, but loitered about instead, and in consequence was dull and unfit for writing during the rest of the day.

I was quite overcome with sleep in the evening, till on going to prayer I recovered myself; but my prayers, though generally four times a day at least, are very poor and short. I do not engage in the duty unwillingly, but I am satisfied with a narrow and short transition, from things temporal to things eternal.

26. (Sunday.) Strove to maintain such a sense of the blessedness of the Sabbath, of the composure of mind which becomes me, of the excellency of preaching the gospel, of the earnest desire it behoves me to feel for the salvation of souls, as I knew I ought to feel, and then did feel. On my ride to Lolworth, was more right in spirit than I have been for some time past. The inclemency of the weather affected me less; I found the presence of God in my heart, with which I felt that the most dark and dreary place would be pleasant. I offered up my prayers also for the poor people to whom I was going; but alas! my desires for their salvation were so small, that I ought to be ashamed to mention them, and grieved before God. Preached on the parable of the lost sheep; a blessed subject, yet my manner of writing and speaking made it, I am afraid, of little use; but I prayed that God would not make my weakness a reason of its not profiting them. I thought it right to accept an invitation to drink tea with Mr.-- at Lolworth, in hope of being able to conciliate him.

Mr. Simeon's sermon this evening, on Ezek. xxxvi. 32, was very humiliating to me. The hymn before the sermon, in behalf of ministers, seemed to draw down a blessing at the time upon my soul.

27. Very narrow in my petitions this morning, chiefly on one point, that my business might not confuse my thoughts, and lead me away from God, which I think was answered. During my walk I felt an aching void. My heart was not forcing itself from God's service, or to sin, but it was unable to find any subject of desire, or fear, or occasion of prayer, except that light and earnestness might be given me. This extreme emptiness must be owing, I think, to not reading more of his word in private devotion, which I have determined to do, for it is a duty superior to the duties of the ministry, which indeed I cannot perform well without it. Yet the pressure of business tempts me to shorten the time which ought to be devoted to God. After dinner, found a few moments of prayer of blessed effect in recalling my mind. Sat till four with two old women at the alms-house, and then went to Parish's lecture; from that time till nine employed about a sermon to little purpose. Got on afterwards with my sermon a few pages, for which I felt thankful.

29. Employed about my sermon all leisure hours. I was more serious than for some time, and during my walk, felt and lamented the evil of faithless prayers, and irreverent ejaculations.

March 1. During my walk I had not humiliation enough to be happy, but yet I was so impressed with the necessity of self-denial, that no further difficulty terrified me. Was much affected with an apostrophe at the end of Biddulph's account of D--'s death.

2. At night about my sermon, read the latter end of Revelations, and so very lively was the impression on my mind, that I was often in tears. So awful, so awakening is this book to me. Prayed with more fervour than I have done of late, and went to bed full of the sense of the importance of eternal things, and of living every day as my last.

6. In the morning I sought to rouse myself to greater earnestness in prayer, and enjoyed some freedom in it. It was my earnest desire to walk in the fear of God's holy name, and to have a more awful alarm about my state, and to dread his displeasure. Read and prayed on John xiv, and was peaceful in the course of my walk out. Looked at an iron foundry in Wall's Lane: the fierce fire raised many solemn ideas of God's power, and of hell.

7. Vexed at my loss of time. At church this morning I began to read the service with the most daring indifference, as if it were a loss of time, not regarding the presence of that great God before whom I ministered, but afterwards he had mercy on me, and taught me to tremble; my vexatious murmuring at loss of time continued afterwards, but during my walk I recovered tranquillity, and reflected that I could never be more profitably employed than in doing his will, and that if that called me out of doors, it was my duty to enjoy his presence wherever I went. Composed some poetry during my walk, which often has a tendency to divert my thoughts from the base distractions of this life, and to purify and elevate it to higher subjects. Visited--and then the work-house, and one of the women in the alms-house.

On my return to my rooms, read Hopkins with great delight, and felt disposed to find all my happiness in prayer, reading God's word, and in the work of the ministry. O may these motions of the good Spirit of God never be taken away, through the wickedness of my own heart; but what wonders of long-suffering and of grace do I experience from God every day! "Where sin hath abounded, grace doth much more abound." May it reign through righteousness unto eternal life.

8. During my walk, my mind was too much engaged in the composition of poetry, which I found to leave me far short of that sweetness I seemed in a frame to enjoy. Yet on the spot where I have often found the presence of God, the spirit of prayer returned; but I never continue long enough in the exercise of it to profit much. I feel the need of setting apart the first day I can for the restoration of my soul by solemn prayer, for my views of eternity are becoming very dim and transient; prayed with fervour and sincerity, I hope, for myself, lest envy should arise in my wretched heart, * * * I could not have believed but that I was next to perfectly indifferent about worldly honour, but I was now convinced of the contrary. Alas! how much more ready and disposed am I to prefer in myself intellectual attainments to moral, and more willing to allow my own inferiority in this latter rather than in the former. In my endeavours to rise beyond the mean vanities of human glory, my soul enjoyed many precious thoughts of eternity, and thus I perceive how every disquiet operates for the good of God's children, by stirring them up to pray. Oh how rich the mercy, to have one to whom to apply for deliverance from these malignant passions! and how needful is purification from the filthiness of the spirit! I have seldom considered myself as even liable to envy. I feel considerable pain at being surpassed in learning or abilities by those of the same age, but little or none at my inferiority in moral acquirements. That this is the fact I cannot doubt, if I know my own mind. How is it to be accounted for? The manner most favourable to myself, in which I should account for it, is that any body may advance as far as he will in moral endowments, but not so in intellectual, and the value of the object is enhanced by the difficulty of attaining it.

9. I read Smith on the 'Sacred Office,' and acquired many awakening and quickening impressions from that work. I trust that it will be blest by God to my good, for I felt many holy desires of being truly a man of prayer and heavenly-mindedness. Henceforth may I be so, but at present I am a poor creature. Blind, yet believing, I see; almost dead, yet believing, I live.

10. Rose in a temper of calmness, but passed my leisure hours unprofitably, for want of exerting myself more. The conviction of my unprofitableness stirred me up to pray with some earnestness over part of 1 Timothy, but so dwelt upon my mind during my whole walk, that I could not raise my heart to God with any delight.

On my favourite spot, the scene of many sacred thoughts, my Bethel, into which I hope never to enter without a holy awe, and never to leave without a blessing, I knelt down and prayed for relief to my soul. I think my prayer was answered, for I found myself more at peace.

13. My heart again this morning filled me with! evil thoughts and unwillingness to approach God, from whom I had received so lately such unexpected favours and mercies. Yet in prayer it assumed a different temper. During my walk I sought without much success to have a rejoicing of hope by trust in God, in spite of the thoughts that arose to depress my mind.

14. Why do I not always maintain a humble, serious, and loving spirit?

15. Rose early, and passed the day in the enjoyment of considerable peace. In the morning I got on in my sermon with ease, and found the subject of unbelief attended with a blessing to myself. The passages adduced to obviate unbelief, were so influential upon my mind, that I found myself drawn nearer to God, and able to walk with him in tranquillity. Oh, what an incitement to holiness is it, that in no one case is it right to depart from God.

Whether from negligence or necessary business, I had no reading of God's word all the day. This is an evil that must be remedied, though I hardly know how to effect it. Public ministrations take up my time and thoughts too much, though too little of my heart. I ought to make my own soul's increase of grace and love to God, my great and primary concern, and to leave my outward ministrations to Him, whom I may safely trust to for assistance, if I walk strictly in his ways. I often regret that I am not a private Christian, but when

I was, my soul was not fixed on spiritual things, even as it is now.

17. I had many careful thoughts and unbelieving fears in my walk, and found great difficulty in getting on in my sermon, and great interruption, and much fatigue and dislike to the service of Christ, but looked up to heaven for support, and repeated those words, "I know that for my name's sake thou hast laboured and hast not fainted."

18. (Sunday.) Employed about sermon till church time, during the service enjoyed much delight.

Mr. Simeon's sermon in the evening was very awful, and reached my conscience.

19. By rising late I was short in prayer, yet I can almost always reach beyond the world, partly indeed by the help of imagination. All the morning I was with------and went away in great sorrow; but in prayer I again and again professed to resign all my will to God, and in that spirit to wait for the manifestation of his. The rest of this afternoon I was continually tempted to misery and unbelief in departing from God, but by ejaculatory prayer I kept my ground.

Read some chapters in Exodus afterwards, and had my heart solemnly impressed with the mighty power of God. On the whole, though I have studied little, and done nothing for the good of others, I have found it an occasion of shewing me the love and power of God. These faint glimmerings of the knowledge of God, make me desire to know him more, and to long after that life where I shall know even as I am known.

20. My spirit groans at my unprofitableness. For want of study, and diligence in redeeming time, my mind is empty and unsatisfied. Stayed an hour with --, and employed the rest of the morning in writing and reading from 'Edwards on the Affections,' without gaining any knowledge. Have not yet got into its spirit. In my walk, my heart was not fixed upon God, nor upon any thing else. After dinner was with--till four, then I sat with a party at Mr. Simeon's till seven, then with my pupil till ten. Thus the day was passed, no Scripture read, seldom in prayer to God, no poor people visited, no knowledge gained in a day which should have been taken up in right and improving exercises, as I had no particular engagement. How angry I feel at myself, and I hardly know for what. I can hardly tell how to reform my mode of life, so as to gain time. But earnestly does my soul long to live a life of piety and prayer.

21. Resolved to set apart the chief part of this day for solemn prayer and humiliation. But through interruptions, I could not begin till half-after ten, when my soul so tasted the sweetness of religion and prayer, that as soon as I opened my mouth, my heart was full; and for half an hour I enjoyed great abstraction from the world, and nearness to God. But at eleven I read prayers at church, not with such devotion as I expected, but during an hour and a half, which I passed afterwards in reading Scripture and prayer, I found my heart hard and bitter, not only at being so little disposed to pray for my people at Lolworth, but at the necessity of my loving them, and of labouring and praying for them. Alas! I must have far, far more love to souls before I dare go abroad. During my walk, my mind cleared up.

22. Rose a little after five, but was not able to begin my sermon. G-- breakfasted with me, and stayed all the morning telling me about India. During my walk, my sermon began to open before me, and I returned home cheerful, and desiring to be always happy by trusting God. At night I read to my bed-maker, and prayed somewhat solemnly, and in private afterwards, with some fervour, in the conviction of my unprofitableness.

23. Coming away from the poor-house, I found people quarrelling in the street, to which I presently put a stop; but it is painful to reflect with what unconcern I daily witness the sin and misery of my fellow-creatures.

24. My prayer this morning, as every morning for some time, has been almost wholly for seriousness and sobriety of mind. Passed a long time with --. Thus my hours are lost, my mind is unimproved, and yet it is an imperious call of duty. May the Lord take care of me, and order all things for my good.

25. (Sunday.) Read prayers in chapel. At church was not steadily tranquil. Preached at Shelford on 2 Tim. i. 10. I enjoyed much delight in the service; I spoke with freedom and clearness, and trust it was not unprofitable to the hearers.

26. Read in chapel with some difficulty, on account of the exertions of yesterday. In private prayer, prayed that my past unprofitableness might not lead away my wretched heart from God, nor discourage me from holding on my way. Read 'Fletcher's Portrait' for an hour with great profit, and prayed after it in deeper sense of my own meanness, and my utter unworthiness of the work of the ministry * * * Tact in this business in conformity to the will of God, according to the best of my judgment; yet thus my time passes unimproved, but I must patiently submit to it; at night I drew near to God in prayer, and felt disposed thankfully to labour in all earnestness and simplicity, to call my poor fellow-creatures to Christ.

27. 28. Wrote during the morning on Job xxii. 21. During my walk I had many solemn thoughts on Mr. C--'s death. In the afternoon baptised five children, and found myself approaching to that levity from which I have been more free of late.

30. (Good Friday.) Read in chapel, and finished my sermon with my mind somewhat solemnly impressed with the subject of it. At church I strove to profit by the sermon, which I did, for I went away very desirous of imitating the faith of Abraham. But alas! when the trials of faith come, as they do every day, I am seldom aware, and seldom act worthily.

Before evening church, I had a few profitable moments in prayer, which had its effect during the whole evening service. I long for communion with the blessed God.

31. Breakfasted with S--, and retained the serious impressions of the morning prayer. After dinner, being at leisure, from having procured the promise of assistance, began to pray with great fervour, and found my eyes open soon upon the invisible world. I continued so in great freedom and earnestness rather more than half an hour, but oh, I could live for ever in prayer, if I could always in it speak to God! At the end felt a great fear of forgetting the presence of God, and of leaving him as soon as I should leave the posture of devotion. My mind was strongly impressed; with that wonderful sight of the invisible things which the believer is made to receive, and I was eager to read what Dr. Watts has written on the hidden life. I had never read it before, but I was exceedingly delighted: with it, as it cleared my mind, and raised my thoughts more to a steady belief of the spiritual life. Drank tea with Mr. Simeon, and was much struck and edified by his account of God's providence, in bringing him first to his church. Read Watts's sermon afterwards till supper, and went into hall with my mind fully engaged in the high subject on which I had been meditating.

Found--and--conversing about * * * * * * * * * * * * * * All this appeared to me to be a bubble and a dream. Perhaps they would have accounted me a visionary, could they have read my mind. It was with some pity, I hope, and grief, that I contemplated in silence, men of strong minds so childishly employed.

April 1. (Easter Sunday.) Was prevented by one thing and another, from being any considerable time in prayer, which I endeavoured to regard as a visit to the invisible world. In the morning service I was not abstracted from the world, except at a few passing intervals. In the sacrament I had to lament the want of a broken heart, and in my private prayers at the time, I seemed to be speaking in a crowd when I could think of nothing distinctly. Called at the house of a poor woman in Wall's Lane. Her husband, who would never suffer any one to come near her till a few days before, came into the house. I went out and warned 'the wicked man that he would surely die.' He confessed that he was cut to the heart when I talked to him of eternal torment, and consented to come in and join in prayer--, which he did.

2. In my walk I found myself, as far as I could judge, entirely disposed to obey the will of God in whatever manner he might order it, having particularly in my mind--------------.

4. In my walk I was somewhat in a rejoicing frame, at the remembrance of what God had done for me by Christ and his Spirit. I longed for that heaven where I should be perfectly pure and active. I sat and read the last chapter of Revelation.

5. Walked with--, but my mind was not disposed by communion with God for spiritual conversation, for he called before the time of my prayer. Was extremely edified by --'s sermon at Trinity Church, both in my private and public capacity. I was ashamed and grieved at writing, and having written such sermons, after hearing his truly religious gravity.

6. Walked with G--, but having had no prayer immediately before going out, I could not converse with ease and cordiality, though I wished it.

7. In my walk could not get near to God; want of reading Scripture is the reason of this strangeness. H--and S--sat with me till past seven; from dinner time our conversation was such that I did not think the time spent in vain. Went to Mrs. T--, who was apparently dying. It was of no use to read, they said, so I spoke to her, begging her to cast herself simply upon Jesus. She observed once while I was not speaking to her, that she should be miserable for ever unless God would have mercy upon her, but she hoped he would for the sake of Jesus Christ. This was the first time I had heard her mention the name of Christ. Then she said, she had no deep repentance. She wished to have more time, though but a day longer, that she might have a deeper repentance.

8. In my prayer this morning, as for some time past, I could easily find myself alone with God, but failed in topics of supplication for want of reading. Preached at Trinity church without much comfort. Detestable thoughts about the opinions of men so intruded. During service at night, and preaching at Trinity church, my mind enjoyed great solemnity. I find that preaching well and living well in humiliation and communion with God have no necessary connection. At night in reading Rev. i. and ii. I had many solemn and blessed thoughts. To the angel of the church at Lolworth write--What? To that of Ephesus he said, "I know thy labour;" would he say so tome? I feel convinced that I do not labour in secret prayer for them. "Thou hast left thy first love." Alas! I never did love as I ought. Henceforth it is my desire to know God, and labour indeed, and enter deeply into this rich treasure of his word, and to grow in every grace.

9. I addressed myself with earnest prayer and a strong desire, to know and learn the epistle to the Romans in the Greek, and read the two first chapters with attention and profit.

10. I enjoyed much comfort in prayer this morning. I find that it is my great business to strive to maintain a humble and serious mind, if I would enjoy peace and communion with God. Read in the Greek the epistle to Romans, with new and enlarging views. Walked to Shelford. Very often I could. see myself a lost sinner, a debtor to mercy alone. I was happy and joyful. Hoped and prayed on the road that I might in the day be aware of God's presence, and strive by all my conversation to glorify him. On my return home was not humbled enough to come near God. Supped in hall, where I had an opportunity of speaking the truth, which I did in a measure.

11. After a morning of continual interruptions went out with a painful sense of a day unprofitably spent. Yet in my walk, by seeing myself a debtor to mercy alone, I enjoyed much tranquillity and clearness of thought. At night I endeavoured to suppose myself on my death-bed, in order to see what views I should then have of my conduct in this business. What keeps me still in a sort of fear and suspense is, that the result of my deliberations coincides with my own will.

12.....dwelt heavily on my mind, but in prayer at noon I committed myself in trust to God and Christ with some peace and joy. In my way to Mr. Simeon's heard part of the service in King's Chapel. The sanctity of the place and the music, brought heaven and eternal things and the presence of God very near to me.

Read at church, and unexpectedly had much solemnity and happy views. Whenever I am attentive to this world, I see vanity and vexation of spirit written upon it. Alas! how much time lost. How much sin committed this day. Yet Oh, how I long to live a life of devotedness of God.

14. Distressed about my future plans, but by recollecting that whatever He ordered for me must be for His glory and for my final good, I recovered my quiet by resigning myself and all that concerned me into His hands; in prayer during my walk I did the same, and went away benefited, with a desire to live to God all the day. After dinner wrote sermon. In the evening, from having been more frequently in prayer to-day than usual, I drew nigh unto the Lord, and felt more fulness of heart in prayer for myself and others, though just before it I was distressed by many fearful and unbelieving thoughts. Read Thess. iv. and v. with exceeding profit, and learnt them by heart.

15. (Sunday.) Was prevented from so much reading and prayer as I wished to have, in order to maintain the impressions of last night. Read and preached at Trinity on John iv. 29. On the road to Stapleford, anxiety about the evening kept me a good deal from the sense of the presence of God. After the evening service I enjoyed the blessing of peace and joy. Thus the Lord is always better to me than my fears, and puts a new song into my mouth when I least expect it. In the family at night I joined with great freedom and delight in spiritual conversation, and strove to make it profitable to some young persons there. In prayer at night, the self-seeking departure from God and pride of my heart recurred to my recollection, and seemed to have filled up the day. The more attentively I consider my spirit at any one time, the more manifestly does my incessant proneness to sin appear to my conscience. I solemnly renounced the world, and the comforts, even the lawful comforts of it, before God this night, that I might be entirely his servant. This was accompanied with some degree of melancholy, as if I were about to be a loser by it, but I was made to perceive the pride and ignorance of supposing I had made any sacrifice. The remembrance of what I had done to deserve destruction, and the view of the superlative excellency and glory of being the servant of God, and having him for my only portion, soon made me thankful at having made a happy exchange.

18. The whole of the evening till a late hour, I was engaged in writing a few lines for the Seatonian Prize. I regard this exercise as a lawful pleasure, but I was employed with rather too great avidity, and the mind after it has been accustomed to fiction and pleasures of the imagination, returns unwillingly even to the most important realities.

19. H-- breakfasted with me, but I could not converse with freedom, indeed I had the utmost difficulty to keep the poem out of my head, both now and in the morning before prayer. Heard an impressive sermon from--on "I have fought a good fight," &c. O! I felt that I had never been fighting, never running. At moments indeed I have been stirred up to begin the struggle, but soon, before I was aware, I found myself self-indulgent, and my hands slack. In my walk found great pleasure in thinking on the subject of my poem, and it became such a snare that I was unwilling to turn from it to learn some of the Scriptures; but however I did, and found myself delivered, through mercy, from any strong bias to prefer any thing to the service of God.

21. Found myself in a serious humble spirit at rising, and determined to fast this day, thinking I should both be able to finish my sermon more easily and have besides time for solemn prayer. Finding myself in great distress about the affair of --, not knowing at all what the will of God was, I used the 27th and 25th Psalms in prayer with some relief.

22. (Sunday.) During the whole service in the evening, my mind enjoyed what resembled heavenly sweetness, but a great deal of it was carnal. Saw that early rising, self-denial, watchfulness, and prayer, are necessary to awaken in me more earnestness in religion.

24. Rose with very distressing thoughts, but was refreshed and strengthened in faith by prayer, so that instead of giving way to an improper temper with my pupils, I was able to be in a more serious and devout spirit. Read with attention Rom. v; and though I could not fully make out the difficult parts of it, the overflowings of grace exhibited in it were enlivening to my spirit. The blessed sense of it remained during my walk, though I had a great deal of unbelief.

25. My temper this day has been unwatchful. At church, however, this morning I guarded against that sinful delusion of reading the prayers carelessly, because there were but two or three people, and prayed I think earnestly. Drank tea with B--, with whom my conversation was as usual entirely spiritual, but I went away with reason to lament how much farther my tongue and head go in divine things than my heart.

26. Woke in great pain of body from a violent headache and great stupidity of mind. I scarcely knew what to do. I could think of no promise suitable, hut repeated Rom. viii. to myself without much affection. Happening to open 'Paley's Horse Paulinse,' where he describes the unwearied patience and invincible fortitude of St. Paul, I was revived in spirit. The whole train of apostles, and martyrs, and saints, struggling for immortality, suddenly passed in review before my mind, and inflamed my heart with an ardent desire to follow their faith and patience, and I prayed accordingly. Read some of 'Serle's Christian Remembrancer' on sickness and death, and sat about two hours with great pain of head, sometimes sleeping, but with great serenity of mind, for God had spoken comfort to my soul, not by any particular passage of Scripture, but by giving me the thought that I was alone with him. I then spoke to him as a friend, and as all my salvation. It is the want of a walk of faith, an assured hope, that brings on such disquiet at the prospect of death. Let it remind me to make my calling and election sure. O Eternity! Eternity!

27. Rose restored to health. Oh, how great are His mercies. Was hindered from morning prayer three hours, by pupils coming, during which time my spirit was rather hasty, worldly, and unchristian, for want of being set aright by prayer. Afterwards became calm and peaceful, though I had not much enlargement in prayer from want of time. Oh, what a reason is this to assign, when every moment of my short span of life and of the everlasting duration of my soul are His. Yet I am often tempted to shorten the time of devotion, by supposing duty calls me elsewhere.

Read in the evening a sermon by Bostwick, on "We preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord," every word of which cut deep into my conscience. I bless God for sending me such a word of conviction, but I believe I know little of Christ. In the choice of subjects for sermons, I never hit upon any which shall be directly upon the work or grace of Christ. There are unsearchable riches of Christ, but I know little of them.

With the system of doctrine I am acquainted, and find Christ's work my only delight; but the want of novelty in these subjects has heretofore often failed of arresting my attention to sermons which contained them, and therefore makes me despair of gaining the attention of my hearers, by discourses which shall contain nothing but those topics. May Christ in his mercy teach me better things! and if it be his glory, and the salvation of souls I aim at, in wishing to fix the attention of men, he will instruct me accordingly; but if not, if I cannot say anything new, or in a new manner, yet woe is me if I preach not the gospel. I have also never laboured as I ought, no, not in any degree either in public or private. But now I commend myself to God, and the word of his grace, beseeching him to show his creature more of his wickedness and ignorance, and so to reveal Christ in his heart, that I may be determined upon good grounds to know nothing but Jesus Christ, and him crucified.

29. (Sunday.) At rising and in prayer, tried, not without success, to be alone with God, and to have my mind impressed with the solemn work of preaching Christ to sinners. Preached at Stapleford on Luke xv. 4-7--7, and succeeded by watchfulness and prayer in maintaining steadiness and humility. In the afternoon preached on that awful subject, Ps. ix. 17, and began with some impression of heart, but was frequently speaking as if I was not one of the sinners I was addressing. In my walk back, not being able to introduce any thing religious, insensibly passed the whole time in talking about music; for this my conscience suffered afterwards. In prayer I found some difficulty in obtaining right views. Prepared myself during a walk in the shrubbery for the evening, and was blessed with many ardent thoughts, after an entire devotion to God, and forgetfulness of the world.

30. B-- breakfasted with me, but as my mind was not solemnized by sufficient prayer beforehand, a natural spirit was prevalent. During my walk I was thinking chiefly on the text, "Not as the offence, so is the free gift." I was at this time in heaviness on account of the business which oppresses me. I went home and fled to the throne of grace, without which I should be swallowed up with anguish at the affliction into which it has brought me, from irritation of mind and loss of time. In great sorrow I read some of Isaiah. I can praise God for this exceeding affliction, and beg him to give it its proper effect, but my pain arises greatly from want of time for reading and prayer, as also from doubtfulness about the will of God. Oh may he curb and subdue that proud and angry spirit which often, and particularly to-day, has risen up in indignation.

May 1. From twelve to one C--sat with me, to my great vexation, as I had not a moment to lose. In my walk I was thinking on Isaiah xxxv. for the evening, and was revived by it, though not at peace, as when strong faith and repentance are vouchsafed to me. In the evening grew better by reading Psalm cxix, which generally brings me into a spiritual frame of mind.

2. Walked out this morning before breakfast, and the beauties of the opening spring constrained me to adoration and praise. But no earthly object or operation can produce true spirituality of heart. My present failing is in this, that I do not feel the power of motives. I have not the fear of God before my eyes in any degree as I ought, nor the fear of danger to my own soul. This night in prayer I was enabled to see my duty, and what is the holy, heavenly, lowly spirit I ought to maintain, but could not believe it was a matter of the last importance to strive after it. Yet I wish to walk closely with God. O let nothing turn away my thoughts from incessantly prosecuting this blessed work.

3. Leisure time employed about my sermon, to little purpose till I walked, when my thoughts seemed to flow freely. I received great comfort in being able to feel that the keeping my own heart was not only more necessary than writing sermons, but the best way to succeed in them.

4. The prospect of so much to be done before Sunday, would have overwhelmed my spirits at most times, but God seems to have strengthened my faith this day. I trusted in him, and was not confounded, and now will I bless him. "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee." I took my paper and ink into the garden, looking up to God for assistance, and wrote freely for two hours, I find all the difference in writing out of doors, with quiet and pleasing objects before my eyes, and within, where I can do nothing without closing my eyes upon the things before me. If I could be always alone with God, entirely indifferent about the opinions of men, but anxious only to deliver my message from him, and waiting for the fruits of it, I should reach a state to which I aspire, but have not attained.

8. As soon as my eyes open in the morning upon this world, mere earthly thoughts fill my mind instantly. It is only after prayer that I can have my mind fastened upon spiritual things. Then my desires are so strong, frequently to guard against the entrance of earthly thoughts, that I can use those words with truth, Claudimini, oculi mei, claudimini. To maintain a spiritual frame of mind, is now the subject of all my petitions, but all my endeavours seem to have as little effect as a few slight touches to a man sleeping, who just half opens his eyes, and is then asleep again. Or it is like pushing an immense weight up a hill; if you relax your efforts, the weight stops, and more than stops. Alas! how far must the heart be departed from God by nature, that it requires such incessant labour to keep it with him, even when the reason approves, and the will embraces him. Read some of 'Flavel's Saint Indeed,' which seemed the very book that was suitable to my present views.

9. After breakfast, my spirits being a little refreshed, I drew near to God in prayer, and rejoiced that I was in his hands, and that he would order all things for my good. During my walk, I was led to think a good while on my deficiency in human learning, and on my having neglected those branches which would have been pleasing and honourable in the acquisition. Yet I said, though with somewhat of melancholy, "What things were gain to me those I counted loss for Christ." Though I become less esteemed by man, I cannot but think, [though it is not easy to do so,] that it must be more acceptable to God to labour for souls, though the mind remains uninformed; and consequently, that it must be more truly great and noble, than to be great and notable among men for learning. In the garden afterwards, I rejoiced exceedingly at the prospect of a death fast approaching, when my powers of understanding would be enlarged inconceivably. They all talked to me in praise of my sermon on Sunday night, but praise is exceedingly unpleasant to me, because I am slow to render back to God that glory which belongs to him alone. Sometimes it may be useful in encouraging me when I want encouragement, but that at present is not the case, and in truth, praise generally produces pride, and pride presently sets me far from God.

10. My spirit groans within me at the unprofitableness of my time, so much of which passes every day unsatisfactorily, generally through necessity, but sometimes through my own carelessness. Indeed if I were careful to live in the spirit of watchfulness and prayer at all times, I should be able to improve the odd half hours. From something I read in Flavel, I was convinced of the injury we do to ourselves, by coming to God without due meditation; but this, instead of inducing me to stir up my soul to a right frame, somehow made me less anxious. At length I had an hour to myself in my room, and I desired to make it turn to the very best account. I read Hopkins and the Greek Testament, and prepared myself in a degree to meet the Lord. But in it I was not properly engaged, from not seeing long time enough before me. My soul groans after perfect holiness, though my flesh is slow to follow the way to attain it.

11. B. breakfasted with me, but for want of sufficient morning prayer, I was not careful to improve the conversation. My time being now so short, I determined to give all the rest of the day to acts of devotion, without going into hall to dinner. So I retired to the garden, and first read "Flavel's Saint Indeed," and one of the Epistles, and then endeavoured to order my thoughts. How dark, confused, and wandering were they. I asked myself about what I was come to consider. I first assured myself upon grounds which I thought good, that I was building upon the right foundation, and then found that my true business was to get my heart, which has long been destitute of clear views of God, to become more spiritual. In prayer I continued some time with earnestness, and devoted myself to the service of my Lord with greater solemnity,

12. Rose from morning prayer with my soul breathing after holiness. I hoped that this day I should keep my heart with all diligence--found my spirit right, happy in God, and full of hope. Read some of Milner's Church History, and of Flavel's Saint Indeed, with great blessing. In the afternoon was at a party at--'s, with a party of men very familiar, as long known, though irreligious. What an unprofitable time it was, and that through my fault partly, and much do I fear I said many things in a way of wit to provoke or offend one of them there. Oh my soul, this is a fearful sin. How different was my conduct from the tender, pitying, humble, and serious deportment of a true child of God. Towards night, my heart declined in spirituality through want of reading scripture and prayer. But, oh that I might now truly begin to live with God, and to God.

13. I was watchful this morning against earthly thoughts, and God sent a blessing to my spirit. I enjoyed every thing, and rejoiced that I should daily grow more watchful, with every thought brought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. This happy and holy frame continued during my morning service, and during my ride to Lolworth, though it was harder to preserve yet the taste of the sweetness of it made me strive to keep God in sight by prayer. Preached on Heb. iii. 12. By altering the style of the written sermon, as I went along, it was delivered, I think, with plainness and earnestness. Read the evening service at Trinity church with unusual fervour; but with many vain self-exalting thoughts at so doing.

15. In morning prayer, I pleaded again and again that I might be heedful to my spirit during the day; that I might walk alone with God; that I might prepare myself for the evening, not with the detestable anxiety of approving myself unto men, but with the sole wish of doing the will of God.

16. In my walk I was at first greatly distressed, and appeared quite shut out from the divine presence. But I soon after beginning to learn some of Psalm cxix. and r repeating our Lord's farewell sermon in St. John, my peace returned. Thus the word of God is always my comfort. In prayer, I seemed to abjure all sin, I and the very approach to it, from the bottom of my heart. Read the second epistle to the Corinthians, with a special blessing. What mean dark views have I of the glorious ministrations of the Spirit. And if the work of the ministry be so awful, how can such a worm as I be faithful in it without earnest prayer and help from God. If Paul was such as we are in afflictions, distresses (and O how far off from any thing like this do I find myself) yet I ask myself, why am I not holy and heavenly-minded as Paul?

17. Rose early, with my spirit far from God, but I was brought to a humble, serious frame by prayer. Let it teach me to be constant and persevering in it.

18. The sciatica prevented me from sleeping much in the night, and I rose in exceeding pain of body. But I enjoyed blessed peace of mind, as I did also last night in prayer. It is the Lord, I trust, who kept me in perfect peace.

20. (Sunday.) Enjoyed this morning, as also last night, great blessedness in prayer. When I walked in the garden, the sight of the beautiful objects in it made God still appear to be very near. In the afternoon heard Mr. Lloyd preach with great clearness and power on the internal illumination of the Holy Spirit. During the anthem there, I seemed to have a foretaste of heaven, and could have wished to die, or to live always in that frame in which I found myself. Preached at Trinity this evening on Eph. iv. 30. Went home afterwards, and succeeded in keeping down all self-exalting thoughts, and to have my mind not taken up with thinking about what I had been just doing, but alone with God.

21. I awoke with a mind disposed to pray and praise, according to my prayer of yesterday, but by not immediately rising, my vain heart wandered from God again. O how do I waste and trifle with the precious gifts of God; yet in prayer "he restored" my soul again, and caused me to long earnestly for the continual walk of faith. Breakfasted with some friends, when the detestable spirit of pride, against which I had prayed, and which I foresaw would be working, molested me grievously. I considered myself as somebody, and that I must speak as an oracle on religion; however I said little to the purpose. In the evening read Daniel, and should have had my soul filled with awful thoughts, had I not borne in mind that I should read it on Wednesday night at the room. O what a snare are public ministrations to me! Not that I wish for the praise of men, but there is some fear and anxiety about not getting through. How happy could I be in meeting the people of my God more frequently, were it not for this fear of being unprofitable. But since God has given me natural gifts, let this teach me that all I want is a spiritual frame, to improve and employ them in the things of God.

22. Rose fearful, but I resolved again in the strength of God to struggle hard this day. Wasted a great deal of the morning in finding out a text for the fast-day. My mind was beginning to sink into discontent at my unprofitableness, but by reading some of Psalm cxix. And prayer, I recovered. I find my best preservative is to ask myself, Is my present temper, train of thoughts, &c. heavenly? then I strive to conform myself to the frame I should have, and the manner of speaking I should use, if my heart were filled with divine love.

It is amazing to me to reflect that I should have such a desire to die to the world, and to think of invisible things, as I believe I have, and yet find not only so much of sin, but also so much of levity in my spirit. The tide of animal spirits is so strong, that in the most sacred employment it intrudes and terrifies me. Yet in these two last days I have made progress, and blessed be God for it.

23. I was able to maintain the same watchful spirit this morning. At church my soul was assaulted grievously by wanderings of the eyes and heart, but the recollection of my late fellowship with God, helped to deliver me from those temptations. Sin is indeed inwrought into my nature; notwithstanding the greater "degree of care over my spirit I have exerted, yet the least occasion is enough to cause the outbreakings of corruption. In my walk, enjoyed a clear and tranquil frame, and much of the presence of God, though the commendation of my sermon I yesterday received, too frequently recurred as a favourite meditation. After dinner, alas! entirely indisposed to every duty, but I was much stirred up by prayer over Rev. iii. 4

24. Many of my waking thoughts were employed on the subject of keeping near to God.

25. (Fast-day.) Preached on Hosea vi. 1. At --'s could not succeed in making the conversation profitable, though I tried repeatedly. On coming away, I was beginning to be cast down at the thought of it, but I appealed to God, that I wished to improve the time in company better, and that it was all this time a grief to me, that the conversation was not more suitable to the day. Riding home, my heart was not fixed or rejoicing, except once at the reflection of having given up the things of the world, and having nothing of any kind to engage my thoughts here, but to become holy, and be the means of salvation to sinners. I could bless him also for giving me light and power to make so happy a choice.

26. My prayer this morning for a meek and holy sobriety was answered. O how sweet is the dawn of heaven. Read Juvenal for the examination, and my heart was soon departing from God, and leading me into dislike of his service. But by some well-timed checks it returned. Upon the whole, this has been the best week I have ever passed, for faith has been more in exercise. Yet I have little sense of communications from God.

27. (Sunday.) Rose at a quarter before five, and continued above an hour in prayer in great deadness till towards the end, when I could have gone on with delight if my strength had permitted. Walked in the garden with my heart continually wavering, sometimes reposing in full confidence on God, at other times made miserable by fears. My mind seemed fatigued all this day, incapable of enjoyment, though it approved supremely the things that are excellent. At times I felt myself hurried to thoughtless levity, but I cried to God for help. Indeed I was severely tried the whole day within and without. Preached at Lolworth, on Eph. iv. 30. but it seemed to tire them. Rode home quite disheartened * * * but I hastened to lift up my heart in prayer for fear of feeling any improper emotion.--told me after church of many faults in reading and preaching. Though I felt really rejoiced at his kindness, yet the discovery of any thing that made me contemptible to others, with the other proofs of desperate pride that I remembered this day, galled and grieved me; but at night I cried very earnestly that God would make me utterly despicable, and do any thing to destroy the accursed sin of my heart.

28. Oh that my soul could maintain but for one day the divine sweetness attending the exercise of humility and love! H. and S. breakfasted with me. I strove to keep my heart and my tongue as it were with a bridle. My thoughts were miserably wandering in my walk, through neglect of improving the time of reading and prayer.

Received a letter containing some unpleasant charges from one of our people; its first effect was to drive me nearer to God, and so give me peace.

29. Mr. K. White of Nottingham breakfasted with me. In my walk was greatly cast down, except for a short time on my return, when as I was singing or rather chanting some petitions in a low plaintive voice, I insensibly found myself sweetly engaged in prayer.

30. In prayer my heart was in my mouth, and greatly elevated in spirits, which I endeavoured to repress. During the rest of the morning I was assaulted by strong temptations, but some few ejaculations raised me above these sins and made me loathe them. Some evil reports concerning me have got abroad, and no hypothesis whatever will account for my conduct. I can only say that all that I did was from pure charity, and very painful to my own feelings, and so God knoweth. May he defend the honour of his minister, and enable me still to speak with all boldness.

31. In prayer I was so clearly enlightened with the knowledge of what I ought to be, and so longed to maintain in perfection a holy, humble, serious, devout spirit, that I thought I should have at least some strong desires all the day, but after pupil and reading Juvenal, I was unwilling either to pray or read the Bible. But through mercy I was soon restored, and walked out in the happy enjoyment of God's presence. Called and found C--, so meek and humble that I felt quite happy with him, and staid with him an hour, opening the truths of the precious Gospel with great comfort to him, as I afterwards learnt. Supped with B--, in company with seven other clergymen, all conscientious. I wished much to say something to a good purpose, but had no opportunity, yet I reasonably blamed myself afterwards, for not striving more, and for not having that spirituality of mind which, might have found opportunities when there were otherwise none. Once when I reflected how godly our conversation ought to he, how high our adoration and acknowledgment of the divine presence, and contrasted it with our conduct, I perceived we were fallen creatures.

June 1. Engaged all day long in hall. In the intervals I endeavoured to seek after God with various success. In hall I had occasion enough to check the risings of a vain conceited spirit.

2. In hall during the morning. Walked before dinner with B--, but I wanted to be alone. The conversation was about religion, but only about it. Soon after dinner I was somewhat shocked at considering how composedly I could go on so long without prayer, and not think of returning to it. I went to my room and prayed in seriousness, and found my spirit improved. Continued at Locke till half-past eleven, and then found myself all the worse for this sort of life, employed neither in divine thoughts nor works of charity. I think it almost impossible I could ever have been faithful to Christ in any other calling, my mind is so easily led away by the least earthly study. How dull, how slow in apprehending objects of faith, so that they should have a living power upon me!

3. At breakfast, from the circumstance of my cough, the conversation turned upon death and our preparation for it. I felt myself able to look forward to it with comfort. Preached at St. Giles, on John vii. 19. in weakness both of body and mind. After dinner I prayed with comfort, though for too short a time, and preached at the same church, on the parable of the lost sheep, with more animation both of mind and outward gesture than I have ever manifested. Called upon C--after church, and had some conversation with him to my great comfort. In private prayer at night I drew near the Lord and was particularly affected at the belief of --'s danger. Oh may he at last hear my prayers for her.

4. In hall during the morning. The utmost attention to mental employment does not prevent the intrusion of vain and sinful thoughts; why then should it of religious thoughts? By many seasonable checks I turned away my thoughts from a light unholy spirit, and directed it to use the posture as it were of humility and love. During my walk I learnt the latter part of 2 Tim. and Titus, with great conviction of the awful charge of the ministry. Some men complain that the wheels of their bodily machine run too slow for the soul, and so may I say in many things; but I may also add with equal truth, that the wheels of my body often run too fast for the soul, so that often when the soul is longing to compose itself to the exercise of a calm and sober temper, the animal spirits hurry it away in clear contradiction to the will.

5. Enjoyed considerable peace this morning. Several marks of the contempt of men, at different times of the day, affected me but little. In my walk, found my mind very readily brought into somewhat of a temper of tenderness and sobriety, though not a clear sense of the divine presence. At night, read the six last Psalms, with some suitableness of spirit.

6. Was very irregular in prayer this morning, my heart seemed disposed to praise, but I am always easily deceived by frames of joy. But I have through grace, acquired more discernment, or at least have learnt by my own feelings what frame is not right. I have often had a great deal of joy without peace, it was not pure; my natural temper is a long way distant from that calm sobriety of soul, where self is altogether abased and forgotten, and God and his glory are the only subject and object of the thoughts. By repeated enjoyment of this blessed temper, I trust that through the Spirit it will become habitual. White came in, and continued with me at tea, and in a walk till past nine. In the interval of a few minutes of his absence, I prayed for myself, and particularly for him, that I might be able to lay before him, motives for a more entire resignation of himself; but the conversation afterwards, whether through my fault or not I cannot say, but certainly against my will, was upon something else. Read Ezek. iii. and xxxiii. with awful convictions of the importance of the ministry.

7. Breakfasted with--who said many strong things against my sermons which pained my mind not a little all the day. In a short walk in the evening, my heart ascended to God, and I recovered considerable peace. Passed the rest of the evening at Mr. Simeon's with--he contrived to say many things to us both for our good; to me, by making some remarks on a person, who, he said, lashed the subjects of censure in his sermons with undue severity, forgetting that he himself was equally weak; his remarks, he said, were too broad and without a due mixture of light and shade, and seemed to manifest a lamentable ignorance of his own heart.

8. The whole of this morning in settling the classes; it was a joyful thing to throw off immediately afterwards all the earthly thoughts that had come upon me,--was much disturbed this evening by employing myself about something which excluded the Bible for a time, though I felt that I ought to be reading that. How easy is it, and yet how awful, to grieve the Holy Spirit of God.

9. This morning H. breakfasted with me, and left Cambridge finally. After he was gone I sat an hour in melancholy reflection on the transitory nature of earthly things, and should have continued longer, had my thoughts been fixed steadily on the subject. In my walk, my mind was wandering, but I fled instantly to God, and prayed for purification and strength. Supped at D's. and our evening passed in a happy spiritual manner. D. read some interesting parts of Mr. Wesley's Journal among the Americans, and we discoursed also upon the character of Mr. Fletcher. I felt animated for a time to be such an one, and what was it but slothfulness, and unbelief, and self-indulgence, that suffer these desires to decline, or that keep me from attaining their heights of holiness?

10. (Sunday.) Felt rather cast down in the service, from fear that my manner was offensive to the people. On my ride to Lolworth, my mind was rather dark, and terrified, and absent from God, yet I succeeded at times in encouraging myself with the assurance, that if but one word of scripture suited me, it was sufficient for me to rest upon. At church, when the first psalm was sung before the sermon, I found my heart rivetted in the most enrapturing sweetness, while it silently professed to God its desires of holiness. How vain, how contemptible, did every sensual joy appear at the moment. During my walk home from church, though it was but a few minutes, my pride and vanity found employment. But though unconscious of any thing practically wrong at the time, when I came home I began to be provoked at myself for thus destroying my own happiness, and grieving the Holy Spirit. Directly after, having occasion to go across the court, the same detestable passions led me into a series of thoughts which had continued for some time before I was aware of it. These are sad proofs of the desperate wickedness of the heart. "Oh wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from the body of this death! "These words just express my feelings. I am thankful that God has not given me anyone talent more than he has, for, humanly speaking, they would endanger my soul. Now, would to God I were quite dead to the world. It will be heaven indeed to me, when self is entirely lost. I had rather be a slave to another in a case where I could be purely disinterested, than submit to this most loathsome vassalage to my ownself.

11. After my morning prayer, my heart enjoyed a calm and blessed temper, but it gradually declined by my forgetting to watch over myself in conversation with others. Rode with Mr. Simeon to Shelford, he was talking chiefly of my going to India. As I am wanted in several places immediately, he had no doubt but I should go early in the spring. The rest of the day at Shelford, my mind was at peace, though for want of retirement I enjoyed no sensible communion with God. In reading at night Levit. x. and Brown's Reflections, I was deeply affected, and had many momentary glances of holy thoughts and resolutions, but my mind had been so taken up with earthly objects this day, that I had no power to fix them on heavenly things. Oh, how is it possible that a sinner liable to be hurried in a moment to the tribunal of God could ever walk so carelessly!

12. I was grieved to find that all the exertions of prayer were necessary against worldly mindedness, so soon had the prospect of the means of competent support in India filled my heart with concern about earthly happiness, marriage, &c. but I strove earnestly against them, and prayed for grace that if it should please God to try my faith by calling me to a post of opulence, I might not dare to use for myself what is truly his: as also, that I might be enabled to keep myself single for serving him more effectually. Nevertheless, this change in my circumstances so troubled me, that I could have been infinitely better pleased to have gone out as a missionary, poor as the Lord and his apostles. I had a long conversation with Mr.--, in which he seemed at first to complain rather severely, that I said nothing for the comfort of the saints, told me that I knew nothing as yet of my own heart, and many other things to the same purpose, with proper modesty, but clearly enough for me to perceive his drift. I left him rather humbled, conscious of my shallowness; my mind estranged from divine things through long discontinuance of private prayer. I had promised to walk with--, which was perfectly hateful to me at this time, when I had such need of being alone with God. I have declined so sensibly these last two or three days, that I design to devote to-morrow to fasting and prayer, and may it please God to make it the means of quickening me again. My heart already rejoices at the prospect of the increase of spirituality. Read two or three first chapters of Jeremiah at night, with some impressions.

13. Before breakfast I continued about an hour and a half in a prayer of humiliation. The rest of the day after church, was passed in reading and prayer, and latterly in writing a sermon for next Sunday. My heart was engaged sweetly but at one time, and that was in the work of intercession. Walked out in the evening in great tranquillity, and on my return met with Mr. C--, with whom I was obliged to walk an hour longer. He thought it a most improper step for me to leave the University to preach to the ignorant heathen, which any person could do, and that I ought rather to improve the opportunity of acquiring human learning. All our conversation on the subject of earning, religion, &c. ended in nothing, he was convinced he was right, and all the texts of Scripture I produced, were applicable, according to him, only to the times of the apostles. How is my soul constrained to adore the sovereign mercy of God, who began his work in my proud heart, and carried it on through snares which have ruined thousands, namely, human learning and honours: and now, my soul, dost thou not esteem all things but dung and dross, compared with the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord. Yea, did not gratitude constrain me, did not duty and fear of destruction, yet surely the excellency of the service of Christ would constrain me to lay down ten thousand lives in the prosecution of it. My heart was a little discomposed this evening at the account of the late magnificent prizes proposed by Mr. Buchanan and others, in the University, for which Mr. C. has been calling me to write; but I was soon at rest again. But how easily do I forget that God is no respecter of persons; that in the midst of the notice I attract as an enthusiast, he judges of me according to my inward state. Oh! my soul, take no pleasure in outward religion, nor in exciting wonder, but in the true circumcision of the heart.

14. Called out directly after breakfast, and then great part of the morning was lost about nothing. On my return I was verging to discontent and unwillingness to write a sermon, but changed to a most admiring and elevated joy at the thought of being a minister of the most high God, called to proclaim the dignity and excellence of Jesus Christ.

15. Prayed that the pressure of ministerial concerns might not disturb my mind during the day.

16. Maintained a right spirit of peace and love through the early part of the morning.--told me of many contemptuous insulting things that had been said of me, reflecting, some on my understanding, some on my condition, sincerity, inconsistent conduct. It was a great trial of my patience, and I was frequently tempted in the course of the evening, to let my natural spirit rage forth in indignation and revenge, but I remembered him of whom it was said, "Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again, but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously." As I was conscious I did not deserve the censures which were passed upon me, I committed myself to God, and in him may I abide until the indignation be overpast! My soul, alas, needs these uneasinesses in outward things, to be driven to take refuge in God.

17. (Sunday.) At church, in the service enjoyed much peace. Preached on 1 Tim. i. 15, to a full congregation. I hope some were affected, though, when I reflect upon the indifference of my heart, I have need to fear, lest no soul should ever be given to me. Drank tea at Mr.--'s, in order to have an opportunity of expressing my sense of the misconduct of--, staying with him, who had been the means of spreading the reports about me. After tea I spoke of this, though fearful of being in perturbation, as it was before the whole family, but I put myself into the hands of God, who truly enabled me to preserve what I most wished, an unshaken composure of mind. I went away very thankful to God, who had given me the means of satisfying all those who heard me. Afterwards, till the evening sermon, I was thinking far too much of this business and other earthly things, but Mr. Simeon's sermon on Jeremiah xxxi. 8, 9, restored me a little, and made me desire to be alone with God. In prayer at night I seemed to be awakened from a long sleep; alas, I have had a name to live, and have been dead. Not having stirred up myself to take hold of God, I have become unconscious of the burden of corruption, and the consequence is, that pride has spread over my whole heart, and swallowed up my whole spirit. "When I began to perceive it through mercy this evening, and attempted to be humbled before God, I found it utterly impossible. I could only say before him, that I had no power of myself to think a good thought, and so I found it then. Every desire after grace, and help, and strength against corruption, was itself full of corruption. One thing was particularly offensive to me. How experimental a Christian, thought I, shall I be in my sermons, when I come to describe the feelings and workings of my mind this evening. Wretched, wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from this never-ceasing self-complacency, this accursed pride. O may the spirit always make me groan under this burden, and bring to my first remembrance in the morning the corruption of my heart, and teach me the way of obtaining suitable humiliation.

18. In my walk, for the most part I was very unhappy. I was willing to take my heart into exercise, and begin a thorough work of humiliation and conviction, but it appeared closed up on all sides, every avenue to it seemed to be hid in darkness and confusion. However, before I returned home, I found peace returning, upon the consideration, that my duty was to be diligent in secret exercises, and God himself would teach me. In the afternoon read ' Tennant's India,' and foresaw that my future life in that country would be outwardly odious to the last degree. But in the face of every difficulty I could truly say, "None of these things move me." The rest of the evening passed rather unprofitably, by my looking at several chapters for exposition, without settling: yet my mind seemed to be blest from above; I passed an hour in prayer at one time with much delight, especially in the work of intercession.

19. Rode to Shelford to dinner; on the road at first I was far from God, but my heart revived afterwards, so that I found him my chief joy, and depended on him for making me walk becomingly.

Supped at B--'s in the evening, and notwithstanding a serious prayer beforehand, I was unwatchful, and too much conformed to the world. I know not how to conduct myself well in such cases.

21. In my walk, my mind was not at peace. Alas, my faith fails every day. I cannot trust God for strengthening me and guiding me. Went in the afternoon with some degree of affection and zeal to Wall's Lane. Sat an hour with two old women, both above fourscore, and talked to little effect apparently. Had some comfort in prayer afterwards at home, and received B--in a serious frame. How encouraging is it to further exertion, that the Lord sends a blessing to the least degree of diligence. At church Mr. Simeon preached on John iv. 34. "My meat is to do the will of him that sent me, and to finish his work." The text struck me exceedingly, and so did his first division, which showed our Lord's fervent affection, unwearied diligence, and undaunted resolution in doing his work. My soul was stirred up within me to follow his steps, and to devote myself thus entirely to his service, as I did not believe I had ever truly done. I almost trembled to promise or vow before God, that I would be his for ever, yet I gave up myself in prayer to be his servant, and the follower of Jesus Christ. My desires are at present very strong for a conformity to Christ, not so much from a sense of the beauty of holiness, as from the hope of glory and esteem of the superlative excellency of such a life. Yet my heart sinks within me at the prospect of the terrible opposition I shall have to encounter from the world, from the flesh, and from the Devil; from the two former especially. Oh God, do thou strengthen me, that my faith fail not, that I may not be discouraged till I have said, "It is finished."

22. Retained all this day the impression of yesterday, and considered myself as bound by promise and by the convictions of yesterday, to be as one wholly devoted to God.

Passed the rest of the morning chiefly in the summer house, hoping by meditation and prayer to have my mind made spiritual, and prepared for usefulness in the ministry, but gained little access to God from being much under the influence of a self-dependent spirit. Yet I continued in supplication, in the assurance that in his good time I should find a blessing. Rode in the afternoon to Boxworth, and on the road was rather about to be with God than with him.

23. A little before prayer at noon I was trifling, and in the exercise found myself praying in unbelief, with no sense of God's majesty, nor any awful sense of offending him. In some alarm I cried for help and mercy, and in great pain and difficulty stirred up my heart to make a few petitions in earnest. One section of Psalm cxix, I found very suitable. I was grieved at my waste of time, and want of communion with God, and general unprofitableness; but found a humbling effect produced by the inquiry into my own mind. Teach me, O Lord, the way of thy statutes, and I shall keep it unto the end. May I walk humbly through life, the faithful servant and minister of Christ.

24. I was rather watchful during the morning, and at times during the service, had a joyful sense of the divine presence; but as it was chiefly during the hymns, I think these affections suspicious. Let me feel the same sweet heart-burning emotions in the midst of a desert, and I shall then attribute them to the Spirit. Several marks of love and esteem shown me by persons I respect, raised my animal spirits to a great height, while in the mean time my heart was proportionably grieved. Oh how far preferable is one taste of the sweet frame of love to all this crackling of thorns under a pot. I desire something of which I have but a distant glimmering, often disapproving of a life of true piety: when shall I live forgetful of the world, with all my thoughts, motives, pleasures, &c. centering in God?

25. Was still anxious after deadness to the world, and love to God, both for the sake of my own comfort, and that I might be better qualified to go through the service. So many base and bye ends are there even in my desires after holiness. Went to--to tea, where I hoped to be as one belonging to another world, but self-seeking and pride showed too plainly that I belonged to this. Took the last chapter of Daniel, and had too great freedom of speech for my seriousness and peace. I not only was vain, but what is more, I think that I showed my vanity. Wandered into the walks in great dejection, when I met with that man of God, Mr. Lloyd. He presently began on the subject of pride, and other evils, indwelling in our corrupted hearts, on all which I could talk justly from experience, and was of course pleased with my own penetration, and with being able to converse with so confirmed a Christian; but knowing is nothing; "to will is present with me, but how to perform that which is good I find not." I know how, but I find not. Let me but ply heart-work in secret, let me but walk alone in communion with God, and I shall surely be able to offer him sacrifices more pure, though from the experience of others I am taught to expect never to be able to escape from corruption, till I leave the body; my only fear is, lest I should rest satisfied with having discovered my own corruption, without labouring to overcome it. But God who has sent me light to see these things, will quicken the paralyzed powers of my soul, and help me to throw off the poison of my heart.

26. Heard enough of the business of--to make me sick of the world. Oh, what a relief it is to my burdened soul, to depart in spirit from this scene of vanity and error, to repose with God. Rose extremely careless of my thoughts, but in prayer had the same desires as for the last three or four days. In my walk enjoyed great peacefulness. I am far more satisfied than I ever was, now that I see the corruption of my heart more, and the provision made for its renovation by the Spirit, in the great plan of Christ's redemption. "The law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus, hath made me free," &c. and the whole of the first part of Rom. viii. appeared to me to refer to sanctification. After dinner was at H--'s with a party, but repented afterwards, as it was time lost, no opportunity offering to speak for their good. Went to the hospital, and read John iv, and at seven to the society of young men, and expounded the same chapter as last night, but with great dulness I suppose, for one of them was set fast asleep. This little event had a blessed effect on my spirit in prayer, as my heart was humbled by it. * * Any little marks of the contempt of men are the most wholesome diet I can use. The praises of men do not puff me up proportionably, because I am used to them; but to be despised of men is not a customary thing with me, and affects me very deeply. My pride is sensibly wounded, and I think less of myself. What may be the design of God in thus lowering me in the opinion of those who hear me, and so apparently diminishing my usefulness in the ministry, I am at a loss to conceive. Perhaps he is teaching me the horrible nature of the least sin, or is weaning my heart from finding my comfort in any thing but him, since even his own people are turned against me; or is preparing my faith for future trials, or is teaching me prudence, that I may learn by bitter experience, how to behave myself in the Church of God; or perhaps all these. If it be for sin, my heart shall acknowledge that it is a slight chastisement compared with the just punishment of it. If it be to teach me better things I will bless the Lord. But enough of worldly things. "O that I had wings like a dove! for then would I flee away and be at rest. Lo then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest." Thus my imagination takes to itself wings, and flies to some 'wilderness where I may hold converse in solitude with God. 'The world forgetting by the world forgot.' Read and prayed with my bed-maker at night.

27. Was interrupted and distracted in prayer this morning. A funeral and calls of friends took up my time till eleven, afterwards read Persian, and made some calculations in Trigonometry, in order to be familiar with the use of Logarithms. But my mind by giddy levity with a friend was grieved and injured. Yet it pleased the Lord to restore me, and lead me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Dined at Mr. Simeon's, and then I went to the hospital, and in going remembered how frequently my treacherous heart had been wandering after vanity. I went afterwards with a party to an inspection of soldiers, but soon retired realty grieved that my poor fellow-creatures, who were there in such numbers, sought their happiness in such miserable vanities. O how do they contrive to live without God. I retired into the fields to regain reflection, and could say I came not hither by constraint but choice. O what would have been the misery of my mind by this time had I not known God! Even in much earlier youth, when far more was to be expected from the world, I looked round in distress, saying, Who will show me any good? I should now probably have been living in the full indulgence of carnal lusts, and be labouring after the largest possible acquisition of human glory either in military life, though my frame be feeble, or by learning. Consequently I should now be tortured by remorse and guilt, and my temper would be bitter to furiousness by disappointment and envy. As I have this day been constrained to adore the mercy of God who hath saved me from recent snares, so will I now praise him for having turned me from a life of woe to the enjoyment of peace and hope. The work is real. I can no more doubt it than 1 can my own existence. The whole current of my desires is altered, I am walking quite another way, though I am incessantly stumbling in that way, yet the lusts of the flesh, the lusts of the eyes, and the pride of life, engage more of my thoughts than I should conceive possible in one who really finds happiness only in that proportion as he sees himself a stranger and a pilgrim on the earth.

28. Was interrupted in prayer this morning in consequence of rising late. Read at the hospital after dinner, 1 Pet. iv. and was about a sermon till church time, many of my dear brethren in the ministry were there. During service I felt great fear at times, though I said to myself, what means this anxiety? Am I not ashamed to speak in the presence of Jehovah, and shall I be confounded before a few poor mortals? In the pulpit I was free from all fear, and delivered my sermon on the blessed subject, 1 Tim. i. 15. with animation and ease, and with more inward delight than I ever before felt in the pulpit. But there was a great deal of pride and vanity in my heart all the rest of the evening. After supper called and spoke to poor S--for some time, but in vain.

29. Alas! my soul is becoming dead again, though it hath a name to live; so short, so distant am I in prayer. In the morning I thought I had obtained the possession of a heavenly temper, but very soon an occasion, the slightest possible, shewed me that I was proud, impatient, and peevish. The morning was taken up by walking with others, by which I was left empty and unhappy. At dinner I lifted up my heart with some success, and in prayer in my rooms afterwards. Went to the hospital with a good look out after my own heart, lest it should rove in pursuit of earthly concerns. Read to them Isaiah Iv. and conversed afterwards with them in their respective wards. D--continued with me all the evening, so that not a single thing has been done this day in private. Read at night the three first chapters of the Revelations, and found them as usual very searching and awful. Prayed at night with fervor.

30. Some friends breakfasted with me this morning, and I hoped by my prayer beforehand that I should have been able in my conversation to stir them up, but I failed, partly through their fault, but chiefly through my own. How little heavenly-mindedness is there amongst us r-------teased and troubled my mind, but I felt confidence in the evidence of God. After dinner found my mind serious and earnest over 1 Thess. Read in the hospital Matt. vii. I rode to Lolworth and sought to be cheerful, sometimes from the prospect of going home, sometimes from the consideration of all the subjects of hope. But finding these unable to cheer me, I inquired what was my real good? the answer I ought to make is 'the enjoyment of God,' but not being able to conceive this at the time, I rather supposed that the perfection of our natures in holiness was the chief blessing. Remembering the blessed peace I had often enjoyed in humiliation and love, my mind brightened again with these holy tempers, and foresaw fulness of bliss in the blessed exercise of them among the creatures of God to all eternity. Found the poor man at Lolworth near death. I continued two hours without affecting him. When I asked him if I should pray with him, 'If I liked it,' he said. I then inquired why he was not earnest that I should. He said he did not know that it would do him much good. I expostulated with him, and went to prayer, after which he seemed melted. I rode home in somewhat of peace, though pride was at work.

July 1. (Sunday.) Walked a little before morning prayer, and found by my wanderings and discontent in how great a degree prayer had effected that sweet enjoyment of divine things I have often felt in passing through the walks just after its exercise. But afterwards I had a most blessed view of God and divine things. O how great is his excellency! I found my heart at times pained for want of words to praise him according to his excellent greatness. Looking forward to complete conformity to him as my great end of existence, my assurance was full. I said almost with tears, "who shall separate me from the love of Christ? Shall tribulations," &c. HIS power being supreme delivered me from every fear. At church enjoyed some deadness to the world, but at the receiving of the sacrament my heart was hard and insensible. I knew not what to do. I seemed to have a heart of adamant, and full of pride and earthly thoughts. * * * * * * * * * * Heard Dr P--preach for two hours; his profusion of Greek and Latin quotations excited my mirth, when his unprofitableness ought to have raised very different emotions in me. After church at night walked in the Fellows' garden with four friends; our conversation was tolerably spiritual, but my heart was swelling fast with pride and love of the world, and fear of losing the opinion of those who love and honour me. But I know my refuge. God is able to humble me, and to make me die to every thing but himself. In prayer at night God either shewed me myself or else Satan tempted me to his own sin, but my soul was filled with greater misery and horror than I ever yet experienced. I know not how to describe my feelings, nor how I got into them, but it was after metaphysical inquiries into the nature and end of my being, and in what consists the happiness of the soul. My thoughts were those of cool deliberate pride; there was no sudden repugnance to the divine will through the love of the flesh, but a sort of calm rejection of the authority of God, and of the necessity of humiliation before him. In the utmost agony of soul I sometimes hurried to the thoughts of my being a creature, sometimes to my having been saved through mercy from hell. I was afraid to leave off praying in this frame, lest I should sink down to dwell with the devil and his angels, whose spirit of rebellion I seemed precisely to have obtained. Went to bed commending my soul earnestly to Christ, and trusting that by to-morrow these distressing thoughts would have passed away.

2. But they returned to fill my soul with anguish; after an hour spent in prayer the Lord mercifully assisted me, and the sense of my danger and blasphemous impiety melted me into tears. I now hoped that in answer to my prayers, I should now and ever take my place among the most worthless of the creatures of God, and feel among my brethren, as one who was not worthy to be trodden under foot: but through the day, was unhappy from the real actings of unbelief. I was afraid, or suspected that the same atheistical thoughts were still in my head, and I dreaded to examine it; and I thought also that God's anger was kindled, and he was departing from me. On my return from my walk, read some of the Old Testament with the hope of seeing my own insignificance, and God's greatness and power: then prayed and put up some strong cries for help and faith, in which I was greatly encouraged by considering that there was no one else who would or could do me any good, but God, with whom I was alone. At King's chapel, my heart ascended in faith to God my Saviour, and I was inclined to have my heart drawn out in tenderness and love towards God and man. I confess that I know not the end of my being, nor wherein consists the happiness of the soul, and I tremble to inquire, lest my beclouded reason, &c. (Vide Memoir.)

3. My thoughts this morning were rather of a different kind, lest I should be carried away by the vanities of a public day. In the senate house, where I was created M. A. I was not in general forgetful of my soul, though I caught myself repeatedly in trains of vain thoughts; was empty and tired for want of being alone; attended a society where Mr. Simeon lectured on the words, 'a plant of renown;' towards the last, I found some returning admiration and affection for the Lord Jesus Christ, but the momentary sunshine was overcast materially by clouds of unbelief. The dreadful pride of my heart, as it was discovered to me on Sunday night, has made me almost desperate. I know not what to do, I am afraid of never coming to God or Christ with the humility of a creature. The only thing that revives my heart, is the thought of the possibility of becoming the meanest creature of God serving him: and I declare, that were all the glory my imagination could invent offered to me, with my present proud heart, I would not, I could not take it; nay, on the contrary, so miserable would it make me, by increasing my pride and rebellion against God, that rather than have it, I would prefer being blotted out of existence for ever. And this I say, not from any deep conviction of the propriety of such submission, but only from feeling what is my real happiness. And now I think I have stated my case. * * * * * * * * It is all in vain that I remember myself to be created out of the dust, that I know nothing of natural things, that I can neither do, say, or think any thing, except by his permission. Yet all are in vain to bring me down. I pray as usual, yet cursed unbelief and pride send me away without a blessing. Nevertheless, now for the shield of faith to quench these fiery darts of the devil. At present my desires after humiliation are intensely strong; I do not know why; but if this satanic spirit remain, the cloud may spread over these desires also, and then all is over. I therefore commend my soul to Christ; with great difficulty, forcing my way through the crowd of opposing enemies within, and I think also Satan without: it is the peculiar dreadfulness of these thoughts that they dishonour the Saviour, and deny his authority, and tear me away from my best and only friend. Yet they shall not, if Christ give me grace to stand firm. Be strong, my soul, why art thou afraid? This is the very time to shew the strength of faith. I will even, against hope, believe in hope.

4. To-day I would hope that the Lord hath heard my prayer, in delivering me from spiritual pride, for I have had no returns of it in the same distracting degree.
Walked to Shelford, where the time passed not without religious conversation, but my mind was carnal for want of reading and prayer.

5. Walked, with my mind in peace. In the afternoon I was employed in making calls, &c. By much converse with men, even on religious subjects, my thoughts are not refreshed from heaven. Last night in prayer, in recollection of my unprofitableness and waste of time, I found my soul drawn out in strong desires to live a life of entire devotedness and prayer; yet here is another day spent in like manner, nothing done, and my thoughts scattered. How I long to bury myself in the country.

6. Had my heart considerably affected in prayer this morning, and wrote a sermon with some diligence, as in the sense of divine presence. At noon found peace in my soul from I John iii. and iv. and in walking, though human feelings often intruded. After dinner, drew nigh the Lord in prayer, and wrote part of a sermon. The sudden appearance of evil thoughts made me very unhappy, but I found refuge in God. O may the Lord receive my wandering heart, though it is continually backsliding from him, and make me to find in himself, the source and centre of beauty, a sweet and satisfied delight, O what sublime, what rapturous views of God and divine things might I enjoy with a little more watchfulness. For a moment my mind seems about to be filled, and all its faculties absorbed, but the spirit passes on and I am lost in dulness.

7. Extremely dull and cold in prayer, through wandering of thought before, and interruption in it, as also very principally for want of scripture reading and meditation. Yet through humiliation on account of it, I passed the rest of the morning in the sense of God's presence, and with tolerable diligence. After supper, preparing for my departure. Read Acts xx. O that I may be, as I desire to be, dead to the world, and have my thoughts taken up with Christ and his service. How repeatedly has this blessed chapter made me feel the vanity of the world.

8. (Sunday.) Rose at an early hour, but had little power in prayer. I was watchful against wandering, but my heart was not engaged. Rode home from Lolworth in a great storm of rain. I had grand views of God, and felt no doubt but that I should be received, were I to be taken from this world; but I felt that my only hope was in Christ, for not one thought, word, or work of mine, was without sin. In the evening service, I enjoyed great delight in God at times, and a desire to be his. The most satisfying feeling at those times is the worthiness of God and Christ.

9. Set out on my journey in greater recollection of mind than ever heretofore; on the road the contemplation of myself shewed me the workings of vanity.

Called on Mr. Grant, who told me that in case M------ should accept the Missionary Church, there was no immediate opening for me, but he had little doubt there would be a chaplainship vacant before the close of the next spring season. The dejection in which Mr. Grant's answer left me, drew me nearer to God in prayer. My determination to go out, with God's direction, did not seem at all shaken by the difficulties I foresaw.

July 10. Breakfasted with S--, whose account of his approaching marriage with a lady of uncommon excellence, rather excited in me a desire after a similar state--but I strove against it.

Dined with Mr. Wilberforce at Palace Yard. It was very agreeable, as there was no one else. Speaking of the slave trade, I mentioned the words, "Shall I not visit for these things," and found my heart so affected that I could with difficulty refrain from tears. Went with Mr. W. to the House of Commons, where I was surprised and charmed with Mr. Pitt's eloquence. Ah, thought I, if these powers of oratory were now employed in recommending the. Gospel--but as it is, he talks with great seriousness and energy about that which is of no consequence at all. At night met with--, who had just received a Lieutenant's commission in the navy; he was in company with some other officers, and used the name of God in profane swearing. As he was relating an account I could not interrupt him to make my remarks, and I gave him no reprimand, except slightly towards the last, in consequence of which, at night, I found my conscience exceedingly grieved, and saw myself vile, as one who had denied Christ before men.

11. Left London for Bath. I was on the top of the coach, and the wind blew exceedingly cold, so that for the first fifty miles, I was in great pain from the cold. I was unable to turn away my mind from the complaints of the body, but continued peevish and discontented, except at one or two intervals, when I forced my thoughts away. Alas! these are the very occasions, when I should exercise myself, in living by faith. I was then most dreadfully assailed by evil thoughts, but at the very height, prayer availed, and I was delivered, and during the rest of the journey, enjoyed great peace, and a strong desire to live for Christ alone, forsaking the pleasures of the world, marriage, &c. There were on the coach, a purser of a man-of-war, and a gentleman's servant, to whom I found an opportunity of reading Luke xi.

12--19. Had no opportunity of getting at my journal-book. On the morning of the 12th left Bath for Exeter, and on 13th arrived at Plymouth. Continued 14th and 15th with my dear cousin T. H. On the 16th reached Truro, and went immediately to Lamorran. 18th walked to Truro, found some opportunity of speaking to a poor young woman, who had given up a profession of religion. 19th sat in a wood for two hours, thinking on Isaiah Iv. 1--3. on which I meant to preach. In the house afterwards, and in prayer, in which I engaged with a great conviction of my having back-slidden, I found my soul filled with seriousness and solemnity before God.

20. I found myself unable to introduce any conversation, as my heart was not close to God, nor touched with love to God. Walked to Lamorran, and at times had enjoyment of divine things.

21. Had a very interesting conversation with my dear--on the New Testament history and our Lord, during which I had an opportunity of telling her the most important things of the Gospel. In my walk to Truro was tempted to great pride, but my uneasiness under every access of glory to myself, makes me earnest in general, to give it to the Lord, to whom alone it belongs.

22. Rose late, but in prayer after breakfast, the Spirit seemed to breathe on my soul. I continued in prayer a good while, and my heart was enlarged. Went S to Truro church, where my own vain heart wandered. In the afternoon walked to Kenwyn, with--, who I rejoice to find has not forgot the religious impressions of his youth. I preached thereon I Tim. i. 15. to a congregation not large, but consisting of my acquaintance almost entirely, people who are in the habit of hearing truth. I heard the commendations of several, during the course of the evening, which gave me some uneasiness, by fanning the flame of vanity. Visited some sick people after tea, with one of whom my soul was much drawn out in prayer. But no outward duties leave me in a humble spiritual state of themselves, often a on the contrary they flurry me, and fill my heart with pride.

23. At night walked through the woods to--, in a sober and placid frame. Supped with the family and slept there. How wretched to be in a house where there is a general disregard to religion. Though I am a unworthy, through my carnal-mindedness, to be of the household of faith, and to be a fellow-citizen with the saints, yet it would be perfect misery to me to live with such people as I meet with, ignorant of God, and lovers of the world.

24. Breakfasted at Lamorran, and retired for s two or three hours, to write a sermon for next Sunday. S--walked a little way with me towards Truro. I told her gently of her not adorning the doctrine of God, by a cheerful and contented temper. She was in tears at the thought of her inward corruption as she said. I went on my way fearful I had not been tender enough in my behaviour or my thoughts. Dined at--'s. Conversation as usual utterly insipid. That something might be said, I conformed too much in levity to the rest. I find it far more difficult to preserve a devout and serious frame amongst my friends here, among whom I have always hitherto appeared a gay young man, than in Cambridge. I fear there is a very great deal of dissimulation in my profession.

25. After dinner there was a meeting between -- and ---- behaved in a most furious unreasonable manner, which so affected me, that though I looked up continually for help, I could scarcely speak.

28. Rode to St. Hilary, with my mind all the way thinking on nothing, thus giving the tempter an occasion against me.

29: (Sunday.) Read and prayed in the morning before service with seriousness, striving against those thoughts which oppressed me all the rest of the day. At St. Hilary church in the morning, my thoughts wandered from the service, and I suffered the keenest disappointment. Miss L-- G-- did not come. Yet in great pain, I blessed God for having kept her away, as she might have been a snare to me. These things would be almost incredible to another, and almost to myself, were I not taught by daily experience, that whatever the world may say, or I may think of myself, I am a poor, wretched, sinful, contemptible worm.

Called after tea on Miss L-- G--, and walked with her and--, conversing on spiritual subjects. All the rest of the evening and at night I could not keep her out of my mind. I 'felt too plainly that I loved her passionately. The direct opposition of this, to my devotedness to God in the missionary way, excited no small tumult in my mind. In conversation, having no divine sweetness or peace, my cheerfulness was affected, and consequently very hurtful to my conscience. At night I continued an hour and a half in prayer, striving against this attachment. I endeavoured to analyze it, that I might see how base, and mean, and worthless such a love to a speck of earth, was, compared with divine love. Then I read the most solemn parts of Scripture, to realize to myself death and eternity, and these attempts were sometimes blest. One while I was about to triumph, but in a moment my heart had wandered to the beloved idol! I went to bed in great pain, yet still rather superior to the enemy; but in dreams her image returned, and I awoke in the night, with my mind full of her. No one can say how deeply this unhappy affection has fixed itself; since it has nothing selfish in it that I can perceive, but is founded on the highest admiration of her piety and manners.

30. Rose in great peace. God, by secret influence, seemed to have caused the tempest of self-will to subside. Rode away from St. Hilary to Gwennap in peace of mind, and meditated most of the way on Rom. viii. I again devoted myself to the Lord, and with more of my will than last night. I was much disposed to think of subjects entirely placed beyond the world, and had strong desires, though with heavy opposition from my corrupt nature, after that entire deadness to this world, which David Brainerd manifested. At night I found myself to have backslidden a long way from the life of godliness, to have declined very much since my coming into Cornwall, but especially since I went to St. Hilary. Sat up late, and read the last chapter and other parts of Revelations, and was deeply affected. Prayed with more success than lately.

31. Read and prayed this morning with increasing victory over my self-will. The 7th of Romans was particularly suitable; it was agreeable to me to speak to God of my own corruption and helplessness. Walked in the afternoon to Redruth, after having prayed over the Epistle to Ephesians with much seriousness. On the road I was enabled to triumph at last, and found my heart as pleased with the prospect of a single life in missionary labours as ever. What is the exceeding greatness of his power to usward who believe!

August 3. Wrote part of a sermon, and was very much affected with considering the holy life of our Lord on earth, and in my walk out, found my soul breathing after a conformity to him.

5. Walked in great peace to St. Michael's, and preached there on John iv. 10. My two sisters heard me for the first time. As I walked afterwards with--to Lamorran, I found she had been deeply affected, and by the rest of her conversation I received great satisfaction. Preached at Lamorran, on the parable of the lost sheep. There was the greatest attention. In the evening I walked by the water-side till late, having my heart full of praise, at first, to God, for having given me such hopes of--. I laboured greatly with an empty unsettled mind, but latterly my spirit rose again to heaven, and enjoyed great deadness to the world, and clear views of the work which lay before me in this world, and of my passage into eternity.

6. In conversation at night, having occasion to mention to one another, the acts of great wickedness we had heard of, such, as murder, &c., my soul was filled with the most awful thoughts. I felt deep concern for my poor fellow-mortals, and fear of God's judgments, but could not conceive that I could be capable of murder. My utter unprofitableness and daily waste of time came home to my conscience, and I lay down with strong desires after a life of more devotedness and diligence.

Lamorran, August 6, 1804.

MY DEAR SARGENT,

* * * * *

How can I sufficiently adore the singular benefits of God to my family; we are now brothers and sisters for eternity. How cheerfully can I now go forth to proclaim the glories of him who hath done so much for us.

* * * * *

Respecting your approaching union with that excellent lady, I have nothing to add at present, but that you have my prayers, both of you; and particularly does it seem to me a necessary petition that you may not in your mutual affection forget the Saviour. May he himself show us the vanity of the enjoyments of this world; and instead of pleasing ourselves with the prospect of a happy continuance in it, let us contemplate with greater satisfaction the moment of our departure from it. * * * *

7. Continued seven hours in the wood this morning. In prayer my soul was convinced of its trifling unconcern about souls, and was stirred up to pray for a serious earnestness, which the Lord imparted to me in some measure. I wrote with my mind solemnized. In the evening read Jon. Edwards on 'Original Sin,' one mark was a want of love to God; how deeply do I bear this mark engraved in my nature. In prayer at night I was made to feel a little more love to the blessed God.

8. Walked from Tressilian to Lamorran, with my mind unsettled at first, but in complaining of the deadness of my heart, and asking to be shown something for which my love to God might be kindled, my heart was raised, doubtless by the Spirit, to great admiration and love to God, without having in view any of his particular benefits, and the prominent feature of this affection in my mind at the time, was an unwillingness so much as to think any thing that might offend him.

At Mr. B--'s, met Capt.-- his lady and suite; he was sailing one Sunday, a few weeks before, when by his climbing to the mast-head, the boat upset and went down in an instant; he was supported by his clothes, but was taken up for dead. I asked him whether he did not receive it as an awful warning not 'to take his pleasure on God's holy day;' he took the Lord's name in vain immediately, but he went without my having an opportunity to tell him of it. At night my illness gave me near views of death, but I was enabled to draw near to God in faith, to be saved as a poor sinner.

10. Breakfasted with--, he presently entered into the highest points of the Calvinistic scheme; his views appeared to me unscriptural, but I wanted to leave these things for others more practical, for my heart was much frozen by the conversation; he had but a slight opinion of missionary work, and on the whole, his behaviour depressed my spirits a little, though he has, I know, great affection for me. Walked in pain and weakness to Truro, with my mind scarcely reaching beyond the body. My illness made me doubt if I was designed for foreign service, but when this doubt began to disquiet my mind, I was refreshed by considering that the Lord would make me clearly understand his will if I left it to him. In the evening read Jon. Edwards.

11. Was very ill and weak all day, better at night, and had much enjoyment of God.

12. Went by water to Philleigh, where I preached; dined with Mr. B--; finding no opportunity of talking on religious subjects, I conformed to their worldly manner and conversation so much, that in the afternoon going to church, I found my conscience dreadfully grieved, and did not recover from an unbelieving sense of guilt till I went away from them; but I confessed my iniquity to the Lord, and found returning peace. On the water, and in the wood, as I returned, my heart was humbled and tender. During the whole time of being at Philleigh, I had no attack of those pains, which would have prevented me entirely from preaching. This I considered as a remarkable answer to prayer.

13. Walked to Truro, and found my wandering-heart rested on the way by reading the word.

14. Read 'Edwards on Original Sin.' Dined at--s. The conversation was insipid in a very great degree. No doubt I might have introduced better subjects very easily, were my own heart in a properly spiritual state. Mr.--walked with me to Mopus, and heard from me as much as I could say with propriety.

16. Read Edwards; rode to Truro with C--, unable to bring him to any useful conversation. Dined at --s, who used every argument to dissuade me from going to India, some not without weight, expressing withal great regard for me. In the evening called on the two --'s, sent I think by their Lord to them, for they were in great want and dejection that none visited them.

17. Rode to Lanivet with great deadness, except when I read the word of God. O how I blessed that precious book, for quickening me to conformity to saints and holy angels, although of a better world. After tea, with--, to the ruins of St. Beimels. I could wish to have been alone, but on our return, we rested with difficulty on the subject of religion. I found to my surprise and grief, his mind tinctured with infidelity. I was enabled to answer his arguments clearly, from Butler and Jon. Edwards.

18. Morning passed in reading Homer and Mathematics with--, for I could get him to speak on no other subjects. In our walk we touched again on the subject of religion; it was my chief endeavour to point out the necessity of prayer for illumination, even if he believed in natural religion only; also of a determination of acting up to the light he should receive, and conforming his life to the gospel. Also of enquiring with the humility of a creature. The old -- made me a present of Thomas-a-Kempis de Imitatione Christi, and seemed much affected at parting with me.

19. Though 1 lay down in a temper of poverty of spirit, my first thoughts, seized by the concerns of time and sense, led me to a proud and discontented temper; hut prayer brought me to a better spirit. Rode to St. Michael's, and preached there on Dan. v. 23, 24. to a small congregation; walked back with--. Our conversation was somewhat on the vanity of the world. My heart afterwards was a little ruffled by the expectation of the great concourse of people to hear me, but my tranquillity was restored by prayer; yet I cannot preserve for any time, a sense of inward communion with God. The church at Kenwyn was quite full, many outside, and many obliged to go away. At first beginning the service, I felt very uneasy from the number of people gazing, but my peace soon returned, and I prayed and delivered my sermon with composure and earnestness, on 2 Cor. v. 20, 21. Walked with--, and tried, I am afraid to no purpose, to turn his wavering mind to religion. Felt chagrined in the evening at not hearing my sermon praised. Wretched creature, full of sin and ignorance; the less reason I have to be proud, the more eagerly do I court applause. O the blessedness of living unknown. But my soul is encouraged, that I feel the want of heavenly abstraction from sin and the world, and the certainty that I may receive it from above. Read Thomas a Kempis in the evening.

22. Walked to St. Hilary, with my mind agreeably employed all the way, in learning the Epistle to the Ephesians by heart.

23. Walked to the sea-side, and found a large cave singularly fitted for meditation; I prayed with some sense of the awful presence of God, for the assistance of the Spirit, in writing on Rev. xxii. 17.

24. Abridged 'Jon. Edwards on Original Sin.' Walked out, and my mind was kept much from wandering. In the evening read Thomas a Kempis with much profit in my room.

25. Read the Pilgrim's Progress this morning to--. Walked out, and had at times my heart exalted to God, but my affections were only transient. After much exertion, I got an insight into the meaning of Rev. xxii. 17. and walked up and down with my soul very solemnly impressed, and my ideas flowing naturally. Read a Kempis in the evening.

26. Rose early, and walked out, invited by the beauty of the morning. Many different pleasing thoughts crowded on my mind, as I viewed the sea and rocks--mount and bay, and thought of the person who lived near it; but for want of checking my natural spirits, and fixing on one subject of thought, I was not much benefitted by my meditations. Walked in the evening with Mr. G--, and Lydia, up the hill, with the most beautiful prospect of the sea, &c. but I was unhappy from feeling the attachment to Lydia, for I was unwilling to leave her.

27. Walked to Marazion, with my heart more delivered from its idolatry, and enabled to look steadily and peacefully to God. Reading in the afternoon to Lydia alone, from Dr. Watts, there happened to be among other things a prayer on entire preference of God to the creature. Now, thought I, here am I in the presence of God, and my idol. So I used the prayer for f myself, and addressed it to God, who answered it, I think, for my love was kindled to God and divine things, and I felt cheerfully resigned to the will of God, to forego the earthly joy, which I had just been desiring with my whole heart. I continued conversing with her, generally with my heart in heaven, but every now and then resting on her. Parted with Lydia, perhaps for ever in this life, with a sort of uncertain pain, which I knew would increase to greater violence afterwards, on reflection. Walked to St. Hilary, determining in great tumult and inward pain, to be the servant of God. All the rest of the evening, in company, or alone, I could think of nothing but her excellences. My efforts were however, through mercy, not in vain, to feel the vanity of this attachment to the creature. Read in Thomas a Kempis many chapters, directly to the purpose; the shortness of time, the awfulness of death, and its consequences, rather settled my mind to prayer. I devoted myself unreservedly to the service of the Lord, to him, as to one who knew the great conflict within, and my firm resolve through his grace of being his, though it should be with much tribulation.

28. Rose with a heavy heart, and took leave of St. Hilary, where all the happier hours of my early life, were passed.--and--, accompanied me in the chaise a few miles, but the moment they left me, I walked on dwelling at large on the excellence of Lydia. I had a few faint struggles to forget her, and delight in God, but they were ineffectual. Among the many motives, to the subjection of self-will, I found the thought of the entire unworthiness of a soul escaped from hell, to choose its own will before God's, must bring my soul to a right frame. So that while I saw the necessity of resigning, for the service of God, all those joys, for the loss of which, I could not perceive how any thing in heaven or earth, could be a compensation, I said amen!

29. I walked to Truro, with my mind almost all the way taken up with Lydia. But once reasoning in this way, If God made me, and wills my happiness, as I do not doubt, then he is providing for my good by separating me from her; this reasoning convinced my mind. I felt very solemnly and sweetly, the excellence of serving God faithfully, of following Christ and his apostles, and meditated with great joy, on the approach of the end of this world. Yet still I enjoyed, every now and then, the thought of walking hereafter with her, in the realms of glory, conversing on the things of God. My mind the rest of the evening was much depressed. I had no desire to live in this world; scarcely could I say, where I would be, or what I would do, now that my self-will was so strongly counteracted. Thus God waits patiently for my return from my backsliding, which I would do immediately. If he were to offer me the utmost of my wishes, I would say, not so, Lord! "Not my will, but thine be done."

30. Passed the morning rather idly, in reading lives of pious women. I felt an indescribable mixture of opposing emotions. At one time, about to ascend with delight to God, who had permitted me to aspire after the same glory, but oftener called down to earth, by my earthly good. Major Sandys calling, continued till dinner conversing about India. I consented to stay a day with him at Helston, but the thought of being so near Marazion, renewed my pain, especially taken in connexion with my going thither on the subject of my departure. After dinner walked in the garden for two hours, reasoning with my perverse heart, and through God's mercy not without success. You preach up dead-ness to the world, and yet not an example of it! Now is the time, my soul, if you cannot feel that it is best to bear the cross, to trust God for it. This will be true faith. If I were put in possession of my idol, I should immediately say and feel, that God alone, was, notwithstanding, the only good, and to Him I should seek immediately. Again I weighed the probable temporal consequence of having my own will gratified; the dreadful pain of separation by death, after being united, together with the distress I might bring upon her whom I loved.

All these things were of small influence, till I read the Epistle to the Hebrews, by which my mind, made to consider divine things attentively, was much more freed from earthly things. "Let us come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find -grace to help in time of need," was very precious and comforting to me. I have found grace to help in this time of need; I still want a humble spirit to wait upon the Lord, I almost called God to witness, that I truly resigned my pleasure to his, as if I wished it to be remembered. In the evening, had a serious and solemn time in prayer, chiefly for the influences of the Spirit, and rose with my thoughts fixed on eternity. I longed for death, and called on the glorious day to hasten, but it was in order to be free from the troubles of this world.

31. Passed the morning partly in reading and writing, but chiefly in business. Rode to Rosemundy, with my mind at first very unhappy, at the necessity of mortifying my self-will, in the same particulars as for some days. In conversing on the subject of India with Major Sandys, I could not help communicating the pain I felt at parting with the person, to whom I was attached; but by thus dwelling on the subject, my heart was far more distressed than ever. Found my mind more easy and submissive to God at night in prayer. September 1. Drove to Helston, and enjoyed peace in general. In the evening, Mr. S. the curate of Helston, and I, walked together in the garden. I rejoiced to find him seriously disposed, and endeavoured to give him what I thought scriptural views of the doctrines of the gospel.

2. (Sunday.) Preached at Helston church, and greatly offended some ladies, who said they would not go again to hear such doctrine; accordingly in the afternoon, the genteel part of the congregation was smaller, but the poor more numerous. Mr. Andrews, a methodist, begged me to preach at their chapel, which I refused of course. I retired to my room, and found my heart much enlarged in solemn prayer, and views of eternity. Walked in a peaceful contemplation of the wisdom of God, as being a ground of resignation. When my mind was sufficiently composed into submission, I joined Mr. S. and pressed him closely on leaving off cards, plays, dances, and forsaking the company of the world. He seemed much convinced, and expressed great desire of a more serious devotion of himself to the service of God. Mr. O. who had been a missionary in the West Indies for twelve years, called on me afterwards, and gave me much delightful information concerning the work.

3. Mr. S. called on me this morning, to let me know, how much he was obliged to me for my conversation with him, and that he would not but have seen me on any account. The Lord teach him to save himself and them that hear him! I was about to take my leave when--begged to speak a few words, which brought me to ask him about balls, which I had heard he sometimes attended. He was convinced by the arguments I adduced, and confessed he had been acting wrong, through ignorance and fear of man, and determined to have nothing more to do with them. From these things I saw clearly the hand of providence, conducting me to Helston, whither I never dreamt of going till just before. The papers relating to the Mission Church, I read through, and from them and Major Sandys' accounts, felt very strong desires to go forth and preach. Rode to Redruth after dinner, with my mind unsettled, through love of the world, or rather my idol.

4. In prayer this morning, as last night, was taken qs up with desiring that heavenly abstraction from the world, necessary for writing on Rev. xxii. 17; found , the utmost difficulty to fix my thoughts on the subject. At night walked to Truro, with my mind generally at peace, and rejoicing in God, devoting myself to him, with an entire resignation of idols, the world, &c.

5. Writing on Revelations xxii. 17, though greatly distracted by business: passed the evening with S--, and took occasion to beseech her to give up herself wholly to God, without which she could not be safe. Read some chapters of the Acts to her.

6. Finished the Acts with her. She engaged to be regular in the performance of those outward duties s which I recommended. Retired for a while to my Bethel, and after writing a few pages, took my leave of it with solemn and affectionate prayer, that I might preach in the concourse of men in foreign lands those truths which I had received and meditated upon there, and that if I should be spared to revisit it, it might be with great increase of grace in my heart, and after an abundant harvest of souls. Much of the rest of the day, till! evening, passed in exhorting and comforting my sister, and then I took leave of her, with great distress to us both

8. Continued our journey to Plymouth Dock, where we arrived at three o'clock; my mind in the morning s was empty, for want of prayer, and so ill prepared to exercise a complacent devotedness to God in all that he is about to do with me.

9. Rose late, and unfit for lively worship of God,; in consequence of sitting up late last night.

10. Walked with Mr. H--into dock, and was f able to meditate with tolerable steadiness on Scripture, yet with lamentable thoughts of vain conceit continually offering themselves. After dinner read 'Thoresby's Journal,' and retiring, had a happy season of reading and prayer. After tea walked with F--, and after offering every argument to induce him to come to God, took my leave of him. I learnt from--that my attachment to her sister was not altogether unreturned, and the discovery gave me both pleasure and pain, but at night alone, I resigned myself entirely to the will of God.

11. Took my leave of this family, who have truly God with them in their house, and went to Exeter. My thoughts were almost wholly occupied with Lydia, though not in a spirit of departure from God, for I considered myself as in his hands, and reposed with confidence and peace on his unerring wisdom. Found some opportunities of speaking to--a young attorney, who knew the necessity of a change, but could not begin. While the coach stopped to change horses, we went into a garden, and sat by some water on the grass slopes. I read and explained the 23rd Psalm, to which he listened. One of the passengers was a Unitarian, and with him in a long walk we had before the coach, I had a conversation, till, having nothing to say in his defence, he declined the subject. Alas! it is the love of sin in all carnal men that is at the bottom. Filled with awful thoughts of God's power and sovereignty, and felt the dreadful impiety of being dissatisfied with his will.

London. 14. Called on Mr. G--, and went away much dispirited, chiefly about--; for my own concerns I could repose on the infinite wisdom of God, who would make my way clear. The same consideration settled my mind also on--s account. Called on G--, and was thus again reminded of one too deeply in my heart. I then went to St. Paul's, to see Sir W. Jones's monument: the sight of the interior of the dome filled my soul with inexpressible ideas of the grandeur of God, and the glory of heaven, much the same as I had at the sight of a painted vaulted roof in the British Museum. I could scarcely believe that I might be in the immediate enjoyment of such glory in another hour. In the evening the sound of sacred music, with the sight of a rural landscape, imparted some indescribable emotions after the glory of God, by diligence in his work. To preach the gospel for the salvation of my poor fellow-creatures, that they might obtain the salvation which is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory, seemed a very sweet and precious employment. Lydia then again seemed a small hindrance.

15. Left London for Cambridge, with my mind most of the way disturbed. I took no pains to say anything for the good of the people, though I. might certainly have done it.

16. (Sunday.) Set out for Stapleford with great desire, that not a moment might pass without having my thoughts in actual exercise about something improving. Yet it was but a poor day, for want of reading, prayer, and watchfulness. My mind was not diligent, either on the road or at church. Preached on 2 John iii. 2.

Rode home, and having little time for prayer, went to Trinity church with my desires indeed after God, and deadness to the world, but unfixed, unsettled on divine meditations. Preached on 2 Cor. v. 20, 21, with no comfort, because I appeared to offer to God what cost me nothing. May God apply the word, but not for my sake; I must truly say I am an unprofitable servant; but through mercy God does not forsake me, but is quickening me to greater devotedness and diligence. O may his grace enable me to fight manfully, and to labour while it is day, while I am in this world. My rest remaineth for the next.

17. Another unprofitable day. My heart was languid in God's work, and wandering in pursuit of my earthly idol. Yet by meditating on Ephes. ii. 16, my soul was more disposed to cleave to God, as the chief good. I stayed so long over a difficult Latin passage, that it was too late to see any body more, so I went home and prayed with some earnestness, that I might redeem the time. I was particularly affected with this thought, 'Are there so many people, old and young, dying all around me, and am I considering how I may enjoy myself in life'? The rest of the evening read, and looked out the parallel passages in the 3rd of Ephesians. O may the sins and negligences of this day be forgiven, and the next be passed with greater zeal, diligence, and heavenly-mindedness.

18. My prayer of yesterday was heard, for this day has been better spent. Rose before six, and prayed in heaviness for God's assistance in preparing for public ministrations. Learnt some Scripture by heart; considered some passages for the evening.

After dinner I had two hours in my room of prayer and meditation on latter part of Ephes. iii.; then went to a society, where I found considerable ease on a difficult subject, and thus the Lord rewards the least diligence: let it encourage me to greater exertions. Expounded to my bed-maker, at night, as usual, but all the day I have had an inward conflict between God and the world. My dear Lydia and my duty call me different ways, yet God hath not forsaken me, but strengthened me, though I determined to do his will, and if I could not find joy in him, not to seek it in any thing else.

19. Having no society to attend this day, I was not so watchful over my heart; such is my corruption! hypocrisy even in my spiritual desires! Read Jon. Edwards before breakfast, but lost a great deal of time, then, and after breakfast, by thinking on L-- G--. These thoughts may be very pleasing for the time, but they leave behind them tenfold pain. Attempted to write on Isaiah Iv. 1--3, but with little progress, my mind was so distracted.

After church called on--, who, after professing for twenty, five years, had now in illness begun to fear, not without reason, that she had never known the grace of God in truth. After many vain, evil, distrustful thoughts, my mind settled in prayer to God, and asked freely for all ministerial gifts and graces, and begged of him to fulfil all the good pleasure of his will respecting me, not to allow me to follow the dictates of my heart, for what I would not that do I. It is therefore no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.

20. With my mind greatly dissatisfied, I prayed over 1 John iv. and found my heart much relieved. In my walk I indulged in the pleasing retrospection of the mornings I had passed with Lydia, and at last ceased; from them without repining, as I saw sufficient in God's wisdom and love, to impart perfect satisfaction with all that he should order. I was for the rest of the time s generally in peace, sometimes rejoicing. Visited--, the conversation very trifling, but I abstained from that levity to which I was tending, because it would be inconsistent with the solemnity of the subject this evening. At church my soul was much affected with the views of eternity. I preached on Rev. vii. 22, and afterwards walked with--, whom I encouraged to continue in the grace of the gospel. Drew near to God afterwards in prayer.

21. Rose and prayed under the overwhelming influence of corruption. I felt an obstinate dislike to all the service of God, and an unhappy discontent at his righteous will. Yet I determined to persevere in striving to live independently of created comforts, small and great.

Was somewhat relieved after breakfast, and wrote sermon with freedom. At the hour of walking out, every thing tended to recal gloom, yet I summoned up my spirits, and considered it as an exercise of faith.

I once was beginning to console myself, that I should leave this dreary scene of college, which appears indeed a wilderness, after the company of my dear friends in Cornwall and Devonshire. But I checked the thought, as being full of earthliness, discontent, and folly, for I ought to be happy wherever God has placed me; and I am sure enough that the exchange I shall make of college, for a stormy ocean and burning plain, will not be very pleasing to the flesh. Meditated during walk, on a subject for the evening. After dinner walked a little with------inquiring about the voyage he had made to China; then called in Wall's Lane. In my rooms continued three hours, reading for the class, learning Scripture by heart, and praying. Afterwards read a little of Pearson, French Translation of Soame Jenyns, and Thomas-a-Kempis. Some of Fortescue's poems set me into a pensive meditation on the happy mornings I had passed near Killa * * but afterwards it subsided into a more profitable one on the vanity of the world; "they marry and are given in marriage," and at the end of a few years, what are they more than myself? looking forward to the same dissolution, and expecting their real happiness in another life. "The fashion of this world passeth away," Amen. Let me do the will of God while I am in it.

22. Wrote freely this morning, and in my walk out was tolerably peaceful; when my time is well employed, the things of this world have less power to charm. At chapel my soul ascended to God, and the sight of the picture at the altar, of John the Baptist preaching in the wilderness, animated me exceedingly to devotedness to the life to a missionary; passed most of the evening in reading the account of the missionaries in India.

23. (Sunday.) This morning I had power to check my thoughts from wandering over the earth, and looked up to Christ for entire devotedness to him. Prayed for all my dear brethren in the ministry, and particularly the person who had warned me of my not preaching Christ. I preached at Lolworth from 2 Cor. v. 20, 21, I thought with such clearness that all must have understood; but a woman with whom I have conversed more than once, discovered by her conversation, that she knew no more of Christ, than if she had never heard of him. "Not by power, nor by might, but by my Spirit," is often my refuge. I see that I can only sound the horns round the walls of Jericho; but oh, does not perhaps God withhold his Spirit from this benighted place, because I do not plead for them in earnest, nor bear them upon my heart often enough before Him? I must live much nearer to the Lord. I am satisfied with going on without anxiety for nearness to God, whereas in the midst of my troubles, I find not a moment's peace, save in his presence. Oh, how does it show the corruption of my heart, that severe afflictions are necessary to keep me from ruin. Read David Brainerd to day, and yesterday, and find as usual, my spirit greatly benefitted by it. I long to be like him; let me forget the world, and be swallowed up in a desire to glorify God. I am now alone with God. Awful thought! what is there in the creature to be compared to thee? Lord, remove the veil from my heart, that I may not be so powerfully driven away in contradiction to my reason. Let me cheerfully repose in the wisdom of God, and think of nothing now, but how I may walk agreeably to my Father's will. But what conflicts has * * caused in my mind. At night prayed earnestly for an increase of grace for usefulness in the ministry, and felt a great desire to deny myself, and to be diligent for the cause of the gospel.

24. Rose with my mind heavenward, after some thoughts of God in the night, but in prayer was short and superficial. Read------'s account, and wrote to --, which took up all the morning; afterwards burnt the letter, as it contained unwarrantable charges, and betrayed a passionate spirit.

Read and prayed with my bed-maker; read a good deal of Thomas-a-Kempis, and with the 19th Psalm closed the reading of the day. But no good has been done without. By reading a-Kempis, I am brought to ask, what keeps me from such close communion with God, but sin and sloth. Do I not know I might enjoy the same deadness to the world, and spirituality of mind, were I resolutely to pursue the path of watchfulness, fasting, and prayer?

25. Rose rather in darkness, but was enlivened by prayer. Called on--, and exhorted her, now she was raised to life again, to walk worthy of the gospel. As I went along the street, my heart rose above earthly things to God. Afterwards in my room was rather peevish. At seven went to a class, and expounded Luke ix. The rest of the evening chiefly taken up with the account of-------which I finished. I feel the utmost encouragement, and even desire to go and preach to the Hindoos. My talents seem to me to be peculiarly suited to them. Yet I have need to learn much subjugation of spirit, to be willing to wait on these poor people, and to abide the Lord's time for their conversion.

26. Rose before six, and walked to Shelford, with my mind in tolerable peace, committing Scripture to memory; I found it continually necessary to pray for the good of men, and particularly the persons I am this day to meet. As I arrived early, I employed myself immediately, that no time might be lost, for the redemption of time is absolutely necessary to my tranquillity. I walked home to Cambridge alone at night, with my mind disposed to enjoy heavenly things, but for want of exertion to fix it, the time was rather wasted.

27. Walked to Shelford; somewhat ruffled at a trifle, and my mind getting further and further from God. But though my spirit at the time was so hateful, I returned to him in defiance of my corruption, and prayed for deliverance, which I received. At morning prayer, Mr. E-------officiated, Mr. H-------opened the conference, and Mr. M------concluded it in a prayer.

I was enabled to be tolerably watchful, so as not to lose sight of the eternal world. In the evening walked to Cambridge with--. My conversation was very profitable to me. At Trinity church, preached on Phil. iv. 7. Afterwards, during the interval between supper and bed-time, was looking over the Bengalee grammar.

28. Walked out just before dinner, with the melancholy retrospect of a morning all lost through wandering thoughts. But I was taught by former experience, not to depart from God, but to come nearer to him, which he mercifully permitted me to do; I calmly considered how loudly and earnestly all things around me are calling me to redeem the time. Almost despaired of ever writing or speaking with that deep seriousness which characterizes Mr. M. Yet by looking up to God, I somewhat composed my mind into a solemn frame. At prayer, after dinner, my soul was seriously affected, and I went to my work of visiting Wall's Lane, with a heart strengthened against my vanities; returned and finished the Bengalee grammar, which I had begun yesterday, and construed a little. I am anxious to get Carey's Bengalee New Testament. After tea, reading a version of Psalm cxxxix. I felt the presence of God as very near me, and addressed him with the deep impression on my soul. Oh that I could live in such a frame; let me set the Lord always before me. What is religion without the reality of divine communion, and how shall I be easy on my death-bed without being more clearly satisfied of my having partaken of it, than I am at present? God seems near to me, but speaks not, but it is because I do not ask him to speak; I content myself with telling him my wants, but can bear to be unanswered, and to be without the joy of the Holy Ghost. Read some chapters in Numbers, and wrote part of a sermon till late.

29. Watched over my thoughts more steadily this day, and found the benefit, as I delighted more in God. Many argued at--in favour of the lawfulness of amusements on the Lord's day, as it was not a day enjoined in scripture, to be observed; I could not prove decidedly that they were unlawful, but my heart was grieved at the open profaneness and vain reasonings, which will increase into more ungodliness. In prayer afterwards, I ( felt much affected at remembering them.

30. My mind this morning was in a frame of easily ascending to God in peaceful solemnity; but by the merest carelessness and self-confidence, I let my thoughts ( run upon the world, and the flesh, till my conscience was wounded. In prayer I was serious and earnest. I rode home from Lolworth, with my unbelieving suspicious heart uneasy about there being no appointment for me to India, without which, as Mr. Simeon said, to go, would be to nm before the pillar and the cloud. I felt a dislike to staying longer in Cambridge than till the spring. At intervals I recovered, and reposed on the wisdom of God, and sometimes through the evening, I longed to be alone in my room, to have my heart opened in prayer.

October 1. The pride of my heart was made manifest to me this morning in prayer, but it was a time of spiritual strengthening to me. Read at the hospital, and called on--, &c. My own heart was not the better for these ministrations, but rather puffed up with pride and arrogance. But in prayer I found myself restored to a right frame. Read in the Christian Observer. The account of a Brahmin preaching the gospel delighted me most exceedingly. I could not help blessing God for thus glorifying himself.

2. My mind was seriously turned towards God, somewhat in a spirit of calm devotion, this morning. Read Thomas a Kempis, and a few hymns, with some sweetness of soul. Wrote sermon. Engaged all the rest of the morning by Gilchrist's Hindoostance dictionary. Walked with A--, but from having no prayer, nor reading, nor religious thought, I was very little disposed for edifying conversation. The loss of time made me also rather petulant. In my walk afterwards alone, having no Bible, I endeavoured to repeat to myself the Epistle to the Ephesians, which brought me nearer to God, and kept me from darkness and peevishness. After dinner, began Halhed's Bengalee grammar, for I found that the other grammar I had been reading, was only for the corrupted Hindoostanee. In prayer, I found my soul composed to a blessed and serious view of eternity. Visited the hospital, &c. Read some missionary accounts, and felt my heart expanded with love, and gratitude, and praise, for what God is doing. Oh that it may please my God in his mercy, to send me forth into this vineyard. I could almost say it is my supreme and fervent desire, that God may be glorified, were it not that my slowness to labour in my present post seems to offer a plain contradiction to this. Oh that the Spirit would kindle a holy zeal within me, and give me victory over the world and the flesh, for it is to spare this that the devil tempts me to neglect the work of God. Oh that my eyes were opened, that I might see the heavens, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God!

3. Reading Missionary accounts, Bengalee grammar, and at church. Went out, designing to call at all the houses, about having the children catechized; afterwards, when I ought to have read the scriptures and prayed, I took up the Missionary accounts, and so the opportunity was lost. I went out, groaning heavily at my careless walk with God. I pray that he take not his Holy Spirit from me. Staid at the hospital in the afternoon, endeavouring to lead the different patients to the knowledge of the way of salvation; afterwards called upon--, and used every possible illustration and argument, to convince them of sin, and lead them to Christ, but all in vain; I then prayed with them; in the evening wrote part of my sermon; I was much pained and humbled at reflecting, that it has never yet to my knowledge pleased God to awaken one soul by my means, either in public or private,--shame be to myself. Now, what is there wrong in my spirit? When I ask the question, my conscience may immediately reply, What is there which is not wretchedly proud and lukewarm; but I desire nothing pleasing or honourable to myself. God forbid! but oh let me be found doing my duty!

4. My mind rather unfitted for the worship of God this morning by wandering thoughts; yet, by prayer, God in mercy "restored my soul, and led me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake." B------breakfasted with me, and staid late; finished a letter, and then the morning was gone; walked out, and instead of grieving at my miserable unprofitableness, began to think of Lydia, but almost without a wish to live at home for her. With all my worthlessness, and deadness, and stupidity, I would not wish to exist unless I hoped to live entirely for God. Dined at--, and in the afternoon walked about, with my mind harassed and hurt by many vanities. Alas, I do not live like a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, bidding farewell to this world; yet God helping me, I will be a holy man. Read the service with some humiliation, and desire to be alone to pour out my soul to God. Mr. Simeon preached on "Christ is all and in all; "it was very serious and consoling to me. If it be a true mark to desire to be delivered from an evil nature, and to put on the new man, then I trust that I possess that. Was much struck with Mr. Ward's letter to a minister; I scarcely know what time to devote to sermon-writing. I do waste a prodigious part of it in this way. I cannot but think that if I read more of scripture, and prayed more, and was more engaged in active exertion for my parishes, I should have more spirituality and freedom in composition.

5. My mind still galled at the sense of my unprofitableness. N. and B. breakfasted with me; notwithstanding my precaution I had not sufficient recollection to be profitable to them. This was a day I had intended for fasting and prayer, of which my soul greatly stands in need, but unforeseen engagements prevented it. All that I see, and read, and think of, in the creature, though it be of a religious nature, is utterly unsatisfying. Then why do I not keep nearer to God? how is it that every thing can engage me more easily than he?

6. Morning passed away in reading Missionary journals, and attempting sermon; in the afternoon, was employed in officiating at the hospital, calling on W. and M. With the former I was often brought to recollect I was conversing with a dying man, and that the most serious and affecting solemnity became me. Finished the Missionary accounts, and glad I am, for they have taken up my time so much this week, they have drawn me away from study, reading, and prayer. I desire thankfully to acknowledge that it is the Lord's mercy, and I trust through the intercession of Christ, that I am not cut down as a cumberer of the ground.

7. (Sunday.) On my road home from Stapleford, it was the querulous inquiry of my heart, "Who will shew me any good? "I could not but perceive the necessity of entirely disregarding all created delights, and amongst them, the communion of saints, so far as to be able to live happily in the enjoyment of God. But without tasting this enjoyment at the instant, it is very trying to faith, to resign all things else. But as a missionary, how strongly am I called upon to do this. God is indeed, I know and feel, an all-sufficient portion, but unless he is near, how melancholy is my life likely to be, for how slow is my heart to seek him, how soon tired with spiritual meditation. Found some sweetness at church, but mixed and spoiled at last, by a great deal of vanity. Read some of Thomas a Kempis, and the Olney Hymns.

8. Morning was taken up by sermon, on which I was obliged continually to fix my steady attention, and though I got on very little, yet I was not dissatisfied, as it was not through idleness. S--gave me a letter from Mr. Brown of Calcutta, which gave me great delight on many accounts. Speaking of me, he says, 'Let him marry, and come out at once.' I thought of Lydia with great tenderness; but without pain at my determination to go out single. Found great affection in prayer for my dear brethren at Calcutta, for the establishing of Christ's kingdom among the poor Gentiles, and for my being sent among them, if it were his will. But O that I had zeal to labour more for the benighted people among whom I minister. Well, I trust God will hold up my hands, and help me to be that active holy minister of God, from being which I am yet so far distant. Read some of the Bengalee Grammar at night, and learnt some of the beginning of 2 Corinthians.

9. Greatly distracted in prayer this morning. I manifestly wanted to be about something else, and to have done after having satisfied my conscience. But it pleased God to convince me of my wickedness, and to teach me to call upon him faithfully. Read to my bed-maker the 11th of Luke; found my mind solemnized, but what little reason have I ever to be satisfied either with the matter or manner of what I say to her, or to any, on the subject of their souls. Setting to my work of writing a sermon to-night with some zeal, my heart was exceedingly enlivened at looking through time into eternity, and seeing nothing but works of love to be done. "Sweet is the work! my God, my King!"

11. Received a letter this morning from K--, which melted me into tears of penitence; I know not what spirit I was of when I wrote, and now that he has answered so mildly and patiently, I am struck with his vast superiority in Christian attainments. My selfishness and uncharitableness made me appear quite loathsome to myself, and I wrote in a spirit of great self-abhorrence.' Thinking of his letter and answering it, took up the whole evening. In a short walk met with--who is still gravely trifling along the path of life. I strove to retain that penitential spirit which I was conscious became me, and which was exceeding conducive to spirituality.

Thinking my mind was in need of recreation, I took up Lord Teignmouth's Life of Sir William Jones, and read till tea. At church my heart was softened by the precious hand of mercy.

How soon a season of humiliation is at an end, though the occasion remains. I am soon returned to self-complacency. In my walk out, did not use any restraint in my thoughts, as my mind and body were greatly fatigued with sitting up so late; though happily they did not go far from God.

H. (Sunday.) The morning, dark and lowering, rather depressed my spirits; so easily does any outward circumstance affect me, but by faith and prayer I soon got beyond present things. Many times to-day, as on other days, I have had great difficulty in endeavouring to maintain, or pray for, the two graces of fervour and humility at the same time. I cannot be happy a moment, without some conviction of my own worthlessness, and it is for the honour of God that I should be fervent in spirit. Received a letter from--, which filled me with grief and disappointment; not one word of any kind on the subject of religion. At Lolworth preached on Isaiah Ixiii. 1. In prayer before and after the sermon, I enjoyed the happy presence of God, in whom I found I could he glad, though Israel was not gathered; and though the,people, as appeared by the smallness of the congregation, did not appear to like my preaching quite as much as I thought they ought. Calling on several after church, I found whole families had absented themselves on frivolous excuses; to one man and his wife I gave a very awful warning, and felt as if I spoke from God; promised S-------to come on Wednesday, to read and pray with some people at his house.. Now God grant that this may be the means of stirring up some attention to religion among them! On my ride home I was beginning to be very much dejected about passing my life in such solitary scenes, and having to do with obstinate, ignorant people. But oh, I thought, Christ is very patient in teaching me. My peace returned by this consideration; I had nothing to do with events; it was my simple business to do his will; it is in his power to convert men, and if he does not by my ministry, I may still rejoice in him. My happiness and business is private communion with God; there diligence will never be disappointed. All the rest of the evening my soul enjoyed much love and joy. Had I been more free from the world, and vanity, and self, it would have been more pure and lasting. The circumstances of public worship, sight of so many pious souls, singing with them, &c., animate the religious affections in a manner; yet I seldom find them genuine; I am more frequently persuading myself I am enjoying spiritual things, than really enjoying them. If at any time, as tonight at church, I can think of God, as one alone with me, I find divine pleasure to be something very different; that debases self, holds up wise, clear, powerful views of things, and produces serious conduct. Mr. Simeon, in his excellent sermon to-night, observed, that it was more easy for a minister to preach and study five hours, than to pray for his people one half hour; this I believe, and that it arises from unbelief. So much time passed in prayer, seems thrown away, when we might have bestowed it in reading or visiting. When I pray for my people, it is more because I ought to do it, than wish for it. Perhaps it is to stir up my soul to the habit and spirit of prayer and supplication, that God gives me not to see the least fruit, but things rather getting worse. But I have really need first to pray for a heart to pray for them.

15. In writing to------this morning, my heart was filled with abhorrence of that Evil Spirit who is endeavouring to deceive her as he does the nations, and I longed to spend and be spent, if I might be the means of demolishing his strong holds. O, when shall the kingdoms of this world become the kingdoms of God and of his Christ. O that I might be a fellow-worker with Christ. I perceive in some degree, when darkness is a little removed from my own eyes, that the prince of the power of the air now ruleth, but Christ came to destroy him, and restore us to God and happiness; and, my soul! what hast thou to do with ease, when Christ who came from heaven in such love, is waiting for ministers likeminded? What hast thou to do with the body, with the things of time and sense? They are not thy business; they would be in a measure, wert thou not a minister, but now thou hast nothing to do, but to stand between the dead and the living. In my walk out, I could speak only in praise; the 145th Psalm was very suitable to my feelings. From dinner till supper I was employed in visiting and catechizing the children. After supper read the Bengalee letters, and before, Sir W. Jones's Life. Lost in the course of this time almost all those views of things I had in the morning, and found myself just in my usual frame; averse to the duties of the ministry; but God in his mercy restored them in answer to ejaculatory prayer. Now I approve the things that are excellent, but my faith is weak. I tremble, lest the body should tempt me as it always does, to consult its ease. But, Lord, help my unbelief; help me to launch boldly forth at thy command, into a life of unremitted diligence and zeal, and to believe that as my day is, so shall my strength be.

16. In the course of the morning was plagued with my old temper, at the thought of the evening class-meeting; but by prayer two or three times, I was restored to a right sense of things.

Endeavoured to consider Isaiah xlix, and read the other chapters following, with great delight; my heart was rather drawn out for the prosperity of Zion, but I wanted a poor and contrite spirit. Went to the society and found Mr. Simeon; during the hymn, and reading of Psalm xxii., in which he pointed out the necessity of praise, I was in a frame of great joy, and in prayer I scarcely ever had my heart more full of praise; I could only speak in the language of praise; yet did my wicked heart pride itself on being in this state. Read Sir W. Jones's Life in the evening; O, the misery, vanity, and folly of the best of a worldly man's life; in all his plans of study, which should embrace every subject of human attention, religion bears no place; they seem to fancy religion and virtue to be the same thing; they abstain from a few vices, and say a few prayers, in the same spirit that a child repeats its lesson to a schoolmaster, fearing his punishment or expecting his reward. Oh, ye philosophers, poets and scholars, whither are ye gone. What avails it that you lived on that human praise you so greatly desired? Let me with wonder adore the mercy of God in giving me to see the folly and misery of a life devoted to the most diligent studies.

May I never again be taken in the snare. How mean does------- appear in my view, compared with Brainerd.

17. After dinner walked to Lolworth, thinking on the subject I was to speak on; went to Smith's house, where there were about ten people, and as many children assembled. We sung a hymn, and I then explained the parable of the barren fig-tree. In the midst of the prayer, a man fell down and was carried out, and our meeting ended; the man was young and of a dull disposition, and had never a fit of any kind before, and the room was by no means warm; I did not much like the event, instantly recollecting the Methodist accounts. As the people stood round him, for he sat in a chair in the open air, I took care to say nothing to him about religion, lest I should give countenance to what I foresee will be said of this. I think I shall apply to my Rector for an evening lecture on Wednesdays. Mr. C--gave me very pertinent advice; he told me that my preaching would not do at all for this place, and what was more, the language was seldom such as the people could understand. This much dejected me all the rest of the evening, because I was told of my faults, and did not like to find I was so little esteemed by my hearers; yet I am bound to bless the Lord for every additional ray of truth that he sends me. Read Sir W. Jones's Life at night, and was better pleased with his character.

18. O the vanity and unprofitableness of the day in which there is no exercise of heavenly-mindedness! What signifies every thing that happens outwardly, if I am not familiar with the things which lie between God and my own soul? At church had a longing desire for the coming of Christ's kingdom, and asked myself how is it possible I have not striven in prayer for the manifestation of his glory among all men? Yet in my room afterwards these desires had subsided, though in reading Scripture my heart was engaged, and I resolved, if nothing prevents, to appropriate some hours to-morrow to special prayer and meditation.

19. Read some of the lives of Anselm, Bernard, &c. this morning, at intervals of leisure. I cannot help admiring those holy men who retired to a convent, and lived in the exercise of such elevated devotion; and the consideration of it tends to quicken me to spirituality and love of God. From one to five, I was engaged, according to my intention, in prayer and reading, for the first hour I was tolerably fixed in prayer, chiefly in humiliation and intercession. For my dear sister, I wrestled with more earnestness than I have yet done for any one, but yet I have reason to be astonished and grieved at the insensibility of my heart. The rest of the time passed in learning the Epistle to the Hebrews, and praying for the church. My soul enjoyed much seriousness at times, but there was much wandering and coldness upon me. Went to a class, where, in reading the last chapter of Revelations, and in prayer, I was filled with love and joy, so much that I was very unwilling to leave off.

20. The carnal spirit, this morning, was subdued by prayer. In the afternoon, finished Sir W. Jones's life. My mind was much impressed by some things in it of the grandeur of God, so that when I kneeled in prayer, my soul was filled with veneration. At night, in bed, was greatly disordered, my head was as restless on the pillow as after long and intense study. I thought upon death as perhaps near, without alarm, though without pleasure; with a sort of melancholy.

21. (Sunday.) Rose late, and stupid through lying too long in bed; I could not but abhor myself for the loss of such precious time, when I might have been early interceding for souls, and preparing my own spirit for the service of the day; the bitter reflection on my unprofitableness much dejected me. Low spirits at church, through being about to preach old sermons, which I feel so ashamed of offering to God, that I believe I shall rather leave every thing undone, than not write one new one at least every week. Had an hour to myself before evening church, in which my soul got comfort from prayer and reading hymns. I looked up to Christ for grace to enable me to live independent of those delightful ordinances, I was about to partake of, and to be ready at his command to be sent out to some dark place to teach one poor creature, and to wander in a dreary desert. In endeavouring to feel how good it was to be thus the servant of my Lord, I found fellowship with him; there was not much joy, but I was fully assured of the reality of the communion. I felt the utmost dread and abhorrence of any sin, while he, my friend and my master, was thus looking upon me. At church, I enjoyed the presence of Christ. * *
* * * *

22. Prayed this morning, that I might delight in the prospect of the social worship I was this day to engage in, and of every spiritual duty; in which I was answered, I think. At four, I catechized the children, and from thence went home and prayed. Loitered and wasted my time after supper. Yet my soul is, I hope, gaining ground in the path of duty.

23. Having no particular ministration, I expected much reading and profit. But very soon my perverse will was contradicted by conscience. I wanted to be at one study, when duty called me to another. Very unwillingly left the Bengalee, and Milner's Church History, for writing sermon.--called, and vexed me very much, by what I thought at the time, great folly; presently afterwards, my pride and vanity were wounded by little circumstances, quite harmless in themselves. Walked out, fretting with what I called the great folly of mankind. In the midst of my misery, I tried to think of Jesus, how he might have scorned the ignorance of men, how his patience might have been wearied out with me. But it was not till I learnt some of Psalm cxix. that I could return to a proper spirit. I then went and assisted F. in Newton. On my return home, being utterly averse to any exertion of mind, which seemed jaded, I fell upon my knees before God, and found my spirit revive a little. Yet I found it necessary to read Bengalee, as requiring less thought. Afterwards, I was about to begin the Lord's work gladly, when a most disagreeable If man came and staid an hour and a half. I was exceedingly galled, but spoke seriously of religion to him. I continued afterwards, to a very late hour, thinking and writing on a subject. Thomas a Kempis says, 'We ought to praise God, for seasons of darkness,' but so clearly has my own wicked heart been the cause of this day's unhappiness, that I have nothing to do, but humble myself?

24. Calls of different men prevented me from doing i any thing, but read Thomas a Kempis and Flores Berriardi a little, till two o'clock.

25. Rose early, and passed the time till my pupils came, in writing to my sister. With them I was rather more serious, but my conversation was by no means! "in meekness of wisdom." Walked out, and tasted at times great joy and peace, in the presence of God; but at last found that humiliation was more suitable to my state, and in this temper I enjoyed much true happiness. Some friends with me in the afternoon, but I was careless, and so the time passed unprofitably. My spirit groaned in prayer afterwards, at my constant unprofitableness, and I went to church reflecting on my worthlessness and corruption. How unworthy am I to be found among God's people.

26. It is a trouble with me, every hour of every day, t to get my thoughts to God. Scarcely ever is my mind i at rising, meekly devout. Commenced my work of writing, in the fear of God, and the humbling sense of my own utter unfruitfulness, but advanced very little.

After dinner, I called on two sick persons, with one of whom I prayed. At my return to my rooms, took up Bengalee. Having occasion to consult Jon. Edwards on Redemption, I was much arrested by the conclusion of it,--O eternity! how real. My soul trembled lest amid the glory of the last day, I should be found unworthy of partaking in it, and but for Christ what should I do?

27. Rose early, learnt some scripture, and walked.

Wrote a little of sermon before pupils came, with frequent interruptions. C. sat with me an hour before dinner, and gave me much encouragement. In my walk met T--, with whom I thought it right not to be pressing on the subject of religion. After dinner, some friends sat with me till near eight. My heart was occasionally full of joy. At night, in prayer, Satan sent one of his fiery darts into my thoughts, by means of the imagination which almost drank up my spirit; but I cried fervently for deliverance, casting the sin upon the Devil, and my self upon the Lord, and found him come to my peace and composure.

28. Vide Memoir.

29. Rose early, lost time in reading Watts, from whom I seldom get a new thought. Abridged some parts of Edwards on Sin. The rest of the morning was taken up by pupils and Major S--. An hour and a half I passed with two sick people, one of whom, a dying man, was awakened to a sense of sin, and the other, a daughter of the Lord Almighty. With the former I was enabled to pray more fervently than the latter. In the midst of confusion, of calls of friends and worldly business, I was beginning to feel some reluctance to visit them; but very soon my soul found it good to go, as the messenger of peace, and minister to the departing spirit. In my walk had more joy than peace, too little humility and too great elation of spirits, chiefly because I was to dine at--'s, with my dear Christian friends. But indeed it was a most unprofitable meeting for us; I went away for an hour to catechise the children, but staid two hours afterwards, in order to be with Major S. I blame my dear brethren, but much more myself, for not introducing spiritual things, their minds seemed engaged very much in this business, but mine was free and joyful, and I ought therefore to have been forward in such conversation. I tremble for this place, lest the candlestick should be removed. Oh that the spirit of prayer and intercession may be poured out upon me, that all my own lukewarmness, and the sorrows of Zion, may be removed by a prayer-hearing God.

30. Another day has passed, and I am nearer eternity. Oh that I could dwell in eternity, amidst the distracting avocations of time. There seems a certain strangeness in my mind to it, as if I had thought but little of another world this day. Employed till pupils came, in thinking of sermon and Bengalee grammar; consented to take another pupil. Walked out rather confused, but was soon able to think of sermon, with my mind breathing freely the air of religion; being enabled to see that the work of the ministry and preparing for another world, were my whole business. Dined at--'s with Major S--, my own spirit was light, and the conversation in general unprofitable. In my rooms afterwards, much in prayer, and had free meditation on sermon. Read a little of Bengalee, and at night some choruses of Sophocles, and Lucretius, in order to examine a pupil. It is astonishing what a snare such reading is to me; but I returned to the Bible, not unfitted for enjoying it, as was once the case. In reading to--, felt condemned by the words, that "men should pray always, and not faint." Christ prepared himself for the ministry, by long, and constant, and fervent prayers. So should I lose less time in endeavouring to write, if my mind were more spiritualized by prayer.

31. My mind was spiritual this morning, and my heart towards God. I was scarcely alone till the time of taking a walk. At church I was guilty of great irreverence, from having been in light conversation just before, and felt the guilt of it in prayer afterwards, at which time my mind was solemnized. After dinner, and a short prayer, I went forth with satisfaction and pleasure, to the work of visiting the sick. I called on and prayed with two, and sat awhile with B. In my rooms afterwards, I found my mind spiritually alive to God, though amid much struggling of sinful temper, of which hateful sin may the Lord make me ashamed. I have more occasion to strive against it in secret, than before men. It is seldom I can enjoy a meek spirit.

November 1. My heart towards God at rising, and in a short walk had a watchful sense of divine presence after prayer. With pupils, not at all guarded enough yet. On account of the ill behaviour of--, my heart was filled with impatience. I walked out in this temper, and though besides this I was assaulted with evil thoughts, yet in all my misery and sin, simply cast myself into the fountain of Christ's blood, and found peace. To bring my mind to sobriety and deadness to the world, I repeated Isaiah liii. with much effect. At church at night my soul was touched with devotion. How precious was the presence of God, after so much intercourse with his creatures! Mr. S. told me, that if I were on the Bengal establishment, my salary would be £1200 a year. I told Parish that I remembered his words, that I should be in danger of worldly-mindedness. At present I feel no desire after the riches of the world.

2. Laboured in prayer this morning for a right spirit of seriousness without pride, and was enabled to sit down to my work with a watchful sense of God's presence. With my pupils rather better, but by no means sufficiently self-governing. In my walk out I was thinking of Lydia, and the possibility of my having a competency; but I felt scarcely the least wish for a settlement of this world, and I found that I could decide between marriage and celibacy with simple reference to God's glory, and my general usefulness. In the afternoon enjoyed solemn thoughts in prayer, and visited several people, and among them one poor penitent soul, with whom I had prayed the day before yesterday. The desires she expressed amidst her tears were, that God would change her heart, and forgive her, and take her to his mercy. If it was his will she wished to leave this world. But what if she should live?--I asked her. She said she could not say she should never sin, as she was constantly liable; but rather than turn to her former ways she would be cut in pieces. I was much affected; with pity, and preached the gospel of grace with much delight to her. In my rooms, read for the evening class, and prayed with my heart full of awful thoughts.

At the class, read Luke xvi. and prayed with some solemnity. Read Bengalee after supper.

3. After the usual business of the evening, I walked in the fellows' garden, thinking on sermon, with great fervor of spirit, though with much pride and want of love. After dinner, I prayed earnestly, and continued writing sermon till late at night, in general enjoying I God's presence, and looking up to him, to correct my spirit, that I might be meek and tender, and might write with seriousness, not to please men but God. It was a very long study, but a pleasant one: I left off satisfied and peaceful, at thinking that the happiness of life consisted in communion with God, of which none could ' deprive me; and happy also and peaceful, at the prospect k of death, not far off. I sometimes tremble at not having suffered more for Christ; but I trust I am ready to undergo it all.

4. Endeavoured to recall my mind from its usual wanderings, by looking to God, to prepare me for morning prayer, in which I found myself solemnly impressed; but during a short walk, pride gathered a cloud over my peace, but it was somewhat brought down , again. The time till church was nearly all taken up in finishing my sermon. During the morning service my heart was much affected, and I felt rather abstracted from the world, and happy in the prospect of greater abstraction. Mr. Thomason preached on Heb. xii. to my edification. Rode to Lolworth with Mr. C. and preached there, on Acts xvi. 29--31. but the people were inattentive. I was in consequence much dejected on my road home, and afterwards; but by simply looking up, as a sinner to God, I found an awful seriousness about souls; and at church, in the evening, in preaching the same sermon, I found by the attention of the people, that the fervor of my spirit yesterday, had been conveyed into the sermon. I came to my rooms, not as usual, flurried, but rejoicing to be alone, and to hold communion with God. Truly God is good to me!

5. A day in which I have suffered much painful temptation, and have lost much precious time. My heart was puffed up by thinking of my sermon yesterday, and I found the utmost difficulty to get it out of my mind. Read and finished the Bengalee grammar to-day. I was very unwilling to take up the Bible to learn my portion of scripture while engaged in the grammar, but after some hesitation, conscience did so far prevail. But I had not time to gain true views of things, by prayer before--came, and praised my sermon in most extravagant terms. I was tried by the most contemptible vanity, yet felt myself a miserable creature; a thousand times rather would I have had all my most disgraceful sins published to my shame. Yet after prayer, in which I could appeal to God, that I had not sought my own glory in writing or preaching it, I walked out in peace. The passage, "and they shall look upon him, whom they have pierced," &c. was very useful to bring me to a right spirit. In the afternoon, catechised about fifty children, and called on a woman in Wall's Lane. Went to my rooms, expecting to do much in the many precious hours that lay before me. I was fervent in spirit at first, but all the evening and night passed in reading a little of Hopkins, and writing for the Christian Observer. At tea time, I was taking up some book pleasing and amusing, but conscience reminded me, of giving every moment which I did not need for recreation, to the word of God. Thus I found it very refreshing and pleasant. Oh blessed word of God! my delight would be in the law of the Lord, if I meditated in it day and night.

6. My heart was cold and unhappy this morning; but by long and diligent prayer, I obtained some sense of God's presence. Wrote a little of sermon; but for three hours got on so little, that I was exceedingly dejected at my unprofitableness: but found some relief in prayer. The thought of this evening's ministrations rather oppressed me. Went to the class in which Mr. S. officiated throughout. -------'s insanity affected me very awfully to-day. God grant that my pride be not levelled with the beasts, in the same manner! My heart has been generally overwhelmed to-day, but Jesus is very precious to me, who "came into the world to? save sinners, of whom I am chief."

7. This morning, read one thing and then another, eager to get some increase of knowledge: but at last fixed on the Hebrew Bible, and read a little of the beginning of Isaiah, and in the meantime was rather watchful over my spirit. At church, my mind in the midst of prayer, was seized with repeated approaches to levity. Oh what a mercy that I was not struck dead! * * * * With my pupil, I was calm, patient throughout, looking to Christ as my example. *

In my walk, the character of Christ on earth took up all my thoughts, and I felt the power of his example, My mind was serious and sorrowful, and I hoped I should hereafter walk as he walked, During the afternoon, though tempted to vanity and levity, I was helped still to set the Lord before me, and found it of rich and unspeakable advantage to me in my intercourse with others. I recollected that I had said something sarcastic at table, tending to wound the mind of one, and was grieved at considering how unlike it was to , him. Drank tea with Mr. and Mrs. B. and when I was verging to an irreligious frame of mind and mode of conversation, the Spirit again brought Christ to my remembrance, and made me earnestly desirous to be like him, in all holy, humble, spiritual, edifying conversation. All the rest of the evening I was employed, if it might be called employment, in thinking of the subject, "Ye are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets," &c. with such dulness that I was quite dejected. Indeed I am a poor ignorant wretch, and what to do I hardly know. My constant uselessness in God's creation, and perfect unprofitableness, overwhelm my soul. And God's forbearance and Christ's tender love, are very, very precious to me. How happy shall I be, in the eternal world, when self, and all its pride, and sin, and wretchedness shall be forgotten, and God alone have all praise! Amen, so be it.

8. In morning prayer, felt a most ardent desire, the same as last night, to be out of doors among the sick. So after writing a letter, I went out and continued till eleven. One man and his wife, I was almost willing to believe, had become true converts. At one house I met with a poor sinful woman with whom I mildly reasoned, as thinking she had been roughly addressed in general, but I could get no answer, for she was ashamed to hold up her head. With my pupils, endeavoured to set the Lord before me, not with so much effect as yesterday. Till church, went about with Professor Parish, who was canvassing for the Jacksonian professorship. * * ***** *

* * Had some happy meditations in the evening at my room, on the favour of God to my soul, and the approach of death, and eternity, and was earnest in prayer; and was still chiefly engaged in desiring to set the Lord always before me, that I might be zealous for souls as he was.

9. Wrote letters, which employed me till my pupils came.. Professor Parish coming to me about his business, prevented my walking, except for a short time with friends, among whom I shewed an unholy spirit. In the afternoon, prayed earnestly over 1 Peter, particularly "the end of all things is at hand, be ye therefore sober." It is this injunction I want above all things, to practise to be sober and serious, to have uncompromising sincerity. Most of the evening in writing letters to different M. A.'S for Professor Parish. In my rooms, began to meditate with some delight on the glory of Zion, the subject of my intended sermon, but advanced little or nothing in it.

10. Rose very early after an almost sleepless night, and continued at sermon chiefly till eleven, making little progress. In the morning, felt resentment at Mr. S. and found it very difficult to regain a right spirit in prayer. But at length I felt patient and forgiving. In the afternoon, hy delaying too long to begin prayer, when my soul was disposed to it, I lost the opportunity, by others coming in: my behaviour was thoughtless, to my sore vexation and grief afterwards. When shall I be delivered from this detestable levity, and inconsistency! Continued at sermon all the rest of the evening, in great dulness, partly arising from headache. A letter from my sister to day was very affecting to me. Oh that it would please God to reveal Christ to her! At night, I seemed to enjoy my subject, which was, the gradual growth of God's church.

11. (Sunday.) Was earnest this morning in prayer, as I generally have been of late, on the morning of the Sabbath, through the mercy of God answering the prayer of his people. Till church, I was again taken up in writing sermon. My natural spirits were high at church, and afterwards rode to Stapleford, in a joyous sort of spirit, but with no true religion in exercise. Preached on 2 Cor. v. 20, 21. The congregation ill-behaved and inattentive. Rode home sorrowful at having preached with no more life and zest, and also at finding myself incessantly tempted. As soon as I came home, I continued some time in prayer: it was, I trust, an- act of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. My evil heart so full of sin, was causing me to depart from God, and to wait till I had a better frame; but by immediate application for pardon and grace my soul was restored. Afterwards for an hour before church divine things were awfully presented to my mind, and my heart was earnest towards God. The world was gone, my thoughts were all swallowed up in the ever-blessed God. Oh how swiftly does my soul advance in holiness at such seasons! Read something of Watts', hoping to get some thoughts of eternal things, but found it unsatisfying. Then I asked, why do not I consult the fountain of truth? so read the Psalms, with a bright light shining upon them. At church at night, rather declined in spirituality. Went into hall, with a holy determination to seize any opportunity of warning others of their danger. Why is not ray soul more serious? I see such strong occasions for it, from without and within, that I groan at not being able to maintain a steady sobriety and tenderness. May the Lord be pleased to fix this in my mind, that I am in the midst of dying souls, who are thronging to hell! How cruel! how impious to let a brother perish for want of warning! All my unhappiness is, that I should so soon become carnal. May God write, Heaven, Hell, Death, and Eternity upon every object I see.

12. Felt much guilt this morning, but rose from prayer in a serious humbled spirit. The thought of ever having been the means of making a fellow-creature miserable, one formed for the glory of God, both in body and soul, sunk down my spirit with shame and terror to the dust. Breakfasted with N------,and continued two hours about mathematics, then visited a dying woman, and prayed in the midst of many people. From that time pupils, and a disagreeable man, who took up my time after dinner, when I was about to enjoy a season of devotion, catechising children and then pupil, left me no leisure for myself till near seven. I was in general at peace and earnest in prayer. The rest of the evening wrote with great slowness and inattention some sermon: though the subject furnished me with many delightful thoughts.

13. God and eternal things are my only pleasure; but my faith is exceedingly weak. At breakfast this morning, I found a happy and tranquil enjoyment of divine meditation. I received a letter from the French officer Vivian, the answer to which took up all the morning. I endeavoured to send a summary of the Gospel, and added some exhortations to embrace it. In a short walk out, was rather confused by present things. After dinner, a party of religious friends were with me, I prayed repeatedly before, and during the time, that I might be like Christ, and that the conversation might be such as becometh saints. It was tolerably well, not idle, yet nothing in the way of affection, and feeling, and for myself, though my views of propriety of conduct were clear, and my heart felt the importance of eternal things, I was very often subject to vanity and levity. A little before seven I read some of I the word of God seriously. S--told me this evening I that he thought there was scarcely the least probability of my going in the spring, or indeed for a year to come. ' This, together with some other little sources of vexation, made me very unhappy for a time. But I made a sudden effort to take all these things quietly, considering 'j that these are the very seasons to exercise faith. '

14. Morning employed in finishing sermon on Ephes. ii. 19--21. No particular enjoyment of divine things, except in reading some of the Scriptures at '; breakfast, and afterwards in my walk, when for a little f my soul was able to speak to Christ, as to one near. * After dinner was in the town, and called on one sick man. In the evening I began to grow very averse to all spiritual reading and thoughts; but I simply asked, what is it right I should do? and I began a sermon, and wrote, by consulting Hopkins, with freedom all the rest of the evening.

15. Corruption always begins the day, and is beforehand with grace, but morning prayer never fails to set my mind in a right frame. Read the Acts this morning with great delight. I love to dwell in sacred scenes, other than those which pass before me, and especially those in which the men of God are concerned. Passed the morning in writing sermon, though greatly interrupted and grieved by temptations. In the afternoon after prayer visited a sick woman. A few friends took f tea with me. I fell rather into levity, though I was disposed to spiritual conversation. At Trinity church felt my heart worldly; unable to realize eternity, but at last I did find my heart opened a little. Preached on: Ephes. ii. 19-21.

15. My soul seems to be enjoying rest: no trials but yet no particular engagement;--let me beware of a calm. Prayer in the morning changed as usual my whole mind. The morning was much interrupted, and I was peevish and idle. Wrote letters on Professor Parish's business. After dinner was sent for by Mrs. P--, and staid there and at Bate's the whole afternoon. Happily for me the Lord did not forsake me,--all this time being without prayer. In the evening read Hopkins on the first and fourth commandment, and Brown's Reflections on the latter chapters of Joshua, with much pleasure, and more ease of ideas; but my heart was not spiritual, and when I left off, I thought with great regret, of the poor dying soul of a woman I had intended to visit. But it is a happiness to my soul, that I love all the work of God. I have no damping doubts as formerly; it seems indifferent to me, in what I am employed, so it be for my God and Lord.

17. Had determined to devote this day to fasting and prayer, which I very much need. Had a peaceful mind in the morning, and in a walk before breakfast, great delight in God, and in prospect of being with him this day; but by receiving a letter from one of the electors attributing my loss of his vote for Parish, to my want of earnestness, I was so vexed that I could not recover my composure and peace for a good while. Owing to pupils, &c. I was not left alone till one, when I walked a little, and met with Mr. Lloyd, whose conversation was as usual, highly spiritual and edifying. When I got to my rooms, I continued about two hours in prayer, with tolerable steadiness, solemnity, and seriousness, and with less distraction than I have almost ever known. I began with labouring after a broken heart, but staid so long at it in vain, that I was obliged to proceed to other subjects, which were chiefly, intercession for the college, nation, my two sisters, and my brethren in the ministry. Afterwards I read some Scripture and went to chapel, and from that time till supper was visiting the sick. At supper and after supper, I let slip a most excellent opportunity of speaking on an important subject, from mere heedlessness and want of thought; which so galled me when I came to my room, that I was quite unhappy.

10. (Sunday.) The morning of this Sabbath was less happy to me than any I have had for a long time, and it is just the one in which I expected to have enjoyment undistracted, as having no unfinished sermon to oppress me. In a state of absence from God, I went to prayer, as knowing it was of no use to try to restore my own soul: so with all my misery and iniquity I cast myself upon God, and found the return of peace, and the time passed in general happily, in reading and praying till church, where during some parts of the service I spoke as to God, though at others was miserably distracted. After dinner sat in my rooms endeavouring to recollect the events of my early life, till afternoon church, where I enjoyed great delight. I was about to offer to Mr. Thomason to preach, but I heard f him on Rom. xii. 1. with great profit. By a letter from Major S--to him, I learnt that Mr. Grant had no doubt of getting me nominated, but that he would let me know positively, about the latter end of December. I rejoiced greatly at the prospect of a speedy departure, feeling, I thought, joy and delight at the gathering in of the Gentile souls. Yet I reasonably suspected myself. The change of scene and sight of other countries, certainly are agreeable to me; but as far as I can see, they would not induce me to resign my ease and my life: no, I believe that I lay down these, in obedience and conformity to Christ, and from love to him and his elect; and had I ten thousand lives, my calm judgment, unruffled by dangers, testifies, that they ought all to be spent for Christ. But when the trying hour conies, how shall I feel? Yet I have that promise, "As thy day, so shall thy strength be," &c. Enjoyed great happiness and the joys of heaven, most of the rest of the evening, though not without distraction. In hall at supper found an opportunity of declaring very plainly, the necessity of intending to keep all God's commandments, in order to the being in an upright and safe state. No answer was made me.

19. Was distracted in prayer, and unable to feel the presence of God this morning in prayer. Read 6th commandment in Hopkins, and began sermon on it. Walked a little in Trinity cloisters, not distressed by corrupted tempers, but yet vain in my thoughts, for want of communion with God. Passed some time in prayer with much seriousness, yet I could not feel that powerful constraining influence to holiness of temper which the Lord at times vouchsafes. Went immediately after dinner, to catechise the children; then after taking tea, I went home, and was employed in writing on Professor F's business, and other secular business the rest of the evening.

20. Professor Parish, &c. breakfasted with me early this morning, and afterwards N------, who continued till late in the morning, for assistance in mathematical subjects. At a little interval I walked with great headache, but my heart seemed affected towards God. Was not left to myself till after dinner, when the Lord delivered me from a temper of levity, and sloth, and earthly-mindedness, by bringing to my mind the example of Christ, always serving God spiritually, and those words of his, "What could ye not watch with me one hour? "So I read Isaiah liii. and 1st Epistle of Peter, with a mind delivered for a while from present things, but from delaying prayer too long was interrupted. Is this serving God with reverence and godly fear? Afterwards went to visit------, but could get him no comfort. So I desired Mr. Simeon to call. The rest of the evening in conversing and writing letters. My heart was not in visible disorder during all this, but it is not the spiritual life that Brainerd led.

21. H-- breakfasted early in the morning before his departure: in my rooms till eleven, I was employed in writing to my sister. At church in morning prayers, I did not really speak to God; pupils left me but a short time for walking before dinner, during which I unwillingly mot with-------. After dinner, by being at Mrs. P--'s, and at the Physic Schools to hear Cope, I lost unexpectedly a season of reading and communion with God, and was with B-- and his family the next three hours. I hastened to my rooms, groaning over my unprofitableness, and impatient to be employed; wrote sermon till nine, when I went to Professor Parish's, after praying that our conversation might not be so unprofitable. It was much better than usual, but alas, my own corrupted heart wandered in vanity and folly. How awful to reflect that our Maker was among us, and beheld our eyes and hearts; how fearful the sinfulness of every day!

22. Rose in painful sense of my unprofitableness; but this conviction led me to God, and away from the world. In prayer, and in the morning reading of the Acts, found my heart serious and tender. Wrote sermon till pupils came. In my walk out, my soul held communion with Jesus Christ, and received the consolations of the Holy Ghost, which I felt constrained to pray for. "The love of Christ constraineth us," was a text much on my mind. Why did not this holy, heavenly frame continue? but alas! it was very short-lived. After dinner I sat meditating for an hour on the past events of my life; but was afterwards engaged till church, by B--and P--. Mr. Simeon preached on the words, "As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love." ' Christ's love resembles the Father's,' he said, ' because it was without beginning, without measure, without variation, and without end.' The subject was delightful to me. An hour afterwards I experienced great joy and love to Christ, and with great delight and fervour prayed, that I might not only rejoice in him myself, (for I find in that joy a great deal of selfishness and want of solidity,) but might labour as his minister, if it was his will, among the poor gentile nations. I longed to go, especially when I remembered, "As thy day," &c.

Wrote sermon the rest of the evening, and was suddenly humbled much at something in Hopkins. I have indeed reason to go mourning all my days.

23. Through shortness of time I was about to omit my morning portion of Scripture, yet after some deliberation, conscience prevailed, and I enjoyed a solemn seriousness in learning 'Mem' in the 119th Psalm. Wasted much time afterwards in looking over an Arabic Grammar. In my walk out, was much impressed with a sense of God's mercy, in having made me unlike * * * * I observed them herding together, depending on one another's mirth for enjoyment, while it was the very life and enjoyment of my heart, to be alone with God. It sometimes appeared astonishing, that men of like passions with myself, of the same bodies, of the same minds, alike in every other respect, knew and saw nothing of that blessed and adorable being, in whom my soul findeth all its happiness, but were living a sort of life which to me would be worse than annihilation, at least independent of future considerations. I could rather sink into my grave, than live a life so utterly distasteful to me. But I want more deadness to the world in order to be happy. I want to feel myself always alone with my God; the opinions of men cannot really affect me; the thoughts which other men have of me, are almost as short and seldom, as if I were out of the world: then why do not I walk with God, as if I were alone with him on the face of the earth? In the afternoon read D. Brainerd, and passed half an hour in prayer, in which I had at times earnest desires for the advancement of Christ's kingdom, and that I might be sent to preach to poor heathens. Visited the poor Magdalene, and read Romans v. with much cheerfulness and suitableness; I have still great hopes. Then drank tea with two serious young men; my conversation was with rather less vanity than in general. In my room read Hopkins on the ninth commandment. After supper sat an hour with Sargent at the inn, who was passing on his way to be married. I rejoiced exceedingly in the portion the Lord had allotted me. While I enjoy him for my inheritance, I would not wish to be settled in the world; even with all the assemblage of blessings which S--is about to possess, which is saying a great deal. I feel no wish to live except to be employed in that work in which Christ died.

24. Days passed in the usual manner, with pupils, in writing sermon, and in general enjoying peace. 'i Received great pleasure in reading Blair's Grave at tea "j time, and found my soul rejoicing in God, by every idea excited in me, either by the poetry, or the subject of ,j death. In prayer my heart adored the Lord, as the author and source of all the intellectual beauty that delighted me; as the creator of all the fair scenes of creation, that employ the poet's pen, and as the former of the mind, that can find pleasure in beauty. In prayer at night I seemed rather far from God, and to be; under a cloud.

25. Rose late from having wasted a great deal of time in unnecessary sleep; in consequence of which I was galled with shame, and a sense of guilt the first half of the day. I had lost the presence of God, and went on in a great deal of inward misery. I had a few short feeble views of another world, and of the advancement of the church, which on other sabbaths I have generally found myself disposed to pray for with delight, but now my wretched spirit went on stupidly in darkness. Was much edified by Mr. Simeon's sermon on 2 Cor. iii. 18.

In my ride to Lolworth made a few faint efforts to get near to God, but still seemed shut out. The thought of being about to preach a sermon, which nobody would attend to, likewise dejected me. But in praying that I might live a life of solitude and prayer, the world seemed to disappear, and I found myself again with God.

Preached on the third commandment; there was the utmost attention, and I felt exceedingly relieved by it. In a short conversation with two men who are serious, I found my heart exceedingly knit to them: their modesty and simplicity are quite engaging. Drank tea at Mr. ------'s, felt persuaded that he knows nothing of inward piety; yet while so many were present, I could not be pressing on the subject. Rode home in good spirits, though not much communing with God. At church at night felt my heart quite full, at the singing of that sweet hymn, 'Jesu, lover of my soul,' &c. Was greatly tired at night with peevishness, discontent, and fear of mortifying the flesh; but in prayer rose above it, and was very fervent, though not free in expression, in seeking for an entire conformity to Jesus Christ.

26. Was mostly solemn and serious in the presence of God this morning, and the part of the 119th Psalm, which I learnt, was of blessed use. By pupils and--walking with me and catechizing the children, was not left alone till six in the evening, when my heart, which had become very earthly, was restored by prayer. The next two hours I spent with two sick men, with both of whom I prayed earnestly. In my rooms afterwards, the words of the sacred poet excited in me awful views of the glory of Christ. In prayer to him I was astonished to think of the wonders of his person, that the King of kings should become a man, and live, and die. Oh mercy unparalleled! Worthy is the Lamb that was slain. Rest of the evening wrote sermon; my soul seems labouring still with the mysterious glories of religion. What shall appear to this soul when I die? What shall appear to this worm, of God's glory, while I live? At night, lay a long time sleepless, and got farther and farther from God.

27. A melancholy day, the sense of my defilement and self-indulgence made me feel myself abominable. The 119th Psalm was again very solemnizing; wrote sermon; walked with B------. After dinner in prayer, was a little restored to deep views of eternity, and felt my soul desiring and watching to imitate Christ, and to delight in his service. At night, after praying for God's preserving power, I began to read the Medea. Read through Person's Preface to the Hecuba, and made extracts. As St. Austin said of Cicero, that he did not find Christ there, so say I; heathen reading, notwithstanding all the clearness of poetry, is dull and dark, as it never kindles any devotion in my heart. At supper was grieved at the conversation, and longed to say something effectually.

28. A disorderly morning; at intervals I tried to learn my usual portion of 119th Psalm, but lost much time and comfort by distraction; yet I determined to take up nothing of my classic studies or any other, till my heart received the Spirit from on high. In my walk, my soul rose above its vexations; many things fretted me, but as I walked, I felt entirely devoted to the most: painful service of God; I felt willing to undergo the I greatest hardships for Christ, and that, not from any particular exercise of love, for I was rather melancholy, but because I loved and approved the angelic work; and I longed for the afternoon to come, that I might be employed in it. After dinner consented unwillingly from a sense of duty, to sit at C--'s, but had no opportunity of doing good. Went into Wall's Lane, and visited several people. Supped with Professors Parish and Jowett, and a Scotch Professor. Conversation not uninteresting.

29. The serious, tender, and happy spirit which I: generally feel after morning prayer, does not continue long. The 119th Psalm had the same solemn effect as "yesterday. Though the morning was chiefly taken up I with the Medea and with B--, and though unprepared by! prayer for conversation, by looking up to God, was enabled to speak with some inward enjoyment on the excellence of the work of the ministry. In the evening visited B-------, and drank tea with A------. In church in prayer, enjoyed much of the presence of God, as ever at such times, and in the hymns was tenderly affected towards Christ, though it was with much distraction, from the fixed contemplation of divine things. Mr. Simeon preached on Gal. iii. 1.

30. Was filled with shame, and self-abhorrence, and; sense of guilt, at having wasted time in bed, notwithstanding the dictates of conscience. Finished the 119th Psalm; at the intervals between pupils and Euripides, walked out rather in a distracted contemptuous state of mind, from reading * * * * * The having to preach at Trinity also, when I saw scarcely time to prepare, rather made me uneasy; but my soul enjoyed peace at last, and when I hit on the text, Ezek. xxxii. 18, "As I live," &c. I felt very happy. In the afternoon sat with--, and afterwards called on some sick. Drank tea with W--, and spoke to him freely. At my rooms, my heart drew near to God in prayer, and I found my love fervent to him, for his own blessed excellences. Read Euripides till very late; I was struck with the resemblance between the character and words of Medea, and----, in the lines 24--30, especially.

My mind was not taken up by these heathen studies as it used to be.

December 1. Morning passed as usual; I hope I had a steady seriousness, but with pupils I found my temper irritable. In the afternoon was prevented from private prayer, or visiting the sick, by having to explain Isaac Newton to F------: went to chapel in great emptiness of mind, but after chapel, found some fervour in prayer. I continued till supper writing to my sister. At night the last chapter of 1 Thessalonians had a blessed effect in quickening me to spirituality, and preparation for death, though before I was sleepy and stupid.

2. (Sunday.) I have had great difficulty in keeping down corruption this day. In opening scripture in the morning, was at a loss-what part to read for my edification, but a short petition seemed to open my eyes a little. Went to church, striving to feel my unworthiness. Had very little fervor or recollectedness of mind in the church prayers, and found myself hurrying fast to extreme wretchedness, and so I simply cast myself on the Saviour's grace, and found returning peace; but I was by no means happy in my ride to Lolworth. Preached on the sixth commandment; not so much attention as last Sunday. Visited some of the people, and was mostly in a spiritual frame of mind; felt oppressed with the prospect of what I had to do this week: to prepare sermons for Trinity, to read Bishop Butler, &c. But my soul found rest by prayer. At church, I had frequently seasons of sweetness, particularly at giving out the text from the beginning of Matt. xxv. The day of judgment appeared very blessed. I rejoiced at the text and sermon, as it enabled me to realize eternal things, without which I am generally unhappy. Being so soon to pass away from this scene, what little matter is it, how the body fares, or what men say, so that my soul be approved unto God.

3. Morning till ten, as usual, in thinking on sermon, and reading. From ten to six, was not left alone, for B. walked with me, and after dinner I was obliged to go out immediately to the children. I have had an hour's conversation with Mr. B. By prayer my heart was graciously excited to joy and gratitude. Went then to B. with whom I enjoyed great freedom, and a spirit of praise. In my room, read Euripides for a few hours, and spent the rest in thinking on sermon. 1 Tim. had a blessed effect in stirring me up to a willing devotedness of myself to a life of self-denial.

4. Was plagued with a great deal of fearful unbelief, and distrust, chiefly from finding myself barren in meditation on the subject of my sermon; but at intervals the eternal world opened to my view, and affected my heart rightly. In my walk out I seemed able to be more at ease. H. came to me in the afternoon: I tried a little to speak on a subject that might be for his conviction, but to no purpose; yet I was not faithful to him, and the consciousness of this began a dejection, which lasted more or less, all the evening. Visited the poor Magdalene, but had my doubts of her. At my rooms, read Greek till eight, and the rest of the time in thinking of sermon. At short intervals had the presence of God, but in general was lukewarm, though not tempted to any dissatisfaction with my blessed work. This interference of preparation for examination greatly puts me out.

5. An unprofitable day. All my leisure time till pupils, was about sermon, unable to write the first sentence. Then an hour before walk equally in vain. I was exceedingly fretted, and assaulted moreover with evil thoughts. It was "the hour and power of darkness." However, I simply cast myself on the Lord in prayer, and was delivered from all evil imaginations; but unhappiness at my wretched unprofitableness remained. In my walk out was quite oppressed, and full of idle and foolish thoughts. As soon as I was left alone, I went to visit Mrs. C. and was much affected by reading to her Isaiah lxiii. and lxiv. On my return, met with Mr. P. and C. who drank tea, and staid till supper time. I had not a minute to lose. However, when they were gone, the Lord seemed to open my heart, and my mind, and I wrote a page and recovered a little from fear and dejection. How easily can he shut me up! it is from him, therefore, I have received my talents, and to him be all the glory!

6. My heart was still disquieted this morning, and weak against the assaults of sin and Satan. Now did I find that the joy of the Lord shall be our strength. In prayer I strove for faith, and peace of mind, and dead-ness to the world, but could gain no permanent holdfast of a right spirit. My patience and temper were again greatly tried, by not being able to write a word, till my pupils came. Received a letter from K. and from my brother, both agreeable, but which I would willingly have been without, as they tended to bring my thoughts to earth. With my pupils, I betrayed my natural spirit, hasty, light, sarcastic, &c. Walked forth in great unhappiness, yet praying for grace, to bear with meekness all that the Lord should appoint. After dinner, I found my mind quite blind and dead to spiritual things at first in prayer, but gained a little nearer access to God. After that, I wrote with tolerable freedom, and felt very thankful for any assistance the Lord vouchsafes. My soul reposed in sweet solemnity; the views of death appeared exceedingly pleasant, and I longed to think of nothing, but time and eternity. My heart also delighted in its union to such a blessed being as Christ. I felt quite contented and happy if he would notice such a worm, whether I lived in this world or the next. At church, Mr. Simeon preached on Psalm xl. 17. "I am poor and needy, but the Lord thinketh upon me." Oh that I were very simple and humble in heart! My cup would run over; but I am so proud, and hard-hearted, and conceited. Visited B. who was in a state of insensibility, drawing almost his last breath. I left him, looking forward myself, with some dread, to the agonies of departing this life; and then sat with Mrs. B. and Mr. Simeon. The sight of Mrs. B. in tears much affected me, and I could soon have joined her. These emotions of the soul continued in exercise, in some degree, the rest of the evening.

7. Rose early, being awakened by music in the courts. The impression was very powerful on my imagination. As I could conceive it to be the sound of the heavenly choir, transporting the faithful soul to glory, it seemed a very blessed, and glorious thing to be the servant of God, and I wondered that I was not always impressed with the same idea. Made no advances in my sermon, till pupils came, with whom I observed rather more propriety of conduct. Called at B--'s, and found he had died at five this morning. In my walk, was powerfully affected by the consideration that he had now been before the throne of God, and received his final portion. What a thought! He now knows whether I spoke faithfully or no; and if not may perhaps curse me, for deceiving him into hell. Notwithstanding these my serious thoughts in the morning, I was subject to the most despicable vanities afterwards. Made several calls, and at two houses read and prayed. Could not be about my writing till seven, when I felt some love to souls, and wrote a little more freely, by God's assistance.

8. Rose in a spirit of seriousness, and in prayer my heart was engaged. I saw very clearly, that without preserving a child-like simplicity, I should never walk consistently. In the course of the morning, my heart was in general affected with love to God; but in the walk it was carried away by foolish thoughts, so as to make me unwilling to be meditating on eternity. I may well be convinced of the corruption of my heart, when it so easily teems with all manner of folly. The rest of the day was taken up with sermon, in general in peace, and sweet views of another world. Supped at night with ------and------, at the inn. The conversation was miserable, and I came away tired, but not without the conviction, of not having endeavoured to introduce one useful remark. Oh if 1 had a love to souls, I could not let them trifle into eternity! How differently did the Lord I profess to follow, pass the time when he visited the ungodly!

9. (Sunday.) Vide Memoir. At * * I was, struck with the contrast of my own exquisite feelings of delight, and the apparent peevishness of some present. Oh why do not they know God? I was forcibly impressed with the reality of religion.

10. My comfortable state of mind was rather clouded this morning, by waste of time in bed; but it returned and continued till B. told me, that in my prayer yesterday before sermon, as also at other times, I used nothing but a few scriptural phrases, so that it was not like prayer. The first emotions of my mind were those of vexation, at this intimation, but I was struck by the amazing pride of my wicked heart, that I could not bear to discover any imperfection in myself, even though the discovery was the only way to lead me towards perfection. However, the Lord helped me to improve this little circumstance to my good, and I was led to see my utter unworthiness and unfitness for any thing good. I was willing to see myself despised; yea, it was the desire of my heart, to set before my mind such scenes of my life, as should most fill me with shame and humiliation. In this spirit I walked out, and it was surprising to me, what freedom from anxiety and from inclination to sin, I found while in that state. Every one I met, I regarded with reverence, and went sweetly meditating on the meekness of Jesus Christ, and filled with the hope of being one day made perfect in it, if not in this world, yet in the next. This frame continued a few hours; and while it lasted, with what ease could I observe propriety of conduct! And in prayer I had frequent; seasons of sacred delight, while I declared, that I wished God to have all the glory, and yet I desired to { honour all his creatures. But unhappily, a man spoke in praise of my sermon last night, and all these thoughts presently disappeared. Thus praise gives me infinitely more pain, even immediately, than the utmost abuse. After catechising the children, called on Mrs. B. and upon a dying boy. I went to my rooms, and rather obtained relief from my pride, and somewhat of a return to f a spirit of meekness. The rest of the evening passed in reading Euripides, with my heart at times much affected with love towards God.

11. Corruption provides me enough for morning prayer: rather declined from the affectionate spirit of yesterday. With my pupil, I had some disgraceful quickness of temper, as heretofore, which grieved me all the morning. In my walk, I was not happy in divine objects, except at short intervals; but I cried earnestly for meekness and humility. In the afternoon, visited the sick, I and was engaged in conversation with a large number of the most abandoned profligates of Cambridge. Oh that oceans of tears would run down my eyes! The rest of the evening and night, with many interruptions, were spent in great dulness, reading Euripides.

12. Enjoyed some delightful hours this morning, especially in reading the Song; but in my first prayer I was exceedingly barren and distracted. With my pupil I more governed. At church, was in a light, worldly spirit, insomuch, that in prayer I was half the time speaking without thinking: what sparing mercy, that I am not struck dead for such mockery. In my walk out met with D------, to whom I spoke about religion, by no means in a spirit of meekness--which I was sure to grieve for afterwards. After dinner, was serious in prayer, and had a clearer view of my real business on earth, and went to Wall's Lane in a right spirit, as the servant of the Lord, and with the belief that Christ would be always with me, to direct my soul to his Spirit. With the poor Magdalene I prayed, and still believed her penitent, from reading with her. I heard the chant at King's, with the same emotions of devotion as I generally have. Rest of the evening passed in reading Euripides.

13. Rose early, and after some difficulty attained to something of a humble spirit; how stupid am I in learning the plainest truths! I hoped I should bear in mind all day the occasion I had for a mourning spirit. I found joy in the course of the morning, but it was mixed with levity, and natural spirits, and I would rather have none than that: there is hardly any frame of mind I dislike so much, because I am never farther from the temper of Christ, and from holiness, and from happiness. Let me be poor in spirit and meek. Read Euripides at leisure hours. After dinner friends came, and staid so long that I was not at leisure till church, when Thomason preached. Then sat an hour with B------ employed about Euripides, it was a happy reflection to me, to perceive that in the midst of these ensnaring classics my heart felt their vanity, and prepared to think of God and read his holy law.

14. Had something of a poor and contrite spirit this morning in prayer. From nine to twelve was in hall about the examination; but I did not preserve that spirit which I had hoped I should, for I was light and conceited. In my walk out was rather more spiritual, and enabled to pray freely for some time. In the afternoon visited some people till three, when I went into hall till six. At this time my soul drew near the Lord in prayer, and found it to be a solemn season. There was something of a sacred impression on my mind during the examination in hall; several of the poetical images in Virgil in which they had been examining, especially those taken from nature, together with the sight of the moon rising over the venerable walls, and sending its light through the painted glass, turned away my thoughts from present things and raised them to God. My spirit was stirred up to renewed resolutions to live a life of entire independence of earthly comforts, though the flesh was very weak. The rest of the evening passed in reading Euripides. In consequence of not praying with my servant when it was rather a favourable opportunity, I greatly wounded my conscience, and did not recover a comfortable state all the evening.

15. Rose early, being awakened by the music of the waits. My morning prayer was still chiefly for humility and emptiness of self. In hall all the morning; but though I strove against conceit, was very full of it. I was constantly setting Christ before me--but alas! how little do I imitate his spirit! In my walk I was chiefly engaged in reading for the examination, but my affections seemed chiefly towards heaven. Had a few minutes for prayer after dinner, by which my mind was composed, and the rising desire after worldly applause was repressed. The only way I could find for effectually freeing myself from anxiety about the good opinion of men, was to labour to feel my utter unworthiness. If men despise me or my attainments, they will do no more than what is right. Sat with the examiners till three, from which time till eight I was examining the men of the second class in the Medea. At eight I called on Mr. Simeon and Mrs. B--. This day I have been tired with the praises of men. The attention and respect of the fellows to night were remarkable.

16. (Sunday.) Rose with my mind full of carnal and worldly thoughts running upon the Greek subject I had been examining on yesterday. In prayer and afterwards I was sorely tried by the most despicable vanity, and also by hypocrisy * * * * * Then I recollected that it was my vow and wish to be always living alone with God; should it then be a concern with me whether men admire me? Yet I could not get any deliverance from my corruption, till I was made to feel the misery of being under the dominion of sin. Rode early before breakfast to Stapleford, and then began to feel myself a poor lost creature, and that the simplicity of humility was that which most became me; and enjoyed in consequence something of a childlike spirit. Preached in the morning at Stapleford on the ninth commandment. In my walk back from church with some ladies professing godliness, I was grieved at their levity, but made no answer but by silence and gravity. After dinner Dr. Milner and Lord C-- called. * * * * * I was introduced as having been Senior Wrangler, but how contemptible did these paltry honours appear to me! Ah, thought I, you know not how little I am nattered by these intended compliments. Preached in the afternoon at Stapleford on Ezekiel xxxiii. 11. to an attentive audience. On the way back had a conversation with an aged believer, and called on another afflicted saint, whose want of meekness and patience occasioned by her great trials, rather pained me. Had an opportunity of private prayer at Shelford, in which though my mind was serious and not distracted, I felt no devotion; as I was distrustfully anxious about the evening. After tea, met about 150 people in the schoolroom, and preached on Acts xx. 21. "Testifying to the Jews, and also to the Greeks," &c. in which the Lord assisted me to be clear and impressive; but I had reason to lament my want of tenderness, or rather that I had not sufficient power of speaking according to the feelings of my mind. Rode home in great strength of spirits; but my joy was not spiritual: yet I cared for nothing in this world. Read and prayed at night with my servant.

17. After morning prayer my heart was joyous, but far too light. B. breakfasted with me. The rest of the day was engaged in hall and with the Fellows. I governed my outward conduct pretty well in general, though pride and selfishness were working within, and sometimes the emptiness of my mind shewed itself by speeches of folly and levity, and conformed me to the ways and manners of others. Oh for that holy reserve which communion with God would not fail to produce in me! In the evening wrote to my sister, and manifested a very unbecoming spirit of levity and sarcasm, and impatience to one of my pupils. Read Butler. At the times of prayer, my heart is generally affected with moments of exceeding joy and devotion, but I want more of the abiding fear of God, and a continual sense of my own misery and guilt. In the hall was much affected by the sight of Lord B. whose look of meekness and humility rivetted my attention, and almost melted me to tears. If there is one disposition in the world I wish for more than another, it is this; but the bias of my corrupted nature hurries me violently against it.

18. Was greatly under the power of corrupt imaginations in the morning, but prayer restored me to purity and peace. In hall the whole day, and in general enjoyed more spirituality and less of my natural temper than since the beginning of the examination. At intervals drew near to God in prayer; but it is high time for me that this secular business should end. Read Butler at night till very late.

19. My mind uneasy from anxiety, and fear of unfitness for that part of the examination I was about to undertake, yet always regained my peace when I regarded myself as unworthy of the good opinion of any body. I examined in Butler, with great ease to myself and clearness. Thus it pleases God to make me honourable in the eyes of men; I hope for the purposes of his own glory. In my walk my thoughts ran far too easily on these trifling things. The rest of the day in hall, and with the Fellows, with my mind variously employed; sometimes with sweet thoughts of God, but generally with dull thoughts, scarcely attending to any thing. I was grieved not to be able to say any thing more decisive and convincing against that ungodly book of Paley's. At night after supper, an opportunity offered of speaking to one of the Fellows, which I did for a considerable time. In prayer in general, I have been fervent in the petitions, but the particulars have been fewer, my views of eternal things are narrowed, and I feel less inclined to the work of God.

20. The promises of the church's enlargement afforded me much delightful meditation this morning: from nine till near dinner we were engaged in settling the classes. In my walk the severe cold did not shut up my thoughts within the body so much as of late. In the afternoon I was scarcely at all alone, and about to behold vanity; but the Lord by prayer sobered and quickened my mind. In the service at church my soul enjoyed some true devotion. I gained instruction and comfort from the sermon, John ii. 25. Happy moments! in which I can live devoutly in communion with Christ. Oh what is the world to me? and yet my thoughts are not swallowed up in God. Called on a woman in Wall's Lane after church.

21. Rose early, and continued a good while in prayer. Most of the time till dinner I was reading Poole's Synopsis of the first chapter of St. John, and was much impressed with the consideration of the glory of Christ, the Word. Oh, that I could think of nothing else but things which belong to the wonders of religion 1 In my walk strove to keep near to Christ, and was at times affected with admiration and love. On my return sat an hour with the poor Magdalene, and read the bible to her, to her seeming profit. Then dined at Mr. Simeon's with a large party of religious friends, and ladies; but the conversation was not religious or in any way improving. So when I went away at seven, it was with regret at the time's being all lost.

Went to the class and read and spoke on Revelations ii. to the church of Ephesus, with freedom; but was by no means satisfied with my prayer. Sat with ------- and his brother, an officer in the guards; their conversation i was far more becoming Christians, than ours had been in the afternoon. I look forward to a day of prayer; for my soul hath great need of quickening and restoration, that it may act more in the view of eternity, and conformably to the holy profession whereunto I am called, of a minister of Christ.

22. Another day is passed, and another week, in; which I have very, very little lived according to my prayer; seldom feeling myself alone with God. My heart has not been drawn out in prayer: neither has his word been sweet to me, and this I may safely attribute to my not giving more time to the work. Most of the morning passed in reading Poole on the 1st of John. In my walk, I met with C. with whom I talked with far too little restraint in his own way, on the oriental I languages. I should not talk to a miser on the way of getting money; so neither should I talk with C. on that which is his idol. After dinner, I was in a peaceful melancholy, at hearing of the death of P-------at Gibraltar: death was pleasant to me, though I had little joy or nearness to God; but I wished for no work, no employment in earth or heaven, but the service of God.

Visited an old woman dying, full of self-righteousness; I tried, in vain, to convince her. By going to chapel, and pupils, I was not alone till seven; from which time I was greatly dejected, at my utter unprofitableness, and inability to write sermon. G-------and H-------had come to sup with me, and my heart enjoyed much of a humble spirit.

23. (Sunday.) In great depression of spirits, and self-abasement, I prayed this morning, and felt the power of religion. My soul was alone with God, and I hoped I should be steadily with him all the day. I felt I fully disposed to go any where, or to do any thing for God; not from zeal, but from resignation, and a sense of utter worthlessness and unprofitableness. I was told of the death of the self-righteous woman I visited; and also of the sudden death of a dear Christian female friend. My views on death were somewhat different from lately. I have rather wished to live to do something for God; but now I wished rather to die, to be free from my sinfulness and uselessness. Preached at L-------on the Ninth Commandment, and visited some people, and was somewhat revived by singing hymns with one latterly profane. In my ride home, still had some slavish fear. At supper in hall, had a little share of conversation, and said something that I trust will fasten. I had perfect command of myself, which is my main object: for if I say any thing that can be gainsayed, I had much better not have spoken at all.

24. The whole day almost was employed in writing, in which God graciously assisted me far beyond my expectation. This was rather reviving to my spirits, and led me to thankfulness. By sitting till very late, so long without bodily motion, was chilled, the whole night, and got little sleep.

25. My morning thoughts were unworthy of this sacred day, till they were somewhat sanctified by prayer. Read at St. Edward's church, and delivered the cup at the sacrament for the first time. I longed to be rightly affected with contrition and devotion, but all in vain; I found the body of sin and death very oppressive. Preached at Lolworth on John i. 14. to a very small congregation, but with my own heart affected. On my return, dined with Mr. B. and our conversation in general was such as becometh the gospel of Christ. At church, at night, had reason to lament the want of private communion with God; as my thoughts were too easily apt to fix on outward things, to engage in the ordinances. Yet in the latter part I thought I had a great and tender love for souls, and that I could long to see every one of them coming to Christ, and being happy. In my rooms meditated a long time on the latter part of Galatians ii. and though I had scarcely any insight into it, my soul rejoiced in hope of experiencing the power of the cross of Christ, even as the apostle.

26. Had some enjoyment in prayer; but I need very much a day of humiliation, and continued supplication. ------had breakfasted with me. Though my mind was at times spiritual, my conversation was but little agreeable to the simplicity and humility of the gospel. The whole morning was taken up by the calls of different people; to one of my pupils I declared the counsel of God; in my walk out endeavoured to think on the life of faith, and in a short season before dinner, found the presence of God in prayer. Went into the combination room after dinner, where some of those present kept me constantly employed, by asking me questions, to make me speak against the usual amusements of men. In the evening, read Grotius' Commentary on the 1st of Revelations, and wrote to my brother. At night, passed some hours in meditating on Gal. ii. 20. It is very delightful to enter into the spirit of the Epistles in any measure--indeed of any part of the word of God: I find that it is the sincere milk by which I grow. In the midst of my vanities and fickleness, I find no pleasure at all, save in the views of eternity.

27. Had great difficulty to keep my mind in peace all this morning, from anxiety about this evening's ministrations. After writing a French letter to Vivian, the French officer, I went out to a funeral, and was detained by it the whole morning. I endeavoured to employ my time well, by making occasional reflections on the people about me; but chiefly by meditating on a subject for the evening. In prayer, after this, I strove to exercise faith, and to stay my mind upon God, which he enabled me to do. At dinner, I was obliged to be engaged in the same subject of meditation, and though my mind was not quite easy, many profitable reflections suggested themselves. After dinner, I officiated at another funeral. From the deadness of my soul to holy thoughts and unfitness for duty, I thought it would have been happier for me to have been fasting than feasting. Drank tea at N------, where I spoke with ease and clearness on Gal. ii. 20. for a" good while. Went away in great thankfulness, and desire to be again employed in God's service at home; but to my dissatisfaction,-------, whom I knew six years ago, came in, and sat with me till near midnight, disputing on religion. I was perfectly dispassionate throughout, and proved every thing he said to he false; but such a mixture of profaneness, infidelity and ingenuity, filled my soul with anguish. Oh how I longed to be in heaven, out of the way of such ungodliness. What a life will it be to me to pass through a world of such men; but the time will one day be over, and then I shall see none but holy servants of God; but my business here, is to carry God's light through a world of darkness.

28. Employed this morning in reading Erpenius's Arabic grammar, and writing to Mr. J. on public amusements. In my walk, and during dinner, was meditating on John xiii. 17. for the evening. It is good for me to have no care or comfort, but what I can get by faith; my peace is purer. I sat in combination room an hour after dinner, but felt, on coming out, that I could hardly expect to receive God's blessing on my own heart, and this evening's ministrations, after neglecting the due means. But He graciously assisted me this evening, both in exposition of John xiii. and in prayer. For two hours afterwards employed in writing out my letter to S;------, with my soul occasionally cheered by joyful views of another world.

29. Much of the morning wasted by irregular reading, Grotius's commentary, newspapers, &c. by which my mind was left more unhappy than if it had been oppressed by too much business. Visited the poor Magdalene this afternoon, she seemed to be dying. P------- and-------took wine with me, and in consequence of theological disputes, staid till nine. I was exceedingly grieved afterwards at having lost so much precious time,--never, never to be recovered; in which I recollected I might have been comforting many poor souls, or storing my mind with knowledge, or growing more spiritual by prayer. Smith on ' Sacred Offices,' in a part speaking of the necessity of prayer, was made very useful to me. I felt that I neither had, nor was thinking of giving so much time to prayer for my poor people as I ought.

30. (Sunday.) Most shamefully wasted much time in bed, and rose full of shame and anguish, which continued in a less degree all day. Preached at St. Giles' church on John iii. 3. without notes, and went through it with distinctness and correctness, though both body and mind were in a stupid state. In the afternoon, at the same church, on Acts xx. 21. Read and prayed afterwards with Mrs. S. and another. In the evening before church, was a little enlivened by a sense of God's mercy. At church, several things served to humble me, and make me think slightly of myself.

31. I had determined last night, to devote this morning to practical reading and prayer, but when the morning came, I was very unwilling at first, to leave many things undone, as would be necessary; but, however, I did devote the morning to it, and found the presence of God with me, so that I was enabled to stir up my attention constantly, and to watch unto meditation and prayer. My mind was also vigorous in my walk. After dinner, a party of religious friends sat with me, whose names I will write, that I may remember them this time twelve-month, if God spare my life. Our conversation was tolerably useful. The rest of the evening I enjoyed much of God's presence, and in prayer at night was full of joy; devoting myself to God's service, and rejoicing at the lapse of time. But alas! I may truly groan at the unprofitableness of the last year. For the first half, I was severely tried, and then I was but little resigned to the righteous dispensations of God. It then pleased the Lord to deliver me, but; instead of rendering him joyful service, as I expected, I seem to have more pride and lukewarmness. In two things I see a lamentable, a melancholy defect. I am not a man of prayer. I pray frequently for myself, and with fervor, but I am not found a man to stand in the gap. Secondly, I do not feel that I am performing the duties of the ministry in that part of it which respects private visiting. This evil indeed is the consequence of the former. But my soul panteth after holiness, nothing appears at all desirable to me for a moment, but God. May he make his creature spiritual. So closes the easy part of my life, encircled by every earthly comfort, and caressed by friends, and never long under spiritual affliction. I may be perhaps said scarcely to have experienced trouble, but now farewell ease; if I may presume to conjecture, the next year will bring with it difficulties or death. Perhaps I shall never see the termination of another year; now, therefore, O Lord, into thy hands I commit my spirit, for thou hast redeemed me, oh Lord, thou God of truth. May I be saved by thy grace, and be sanctified to do thy will now, and to all eternity, through Jesus Christ. Amen.

Project Canterbury